Friday, July 19, 2013 | By: Unknown

Lifes Journey

Wow it has been awhile since I poured myself onto this screen, been through a lot in that time.  Not going to run down that list cause it is behind me, but I'll do a quickie instead. Since the last writing I've lost my grandfather, lost a close friend, found a great women with kids, moved, had a great job; quit to attend school this coming fall also part of the move, and disowned my family.

That's a lot in such a short time...but hell that's life it comes fast an hard sometimes. This girl I met though, wow, she makes me happy, I adore her two kids, its tuff though, her kids are a little rebellious towards me, but I think in time all will work out. My son is so happy to have them in our lives, which makes me very happy. The kids are more or less close in age, they have they're moments but getting along well enough; for boys that is.

I now find myself playing the roll of house guy, or...well not sure of the exact title...maybe stay at home dad fits the description. Somedays its great, sometimes I feel like I'm pulling my hair out, like I'm going to lose my mind. Its taking quiet a bit of adjusting for me, cause I have always been the provider of my household, but the roles have switched and my beautiful girl has taken the reigns of bringing in the bacon, and I maintain or children and house.

My friend that passed a few months ago was important to me. For he helped me without asking much in return when I needed it the most. For some silly reason he took a road that we never went on when heading to base on his bike. Except on that day a car turned in front of him and he didn't have a chance to slow down...and as I write this someone else who was very dare and important to me is passing away, my son's mother. Her and I had a long relationship, we lasted ten years together, we would be on our twelfth year had we not separated a few years back. What was important was that we still remained somewhat close, not only for our sons sake, but because we knew we could always lean on one another, because we were still best friends in away. My biggest regret, one that will always haunt me, is that I had moved from her, avoided her to protect myself. For I feared this day was going to come; so I tried to run from it.I felt that if I was far enough away things would be easier, that it wouldn't hurt so much, that the pain would be more manageable. Saying good bye wasn't something that I was prepared for.

Now she sleeps heavily sedated, unknowingly the night before last was THE last time that my son and I would ever hear her voice again. The last time to ever crack a joke...the last time I will ever hear my son get excited about talking about food, that was their thing, for some reason him and her could watch the cooking channels for hours; which in turn allowed them to connect and talk.

There was so much I wanted to say...so much I wanted to hear from her...so much finger pointing...things I will just have to live with, things I can only pray on. With all her weaknesses amd her strengths, I give her all the props in the world, for with her last days she excepted her passing, with the strength beyond her she remained brave with her good byes.

For so long I was just mad at her, almost to the point of hatred, I blamed her for all she did to herself, by not taking care of herself she ruined all my future plans, I did not see myself going this way. I thought I was going to grow old with her. and have more kids , and grow to see our grandchildren. For some reason I always saw us growing old together. I never got to tell her that I forgive her, and I wasn't mad anymore. I will always love her, she gave me something that I will always love and cherish and that is my son, and lasting memories that I will take with me through all of time....