Getting Started

I woke up yesterday with the sole purpose of not waking up, got my son ready for school and out the door, then I did nothing more. Crawled back in the bed and was like forget it. Had no intentions of doing anything except staying there. I woke periodically to check the phone for missed calls and texts, but other then that I didn't leave the bed. Just felt so down, so alone, so depressed and out of it. My sister and all the kids had left in the morning, leaving me in an empty house, feeling empty already.
At about noon I missed a call from one of the jobs that I interviewed for, stating that they will be going out to lunch and to call them back after one. I was in between on how I felt, wasn't sure if I had left that much of an impression on them, plus it wasn't exactly in my field of expertise. So I decided to say screw it and stayed in bed for another hour, didn't get a hold of the guy until about 1400, he was so excited to have me on the phone and make me an offer.
I was like sure, apparently my well written resume, and my manner of speaking, and how passionate I am about the things I do in all aspects of my life had set well with them, had left quite and impression after all. So I got the job!!!
I may not have had the start that I was hoping for when I came to Texas, thought when I came here I would have the shorty I had been dreaming about, and find a job quickly, followed shortly there after a house. So I got the job rather quickly, lost the chick to some uncontrollable force out there; which means I will get going, just at a slower pace. Got half of what I hoped for; wouldn't say I have lost it all, just more like had things misplaced from me.
I do miss her terribly, she fit me perfectly, even with her cute temper tantrums, and her freak out overwhelmed moments. She had become like my best friend, and a lover, even my son adopted her as his own, now somehow she's neither; friend,lover, or adopted mother; in the blink of an eye, shes gone; leaving me with unanswered questions, and a bad taste in my mouth when her name comes to mind. It was like having a wrench thrown in on all my plans, thankfully that is my life story so after a day in bed, I managed to crawl out somewhat, still a little sore from it though, but hell life goes on, after the pain, after the rain, what happens happens, and there is a reason for it all I'm sure. Guess maybe one of us, or both of us needed to learn some kind of lesson, time will tell.

Just to know that I got the job has given me so much hope, has made my weekend that much better, mainly because just as I will start to struggle, I will be bringing in my first pay check, an not ever miss a beat with any of my bills.
I'm a survivor, have been through enough shit in my life as it is, and I'm sure there is much more to come. No matter what, my son will have the best of everything he needs and wants. The kind of life that I have planned for him is the kind of life I dreamed of as a kid myself. It is going to be hard, going to be challenging, but with a strong pertinacious desire to achieve and with the lords blessing, then in time I'm sure all will fall in place, if not now then later, when the time is right; the puzzle will come together and the light will shine brighter then ever to let me know that I can relax that all is well. Until that day comes, I will never tire, never rest, never lose hope, or strength, and nothing could ever hold me back from it, not sickness, or fear; always be on the grind for it.

Getting Up



New paths, less traveled!!!

 Well it has been a few days since I last posted about anything, been super busy doing interviews for work; some promising things, turned down a few jobs for either location or too much travel required. I had another focus, one that I felt deeply for at the same time, but now I find myself picking up the pieces and trying to find my way with alot of unanswered questions and too many decisions.
I think I'm just going to except the next thing that gets tossed in my direction, weather it is out on a rig, or working at a smelting plant. Just a step, another short chapter in my life. My soul focus right now is to get situated for my son when the summer ends I want him to come to a house, a home of our own. No apartments, no condos, and no efficiency. But a house that will be our home, just me and him.
I realized that my biggest mistake at the moment was focusing too much on everything, especially when it came to dating, was to jump on the first thing that seemed right, the one that was perfect with my son, made me happy, and made it look like it would be; with her dreams and thoughts of the future. I guess I just tried to replace my sons mom too quickly, shorty wasn't ready to be committed to some one, no matter what she had said before.
IN the end when it comes down to it, the only thing I really should be focusing on is getting situated in life, and getting things set for my son on his return. I can't do everything at the same time, I can't make it all work together the way I would like it to. More importantly I think I was just afraid of being alone, of going through this restart by myself, to not have someone special in my life that I could confide in or spend my spare time with when I'm not working.
I think that now I have an understanding, a clearer picture as to the process of what needs to be done, and how I want to get it and the work that I have to put in it, I will be fine, the pieces to my puzzle have fallen in place and my view is no longer blinded.
I will say this that ignorance is bliss, and when something’s come out to light and show themselves for their true colors, the pain is real, and it cuts deep. Look-in at the world with my eyes wide open. Came to Texas to start over, to have that life you see on TV, the life we all dream of from time to time. While I pick up the pieces of it all, and put it together, I will have that, just have to take a step back again.
Nice and slow is how I roll. Job status is on lock, more interviews, and a second by the end of this week that is 15 job interviews, for over 30 positions, between Dallas and Houston; can't go wrong with that. Something will give, I will eventually come out on top; got to, have to.

Love and Life

Why is it in life that we choose to love the ones that hurt us the most and act like the ones that love us the most and are there for us don’t exist? We all have choices in life; but in the end who’s gonna be there for us if we push those that hold us the diarist away from us? I’m not perfect, I have broken hearts and have had my heart broken more times than not. That’s because I’m passionate about everything that I do, and I mean everything I say when it comes to love. For those that I hold above the others, there is no limit to the things that I wouldn’t do for their happiness. They say that all is fair in the game of love and war. But really what’s the point All it causes is more pain, more heart ache, and more drama. Since my divorce I decided that I was going to avoid drama like the plague, with the understanding that in life sometimes a little drama is required. All I want is to start moving forward in life, start living my dreams. There was this moment that I thought that I may have that someone, that person that was going to be there. Turned out that her so called “dreams” that she had were just short phases in her life, just thoughts with no intent to commit to them. Might possibly have been a complete waste of time and energy for me, or more like a lesson learned. At the same time it just adds more crap onto the next one when she says everything that the last one said. How do you believe that the image you and someone share are one in the same? In reality you don’t, you just have to wait, hope for the best, and possibly waste precious time, and see where it goes. For real though, why lie about what you want in life and where you want to go, or where you see yourself in X amount of years; telling about dreams that you have for the future? Gives the false sense of what could be and where it is going. They say that people are only as good as their actions, cause their actions define them. Where does that leave me? I try and be a good man, and try to do the right things be everyone around me, yet somehow I keep coming up short. Then to top it all off, I hold my feelings inside unless it is real important to me. These days I feel as if it doesn’t matter. In the end only the lord can judge me, and that I try my best every day to be a good person, a good friend, a good father, a good brother, and I try my hardest to be a good lover. Truth be told you can’t force someone to love you, even if they say that they do, it will never be the same as the love that you have for them. They will always feel pressured into being with you in some way shape or form. Even when you hold them above others, cause you believe that it was a god send that they are in your life. When I met this girl that I have mentioned, I was starting to not really care about anything anymore, I had reached a point to where it seemed like there was just no point in living. During our time together she had to work at everything, work for me to love her, work for my trust. Truth was is that I loved her from the beginning, I was just afraid to express it so soon. Then there was this storm, I was too far away to fix anything, and things changed. Now I’m so close and we started to fix things, and then it ended as soon as it sparked, I still feel for her, I’m just angry that I feel no closer, no answers to the questions that I have, the whys, and how comes. As if I had done something wrong, as if I had created a problem for her, it was one minute talks of the future, and almost in a blink of an eye she was gone again. The sad part is, I truly wanted to be with her, to do all these things with her that she and I dream about, and would have done anything to keep her happy. What can I do though, other than to try and recover, move on with my life? Friends she wants to stay with me, but I’m not sure I will make a good friend, considering how she has me feeling about not being able to give me any answers. She hasn’t said a word as to what happened, almost as if what we had didn’t matter, feeling like I was a rebound or something. Live and learn, never again will I be a fool to fall in love with someone who is unsure about where they want to be, or where they want to go. I do thank her though, she has shown me things, given me some experiences, and reawakened me spirit, even though it is slightly damaged as of now. Desperately trying not to put back up my walls and become heartless and cruel to her. I don’t blame her so much, she was damaged when I found her, one of the reasons I fell so deeply for her. If only she understood what it is that I wanted for us. Basically as far as I’m concerned and feeling in this chapter of my life, is that I need zero amount of no family, blood related peoples in my life. From here on out it isn’t going to be about what I can do to make anybody happy any more. I’m going to be doing me, and they are going to have to sell themselves, no longer will I give myself to any woman that don’t want nothing more than for me to hit it. Fine you don’t want love; then call it by what it is, “SEX”, a one night stand, abuse of that word these days just sickens me. I know that it is human nature to want to be loved, to want to feel cherished and needed, but why bullshit about it. People don’t know what love is, they talk like they do, but they really don’t, cause all they do is just say it to help get them what they want. Handing out false hope like it’s candy. Is any of the sexes even faithful these days? I see it all the time, everywhere I go, married women hitting on me, hiding their rigs and shit. When I say hitting on me, I mean like “Here’s my number…give me a call so we can kick it…” You married ass lil girl, why in the hell are you biting your lips at me, and handing me your number? Do you not have someone that loves you at home? If he’s not right then move on, or teach him to be better to you, community dildo is not the stage in life that I’m at, a smash here and there no problem, forget the rest. Then we got the guys that go around giving good guys like me a bad name, hollering at everything that looks good in some jeans, while nine times out of ten they have the perfect dream wife at home. So sad how we have gone these days, couples would rather move on then fix the problem, marriages dissolving quicker then they started, and spouses cheating. I don’t think that I will ever remarry again, I mean I try not to say ever, or never, cause that’s when they happen more often is when those words are used. I mean someday maybe I would like too, but I’m sure it isn’t before I hit thirty, and it isn’t going to be some quick courtship either, be some long term engagement. Hell the female population is trying to make it more of a contract any ways so, what would be the hurry? How do you trust when you have been hurt so much? Not sure I even like the idea of dating again, it’s like this circle of headaches just to try and prove that you’re a good person.

Walking and Watching

As I walked through the city streets of Houston, watching the people as they come and go. The mothers kissing their children good bye for school, husbands kissing the wife off as she drops him off at work, the young kids running around at the park while the mothers pile around, and the expecting couple laughing and sitting there on a blanket as the soon to be father rubs and kisses her belly saying silly things to make her laugh while she glows with life. All of them just so damn happy, no matter what had been going on, or what their stresses were, at that very moment, that instant they were just so freaken happy and care free.
I couldn't help but to dream, couldn't help but to envy some of these people, and pray and bless them as they passed by for what they have. I realized at that moment that it was all I cared for, if I could just press fast-forward and get to that chapter in my life where all that is combined. Where everything made sense, where it all came together, where I had that wife, where I had that kid/s, a place where we were together.
I look at my son, wishing I could give him more then what he has, he deserves so much more then I can give him at this point right now. I realized these past couple of days when I had a talk with him, that I may be a little stern with him, that  he needs a more tender hand to guide him then I'm currently capable of. In the next couple of weeks I realize it is going to get harder, I mean it has to get harder before it could get better. The sacrifices that I will have to make to get ahead, the things that I must do for my son to have a better future, there isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't do to secure a better life for him. Sometimes I lay here and watch him while he sleeps, watch him smile in his sleep, knowing that he his dreaming of fun things warms me, gives me hope that I can save him, before any damage is done.
I can relate to the movie The Pursuit of Happiness so much. The true life story of Chris Gardner is an amazing one, I read a little of his autobiography and it is quiet a story. Recommend any one who is feeling down and out to read it, the inspiration that comes from this mans story is without fathom. The things he went through that is portrayed in the movie isn't even everything he has been through. His sole purpose in life now is to show that your past has no bearing on your future, and that no matter what it is that you are going through in life, that there is no reason for you to give up on your hopes and dreams.
I guess, no matter what gets thrown at me over the next few months, that there is nothing thats going to keep me from succeeding in my mission to provide my son a better life. For like our own line is to inspire each other and give each other hope and lift our spirits is, "Just me and you against the world" Those seven little words always seems to brighten up his moment, brings light to his eyes. With that, I know I will succeed. All I ever really need is my son and the lord, everything else is minor in comparison, and will fall in place as needed.

Life

Today was a really long a horrid day. All I kept wanting was to close my eyes and it would be a whole new day, a new fresh start. If I could start any day over, today would be at the top of my list. I got woken up in the most horrible way, my sister yelling at me to get up and get my son ready for school. Now everybody knows that there are just certain ways not to wake somebody up, we are all different but the principles on waking someone are more or less the same. She says that I blew off the hing and slammed the door, my thing is, usually I don't remember the first few minutes of being awake, I have been told that I have had entire conversations in my sleep, I don't remember a thing. I must be one of those people that will tell you my deepest thoughts if you ask me while I'm sleeping, and I wont ever remember.
Either way, she goes on to post crap about me on Facebook like some dang child, and before you know it she says she wants me out. Before she even told me she wanted me out I didn't even know that I had done something wrong in the first place. I had no idea why she was so pissed off with me, I tried communicating with her, all I got was nothing back in return. I love my sister, and I had really hopped to rekindle that childhood bond that we had, and allow our children to share in on that, guess that is out of the question.
Brings me to my next set of problems, because I am the way I am, if someone says to me that they are done with me, then they are dead to me. I have been through hell and back more times then I actually care to count. IF you don't want to be apart of my life, then I don't need you. If you offer me help, and then it suddenly becomes an inconvenience for you, then don't bother. Once I leave though, you can forget about anything ever happening again. What my family has done to me in the past is why I have spent so many years without them, felt as if I didn't need nor care to have them around. I tried to be that guy to pull it together, forget the past, but I guess the past was worth remembering, and the past is where my family can stay, as a memory of what was and never will be.
With all that being said, my sister was supposed to, and volunteered to help with my son so I can get back on my feet. Meaning watch him and stuff like that so I can do job interviews and such. She started giving me a ration of crap last week about something I told her about two weeks before, and that was that she was going to have my son Saturday afternoon, until Tuesday when I came back from Dallas doing my interviews. Suddenly because she got the dates mixed up, I'm lying about it. How fair is that? So now because she wants me to leave, and I now have interviews for Friday also, so my only option is to send my son to my mothers house in Miami. I'm quickly running out of cash and now I have to fork over something like 800 dollars for plane tickets to fly my eight year old somewhere, while I go to stay in the shelter up in Dallas.
Finally the one to top it all off, the final heart ache and pain of the day, cause punishing me by making me lose my son wasn't enough but the chick, the sole reason that I even give a damn about half the shit, of course under my son, has been playing the I'm confused game. I think she is just scared, scared to let go, scared to allow herself to be caught up in a dream, scared to allow herself to dream. For an instant, for a moment when she does, man its so beautiful, so innocent and real and attainable. Then she starts questioning it, remembering her past fails, and finding all the faults that don't exist on why this can't be what it is.
I don't even know what to do or think any more. The sad, desperate man at the end of his ropes, is what I have become. Pulling my hair out, not being able to sleep worse then usual, hardly eating, food makes me feel sicker when I do eat then when I don't. This past week has been torcher, and apparently the storm has really just begun. It is so true, cause even more so to add to the dilemma is I finally get a hold of my sons mother to update her on the situation that I am currently in, and she is okay with it, but my ex-mother-in-law had to go and stir up all kinds of shit and push me right back over the edge. Had the freaken gypsy clan jump down my throat about sending my son over to his grandmothers house, and how she is so much freaken better, and blah blah blah. Tell you what, if I have to go down there to get my son, there is going to be hell to pay. This women has no right to intervene with me and his mothers agreements, no say in where he will stay or anything. Yet I had to get a bigger head ache, go through more pain, and deal with her mouth, and her digging up the past, and her calling me names, blaming me for her daughters down fall.
This storm has got to give, I feel like I'm going insane. Seriously about to just call it quits on everything. Moving somewhere that I have nothing, no family, no friends, just false dreams and hopes was probably a bad idea, maybe I should just take what I have and head home, go back to the place where I came from, where I have friends, and work, and people that give a damn weather or not I'm breathing, people that miss me now, and will miss me if they don't see me for a day. Tried to quit smoking, yea right shit lasted a whole week, and everything started going south for me again, can't even do that right. When will this hand that's got a hold of me just let go, I feel like this ant, where some evil little boy keeps burning my feelers as I try and find my way!!!!!

A Talk With Grandma

I called to tell my grandmother happy mothers day, and some how the conversation got deep. She asked me how I was doing, and what have I been up to. I told her that I was okay, and that I was playing the waiting game with everything that I'm working on. Then she commenced to tell me about how some things takes time and that I need to be patient and that I should turn to God. She explained to me that everything that happens comes from God, that all that I have been through is cause God is trying to show me something. So I started to tell her how I felt about that. The way I feel sometimes is that I'm being punished, like every time I get to the top of the ladder, I slip fall, and land on my ass. Boy did that open up a can of worms.
That's when she decided to tell me that it isn't punishment, but a test, that he is all forgiving, and that the reason that I am falling isn't because I'm a bad person, but because I have been trying to get to the top of the ladder the wrong way, that's why I can't get to the top of it. She's right in away, she wants me to involve the lord in my life more often.
To give me strength in my predicament she told me a life story that I hadn't heard before. She told me how she had one of my aunts, and how she was 14 going on 15, and that she was alone. She had no siblings to help her or nothing. She lived in a furnished room in New York, and back in those times she said that they still used to put the milk and bread and cheese out by the street, so what she would do for both food and money was to go and take a few of the products and sell it to the people in the building. Early in the morning while my aunt slept she would head out to collect what she needed to survive, by doing that she was able to provide for my aunt, including diapers, and milk.
The things my grandmother went through and the story she told me, on how she used to get on her hands and knees and scrub tile, or carpet; how she had to clean furnished rooms for a few dollars a day. Most importantly on how she did it all as a single parent. Raised my aunt and eventually had more children who all turned out to be productive adults with children of their own.
The point being that mothers are strong, mothers will go through any length to take care of their children and make them into something. The sacrifices that they make are beyond anything imaginable. I whine about my situation, my grandmother hollered at me for it, telling me that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, telling me that I need to stop beating myself up for all that has happened.
I totally get why she told me her story. I suppose I needed to hear it, it strengthened me on multiple levels. I mean I know what it is that I have to do, but sometimes it just seems too far. Guess you can say I was getting discouraged and starting to doubt myself. Cause when I think about it, there is a lot for me to do and worry about. I have so much to worry on when it comes to my son, child care, schooling, and what kind of job I'm going to have that is going to be understanding that I'm a single father with a child that I have to be home certain times and that most weekends I won't be able to work. Being that most of my well payed jobs are in Dallas, that means I won't have my sister to help me with babysitting that easily.
After talking to grandma, I feel a little better. I even feel more for the single mothers that are out there doing their thing, for their kids.

The Pains of Waiting

Seems like I'm stuck in the abyss of waiting. Everything is waiting, waiting for the VA, waiting for job interviews, waiting for summer, waiting for this chick that I love to come around. I mean wow, do I really have to wait for everything? Can something, maybe just happen a little quicker for me. The jobs are kinda blah, waiting to sit in on the interviews and see whats in store for me. The single issue with the jobs are the distance for the ones that are worth having, either my sister helps me out just a little bit, or I won't be able to do it. Of course the original plan was that I had some support here with this beautiful girl in Dallas,but  that's not quiet in place any more. I just can't give up on the things I want.
Shorty has been through some things, distrust in men, things like that; I get it. But how long can I hold on to this dream with her, how long before I just say screw it? I don't want to let her go, but maybe I should, don't feel like I'm on her list of things to do. Besides, she will never see me for who I'am, what I'm about, or how I see her. I don't feel like it's a complete waste of time to wait for her, cause it isn't, she is worth waiting for, if only she knew that. We share the same thoughts and meanings, same hopes and dreams, but for the moment she seems lost. Like she is punishing herself for something. I can't help her cause she won't let me fully in, and when I'm with her it's like heaven is shinning down on us. I can't read her mind to know all that she wants, she talks about us when I'm with her, our future, family; everything is with an "us" in it; yet we haven't made a step forward, we are just in limbo.

Feels like I'm on this roller coaster, full of these momentary thrills, then some flat spots, and then I start to climb the hill for the next thrill, but then the ride gets stuck at the top, slides back a few notches, then nothing more. Somebody better call the fire department and rescue me cause I'm really getting bored with sitting on this ride.
Next week I will be doing interviews with some top notch companies. Kinda nervous about it, haven't done a job interview in like five years. I got great marketable skills according to the recruiting agency that I'm going with. I already have a job offer that I will be getting more details from on Monday, it would be doing aircraft structural work out in Dallas; same thing I did in the military, that's about as much info as I have on that. Afraid to accept it before I attend the major job fair the following Monday, and yet at the same time I'm afraid to lose it.
I believe that if I just keep up my plans, and keep doing what it is that I said I would that she will see that I stick to what I say, that I mean what I say. Told her I would be in Texas, I did it, told her I would be getting hot and heavy on jobs, I have been, next step is to actually accept a job, and keep doing what it is that I told her that I would be doing, such as buying a house in the country, somewhere between her people and mine. I really don't like living in the city anymore, spent a long time trying to get out of Miami, now I feel as if I have traded one Miami for the other, Houston is just one spread out Miami without the beach. I want to live close enough to visit, and nothing more, don't like the traffic, or the crime.

The Storm

As the storm rages on outside my window, where the usual pitter-patter of the rain would put me to sleep like a lullaby, tonight it feels like an omen. This is the first storm I am to witness here in Houston. As the rain falls down like sheets, the sky isn't visible, and the lightning is bright. The storm I feel is a sign of the storm to come in my own personal life, full of decisions that I must make, do I stay, do I go? The storm that rages in my heart for the things I want, the things I need. Tonight feels different, this storm has changed its meaning, changed the way I see it, the way I feel it.
Most nights when I lay awake, staring at the shadows on the walls; hoping for it to rain, to wash the dirt away, wash the pain away, and allow the sun to shine just that much brighter the next day. Tonight I can't sleep even more so then last. Last night was a play on my thoughts and the fact that we had no AC, 90 degrees in the house is no way for me to sleep. Tonight it is just my feelings. The rain no longer away of seeking peace tonight it is just a bother, bringing me lower then I already felt.
I tried to lift my spirits up today, I did what some people do when they are feeling down and out, I went out and bought myself some nice things, clothes and jewelery. I realized that it was wrong, but it made me feel just so good, if even for a moment. Knowing that I should be saving it as much as possible being that I'm currently unemployed and losing my mind over that fact already. All the work that I want is far from where I live, bring me to another problem.
The thunder that wakes the house, stirs my spirit, making me feel alive, and the lightning making the things in my room dance and glow, and the storm rages on within and without. For tonight outside seems to be the same as it is within, deep in my soul and heart that's filled with turmoil and pain. Like the seas during a storm, I feel as if I were going to drown tonight, in my bed, wrapped tight in the covers with my son snuggled up next to me for his own comfort and fear of the thunder and lightning.  The sea of feelings, and false hope, like a ship being tossed around with the crew realizing just how small and insignificant they are to mother natures fury.

I must remind myself, that although the storm outside my window, feels the same as the one within me; they are not, and that when the storm is over outside it will lead to a brighter day, it will lead me to a new way, and that my paths will have been washed for me to travel on, making it that much easier for me to find the ways that the lord may be possibly trying to tell me to go. After every dark night there is a brighter day, eventual it all stops hurting, eventually with time it all heals, and then we move on, we adapt and move forward. For if we sit too long dwelling on things, then we may miss all that is before us, all that is standing there waiting for us to accept and take it with open arms. Sometimes the pain of the past overshadows our future and doesn't allow us to see it, even when the lights are shining on it.
So I will be here, waiting for the moment, waiting for a yes or a no, waiting for those arms to embrace me, to love me, to show me the ways and the things that I have been missing, for I wasn't seeing all that I was supposed to see. I have to accept love as it comes, find no faults in it, and allow it to grow.

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was just one of those weekends that you just wish to have over and over again. Spent the entire weekend completely worry free with what I hope to be my future wifey. We went so many places and did so many things, I just had a blast. My son who is just as attached to my girl as I am, had the time of his life also, we wore him out everyday, between trips to the park, movies, mall, and eating at all these new and different places. My girl Holly asked me if I wanted to come up this weekend, that's when I decided to work on my master plan of fun!!!!

The whole weekend, no TV, no phones, no computers; nothing but the three of us Holly, Isaac, and me. I couldn't have asked for a better three and a half days. I think I lost my breath a thousand times when ever I saw her with my son, saw the smile on his face, the glow on hers, her eyes shinning bright with happiness. Just made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

The whole weekend was just paradise, which I'm sure I have already said that; never thought that I could have so much fun, and feel so much at ease. My sole worry was, that I wouldn't be able to do it again, that this weekend was our first and last together. I mean wow, we hadn't seen each other in like six months, and things had happened between us to where we didn't even talk for I believe something like two months...but when we saw each other, it was like nothing else even mattered, at least it was for me; almost like we hadn't missed a beat in our lives. Hadn't realized how much I truly had come to miss her till I saw her.

My next fear would be to allow her into my world again and then I get burned. I mean should I allow her to be as important to me as I made her last time, to where my day was dependent on how she was doing? Not this time, I have to play it safe, and what about my little buddy? He is either the glue to build us into ONE, or he could be the one to bring it crashing down. Yea she knew him before she knew me, funny how that worked, she says she just loves and adores him, but with my little dudes ADHD it makes it hard. He has some really bad days, and can be a real pull your hair out headache. Not many people can deal with him when he gets that bad. Some just avoid him all the way around, like my friend back in VA, his wife understood, but he on the other hand had no patience, and avoided my son because of his problem. Either way, my son will always come first and foremost before anyone or anything else.

The only thing that could have made this weekend better, would be to know that I was going to do it again, and more often. For I don't know where it all goes, and I totally let everything go, I didn't even think of all the things that could go wrong with anything, like I normally do; I just went with the flow of it all. Only time will tell where we go, and only time will tell if she will be around longer, and till the end as I hope for. All I can do is maintain, and pray that all goes the way that I have been praying for it to go, and hold my head high and just keep moving forward.

The Trip

Well on April 21,2012 I started my journey. Got the truck and the trailer at 1030, which actually was supposed to be at 0930, but of course there had to be a delay, such as the truck place not being ready, thanks for the discount!!!! After running around all day, I was able to start loading it at about 1630. So from 1630 till about 0330 I was packing the truck, spent another hour or two packing the cab with some necessities and grabbing whatever was lying around into a miscellaneous box. After a five hour nap, got little dude ready and we were on the road by 1030. For a little bit I seriously was doubting me getting out of Virginia, wit all the delays; I forgot to mention what a pain it was to put my car on the trailer!!! Ugh, I had to take apart the hooks on the trailer chains just to be able to get it hooked up. The stock hooks were to small to hook on to my tow points on the car.

So the route that I took was more or less trouble free. My whole trip I intended to take my time and get to Houston by like Tuesday night, but I kicked it up to high gear and made it to my sisters house Tuesday morning. Sometime about Monday afternoon, just out side Montgomery, Alabama I found trouble. See, in all my travels, I have always, and I mean always broke down in Georgia. So imagine my excitement when I made it through that state with no issues. My excitement didn't last long. I made it 170 miles from Atlanta, GA before some body pulled up beside my to tell me something was wrong with the trailer. Just a few moments before somebody hit the horn and pointed back; I had hit a bump and the trailer felt a little loose. Now I really couldn't see anything wrong, and after it broke loose she went right back straight, no wobbles, or bouncing between the lanes. So I figured it was just the road; but after dude pointed back, I already knew what it was, pulled over on I-85 exit 4, and there it was the starboard, aft tire was gone. I was parked for two an a half hours between a tire change and a dead battery. Tell me why the tire guy didn't have jumper cables. What kind of roadside service truck doesn't have jumper cables?!?! So I spent another hour waiting for a jump, from a different company on contract with the truck rental company!!!!

So with all that being said, I just decided it just as well for me to just keep rolling, forget all the side tracks and extra stops. Total actual drive time was 30 hours, that's how long it took to drive this two and a half tons of crap from VA to Houston, the truck had a 4.6 liter Vortec engine, thought it was going to die with some of the hills that I had to go up, down was great, a few times I reached 75, yea stupid I know, but it happened, cause I knew for a fact that the next hill I was going to be lucky to make it to the top at 50 mph; most of the hills I went up had the engine screaming, in low gear and going as slow as 40 mph. Thought I was going to blow the dang engine.

I made it to my sisters house at 0630 April 23,2012, felt wild, crazy, felt energized, felt exhausted, relieved all at the same time. Wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel, found out what traffic is like out on the 59...five lanes and grid lock traffic for absolutely no reason, not an accident, not a car pulled over...nothing. Thought for a minute that I had accidentally driven to Miami!!!! After being here for a few days I think I'm kinda getting the layout down of the city, thankfully it is built on a grid, unlike the place where I came from, you would have to drive in circles to get anywhere. What is confusing to me this far is the way that the freeways are built, they have like a service road that runs next to the freeways, and then they have some kind of express pre-payed toll system that also runs down certain roads with out lights and a few exits.