Overwhelmed

Ive done all I could do, said all I could say, I tried to make this work, wanted to make this work. Apparently it wasn't going to if I'm the only one trying. Seems like I'm always the one trying to make stuff work. I was once told that I would die a lonely person, that love would never find me. I have tried to change that, thought if I changed my ways, became a better person, a better man, more forgiving, that things would turn around for me. I guess I just have to accept my fate, let go of my silly dreams of having a family, and growing old with one person. Seems like the biggest my family will ever get is one, my son. Didn't want him to be an only child, always dreamed of having my kids close in age, of them always being close, so when there mother and I are gone, they can always lean on each other for support.
I have been places, and seen things. Mostly pain and suffering of some form or another has surrounded me, it was okay, I endured, got stronger, more wiser, more patient, and more mature. The pain in my heart these days, the weight of it all, just has me questioning everything. I give 100% of me to everything that I feel is worth fighting for. Lately I feel I barely get 10% back. This is life, yea I get it, but what is real, and what seems to be real are two very different things. I get so caught up on dreaming, that whats real I no longer see, the lies allude me, they are covered with the mist of the dream and wants.
No longer will I just give myself to anybody, I can't do this any more; believe in the lies, get filled up with hope, then get smashed, and dropped like a bad habit without ever having done something wrong. I'm convinced that nice guys will always finish last. That women no longer want a guy to love them, to cherish them, that they just want to be fucked and left to their own ends. Everything is a head game, nobody is real any more, nobody tells how they really feel, that everybody has a mask on. They wear their mask so  well, that they don't know how to take it off any more, it was once a safety for them, but they let it take over, control them, have complete hold that they just can't let it go. Too afraid to show themselves when someone comes along and tries to show them a better life, the way they themselves first dreamed it before the pain, before they were crushed and hurt.
Some people get hurt so bad, they gave all their love away to the wrong person, that didnt value them, didnt cherish them, didnt treat them with respect, and just used them every which way a person could be used, that they don't know how to let go, they don't know how to move from that. Afraid to let someone in, even when that some one has truly fallen for them, cause they can see what is on the inside.
Fear is the worst feeling in the world. It is one emotion that stops us from doing and having so much in our lives. I try and be fearless everyday when I open my eyes, the word was try cause I have lots of fears, most of them stem from my dreams, and alot have to do with my son. But I try and hold it all together. Got the weight of the world on my shoulders, smile when I wanna scream, hide my tears in my pillow for there is no one to hold my hand, no one in which I can lean on. My soul becoming hard, giving up on the faith. Giving up on that dream I have had most my life.....