Thursday, June 14, 2012 | By: Unknown

This New Life

Well, it appears that this "new life" that I came out here to start is growing stagnant. Feelings of depression and worthlessness are starting to set in. I no longer feel useful anymore, there is no jets to fix, no launches, no problems to solve, no maintenance to perform, no watches, or duty days. My days consist of making phone calls, filling out job applications, and sending emails. Nothing new, these four walls are all I see, these four walls know me well. Everything I had planned faltered when I got here, jobs weren't there, shorty wasn't in play, and now I miss my son terribly; he is down in Miami with his mother, it sucks being away from him.
The only positives that I have right now and am thankful for, is the roof over my head; provided by my sister, and this chic. But even still I don't belong here, I don't always feel welcome here, feel like the outcast family member that is just here cause someone invited by mistake. Then....the chick, that I don't even know what I am too her, a cuddle buddy, a friend; she says she's my girl, but I guess that doesn't mean that I'm her man, she keeps her distance, seems to call or text only when I cross her mind. I don't blame her, I mean seriously, who am I fooling, I got no job, and nothing to offer her, except myself; and shes been down a painful road herself. Maybe its my fatal flaw, attract the broken hearted, give them strength to move forward and leave me behind. Since shes just so damn beautiful to me, that even though I feel like less of her man, I guess I can stick around for awhile, see where it will eventually go, just keep my own guards up. I do give her mad props though; cause she got her own; by herself, and takes very good care of her little boy; who is just so damn adorable!!!
Either way, I think my fuel is running out, I have climbed the walls and have gotten no where. As of now, I have done close to 60 applications in multiple fields, in over 50 different companies. My mind can't even keep up with it, and my body has grown tired of it. As each day passes I find myself wanting to sleep longer and longer, forcing myself to rise out the bed. I spoke with a VA counselor, and these feelings that I have are normal for a veteran, but I just need a job to start feeling better about stuff. I'm afraid that by the time I get one, that maybe I would have sunken to deep to pull myself out of the hole. I'm not a huge fan on counseling, but I don't want to be that guy that has to go and have 30 minute sessions to try and fix the state of mind that I have grown into.
I try and remind myself of where I have been, how worse of places and situations that I have been in. Remind myself of the bridge I slept under, the food I would try and get from the restaurants and fast food joints. These things both empower me, and sadden me. They give me strength cause I have pulled through, they sadden me, cause I feel that I'm not that much off from it again.
Who knows, maybe it will turn around soon for me, maybe I will get out of this hole, and be able to keep my promise to my son when I told him that he will have his own when he returns from his moms. I have six weeks before he comes back, and I have to have that done, for him more then anything else.