Stuff-Just Venting

This is one of those moments where you just write. You poor your heart out onto the screen and let all the pain flow, all the frustration go with the wind. These past four months seems like it has just been one thing or another. I’m not even sure on where I would like to start. Lets see…I'm just really frustrated right now, things seem to be going all horribly wrong. Seems like everything is against my succeeding, no matter how hard I fight it, things go south. Yea I know that it is life, but damn none stop already…”GIVE IT A REST ALREADY!!!” I’m screamin in my head. To no avail, I am the only one that can hear my screams. Not doing hot in school, cause I’m dealing with way too many obstacles continuously. Always a struggle, I worry constantly about money, some days I have to remind myself to stop thinking on it. Money isn’t all that I worry about though, I probably worry about as much as the average person, just a little more on a constant basis. My kids fall under my money stressing, I worry that things aren’t the way they should be for them. I worry about how they do in school, if I spent enough time with them through out the week. That last one being a biggie; feel like I get too busy sometimes to spend enough time with them. They are only kids once, so I feel guilty for it, and I try and tell myself that I have to make that sacrifice now, so that way they can have a better life. That excuse only lasts so long though…
I worry about my schooling, I try hard to be the perfect student, to get good grades, but at the end of the day I feel like I’m just struggling through it, barely floating. It just pisses me off when these teenagers whine about the overly petty shit that they wine about, they get bad grades cause they bullshit too much. Then of course you got the other students, those that have everything just lined up for them. Good grades, just breezing through it without breaking a sweat. I think on it and sometimes I feel that it is just my fate not to be able to go to school…All I do know is that I don’t want to let my kids down, don’t want to let my girl down…yet that fear is manifesting itself into like mini panic attacks, I don’t know what to do about it anymore…
Of course don’t let me forget that three days after my last post I wrecked my car. Worst part  is, it initially seemed like a little fender bender, then it turned into a bent frame, two broken engine mounts, a transmission mount, transmission entirely, bumper, bumper strut, and the part that took the cake was the ABS control module, $$2500$$!! The total cost of repairs to my car was to total over nine grand!!! There went my dream car, the day after my birthday!! Had to buy anothe one, another dent in our wallet!! Whatever, it was good while it lasted, and I can at least say that I did it once.
My girl worries me. I love her to death, but sometimes I can’t deal. I feel like she does things on purpose sometimes, almost like she is jealous of me. Every exam I have taken, there was an argument the night before that lasted through out that day. Sometimes I caused it, but most of it was taken way out of proportion. I’m not perfect by any means, and I’m not looking for perfection at all. State that loud and clear, so I don’t expect things to be that way. Its like she don’t understand everything I am struggling with: school, relationship, guilt from lost time...the house and cars and bills and on and on. I try hard and focus a lot on schooling because of my stress of letting the family down, of not being able to be the man that provides so she don’t have to work hard, so my family can go from the have not’s to the haves.
I think about my son’s mother often too. I miss her a lot. Maybe it is because he reminds me of her, when I look at my son I see his mother. Or maybe it is this relationship, with all of its similarities with my son’s mom that makes me think on her. I had a counselor, when described my life and relationships ask me “Why do you think you have to save woman, why is it that you are attracted to woman that need help in some way… or healing… or is sick? Maybe you are the one that needs saving, maybe you should allow a woman to come to you and let her rescue you.” I thought on those words; my son’s mother was a diabetic, she didn’t take care of herself correctly often enough, every female before her and after her have had something wrong, loneliness, broken heated, strength to leave a relationship. They were all damaged goods sort of speaking. Yet I wanted to rescue them from themselves. I failed with my son’s mother, she passed three weeks from her 27^th birthday. I never stopped loving her, but I had to separate myself from her, I just knew that when and if she died, if there wasn’t that space, then I might not have made it. So I focused solely on our son. Others I helped in one way or the other, I do believe that we all come into other people’s lives for a reason, that person or yourself needed to live a certain way and have certain experiences. It’s always a win/lose situation for me I guess. Have a moment of sadness when she crosses through, or Isaac says something, or I see something, find a lost treasure like a piece of paper with her hand writing.
I’m not perfect, I make mistakes. So I know that some of my problems stem from me. I hold on to things past; which I hate myself for it, its just so hard to forget shit that hurts. I can be resentful if I get hurt enough. I have this shell up, my guard on most of the time. I feel as if someone is always going to let me down. It is really hard for me to let people into my circle, I just don’t trust people in general, too many let downs. So if I give you the title as “friend” then honor it because you probably earned it. Which is why I don’t have many friends, I have associates. I mean whose going to let you down if you don’t give any one the opportunity to do so? Nobody but yourself that’s who. I also have this really bad habit of not really saying what I mean, or rather saying something that can be taken multiple ways. They almost always get turned negative in some way, never for their true underlining meaning. It’s a horrible habit…
Today (05Dec.13) I’m extremely depressed, feeling down and out, totally over stressed. I had a rough night trying to study for an exam, and finalize an essay that I worked on for almost a month. So that was already up there. Then other things kicked off and added more things onto the load. Its like somethings aren’t understood and boundaries get over stepped….goodnight.