Phases and Proper Planning

These are the things I need to be in work on now and continue to work on other things that are further ahead in the future. By making this list it will help me too stay on track, without too many diversions. Cause in order to succeed you must have an action plan, an idea of what you want, how to get it, and when you want it by.

Phase I- 1-4 Months

1. Get medically checked for everything possible (secure disability)
2. Get all veteran affairs in order (GI Bill, medical, education, proof of OJT)
3. get educated on GI Bill vs Post 911
4. Complete proper resume
5. Prepare for move
6. Locate/research housing
7. Locate source of income before I arrive
8. Research local colleges to where I'm moving

Phase II- 3-6 Months

1. Complete move to Texas
2. Secure proper housing
3. Secure income (if not already)
4. Secure schooling (if not already)

Phase III- 1-4 years

1. Complete secondary education (bachelors) ($$)
2. Purchase my own home (if not already in work) (3-5 beds, 2.5 baths, garage, 1+ acre of land)
3. Secure work in proper field of study ($$$$)
4. Marry and re-settle down
5. Have second child

As each phase is completed it will open up new doors and new chapters upon my life, most I will gladly accept.

Great Day

Today was a great day, even on little sleep I accomplished more then usual. Worked, worked out, caught my son from the bus on time this time, got home work done, and attended an awesome multicultural night with my son at his school. It was awesome!!! Never did things like that when I was in second grade!!! They had all the classrooms set up with a different culture, and food to taste from the many cultures that we have in the area.
They did a really good job. My son got to singing in three different languages, and try food from around the world tonight, most of which I had eaten in some way shape or form, but he had never so he just had a blast, made me so proud!!!! Love my little buddy, as much stress he adds into my life, that's how much more he removes from it at the same time. He makes me proud to say that I'm his father...Now if only I can find him a fill in mom....lol JK!!!!!
O yea almost forgot to mention that my day was totally complete when shorty that I have been missing these days hit me up to Skype cause she wanted to see me. I feel on top of the world, seems like more things then not are falling in place, almost done with smoking, down to a pack every three days, awesome considering that I'm a pack or more a day kinda guy!!!
Next step is to start making my resume more along the lines for what it is that I'm applying for, and also to be more professional and break down what it is that I have been doing for the past four years in the military and how that translates into the civilian quadrant. Mouth full!!! Once that is completed the next step will be to go out and start applying with an open ended date to start of work pending release of active duty service.
With all that being said I got everybody and there momma trying to find ways to convince me to stay in the navy, for some bullshit reason or another, even as far as telling me that I will spend less time with my family as a civilian. Bullshit I tell yea, cause the way I see it is that I'm going to get out of the navy, go to school, hold down a part time job, and from there just keep moving up the chain until I make it to the top and that my family is fully set in every aspect of life. My future wife is set, and my children are all set for college and their future is secured with trusts and such.
What would make it even better is if I can get around to setting up my own business to make it a family owned and operated one, definitely capable of running itself and staying with-in the family on down the line to even my great grand-children. That would be a true dream come true.

LiL Buddy dressed to impress!!!

Where Did I go Wrong

So for the life of me there are some things that I just can't figure out, I mean I must be a worthy man, cause my ex-wife would like to be with with me still and would rather have stayed with me. Yet since we separated I have been in two relationships that just didn't work out oto well. No matter how hard I tried for them to work they failed. Yet the women still want to stay friends with me. But seriously how do you stay friends with someone that you would rather be with, not just sitting on the side lines. Yes granted one of the woman is married; still thanks to me, and it was doomed to fail between me and her, but the other; I messed up pretty bad with that one.
I got nervous and scared, I'm a grown ass man, I will admit to it, I was worried that the distance that we had to endure was going to ruin what we had been building on, I was afraid to loose such a good one. With her living in Texas and me stuck in Virginia, I was like man this sucks all I wanted was to see her, to hold her, but I kept telling her that if we make it through the distance, then we can make it through anything, total fail on my part, just for being an idiot. I mean me and her shared the same hopes and aspirations. She loved my son, which is most important, cause he adored her. She wanted to adopt him and continue to have a family and make additions to it, she has no kids; perfect right?
She had this idea that since I broke the tie with her for all of six hours that she just wants to focus on school, and keep me as a friend. Great is what I thought cause my own undoing was my own fear. Go figure. Well I have given her space, let her be free, if she was serious then we will see where it goes, cause if she comes back around after shes done with school...I more then likely wouldn't hesitate, for I wasn't looking when I found her, it just happened.
Funny thing is when I was first introduced, I was like man, I really want to get to know this chic, on a personal level, and the more I learned about her, the more I got sprung on her. She thinks its the idea of her, but I say it is all of her for who she is, and where she wants to go in life. I miss the hell out of her, worst part is that I keep beating myself up for it, lesson learned I suppose. I just hope that where ever she goes in life, that she holds no regret, and that the next man is a better one then me. For in the end I suppose I just want her to be happy.

Life as A Single Father

You know I really have to give it up to all the single parents out there. I always thought my mom was a little exaggerated about raising us kids; she had five of us, teenagers by the time our step-father left. We weren't bad kids per-say, but we were kids. Now that I'm one, single parent that is, I have a little bit more understanding as to what my mother meant. Seems like there really isn't much time in a day to do everything that has to be done, Monday through Friday its get him off to school, go to work, get home at the same time he does, do homework, run errands, make dinner, and find some way to spend some one on one time that he so desperately needs in his life. He feels abandoned by his mother, and like neither of his parents love him. God I try so hard to show him I love him, yet it still isn't enough. For I can't be his mother, she could never be truly replaced, and he just doesn't fully understand.

I'm just thankful for the people that I have in my life that help too lighten the load even if only a little. Both with my son, and with myself. Some days I feel as if I could go crazy, but I know that if I just hold my head up high, take care of my son, make plans with back-ups for his and my future, then all will work out as it should. I will have the things that I want from life, and my son and hopefully future children will be set. I'm working for his future, for a better life...

Cleaning

When a long term serious relationship ends, there really is alot of stuff to go through, especially when one walks away and leaves everything behind. So today I spent the day cleaning out what was once a home, but now is a house with whispering memories. I spent most of the day going through old boxes and shredding memories, then adding them to the disposable grill. As the fire consumed the papers and twirled to the sky with the ashes of our names, socials, and once shared bank accounts; I watched and sent up a prayer towards the heavens, asking for a better life, asking for a sign, asking for the lords blessings for my son and me.

Love Gained and Lost

So we know a little about me now, I would say its about that time to bring in the whole start of this blog, the reason why I got the idea to keep a live digital log of my life, travels, and relationship, also to include raising a child with ADHD as a single parent. In 2009 I started to see this girl...from here on out shall just be known as S...So S showed me something, she let me know that their is someone out there that can make me happy again...if you remember my home was a broken home, me and my sons mother weren't talking and just couldn't stand one another.
So since I'm a one woman man I hadn't been with another one, I had forgotten what it was life to be wanted, forgotten what it was like to be cherished...forgotten alot of things that I no longer had with my sons mom. She totally opened me up, broke down all my walls that I had built over the years that made me strong, and gave me courage, and made me a real asshole to most people that didn't know me for who I was. The only problem with S, was that she was married. Her story goes that she was very unhappy, for he mentally abused her, made her feel less of a woman, treated her as if she were a child, always told her she was ugly, and dumb. Her problem was is that, that is all she knows, the were high school sweet hearts, and she has a child by him.
Yes I know, "big problem" its so true what they say, that when a woman loves she loves unconditionally. For in the end she helped me and she heart me, six months into our relationship, after we've made all these plans, started setting things in motion, she gets cold feet, she gets scared, she decides that she wants to fix things with her husband...fair enough, I'm such a good guy I sudden;y turn from lover, to counselor, and I help her to save her marrige. Not so sure why I allowed myself to be hurt that way, maybe it was because mine was so far gone that there was no repairs for it so why not? Couldn't tell you, it just happened that way. No I was never mad at her for what she did, I was crushed, I was deeply hurt, I was semi out of my mind, hell I had fallen so hard for her and her son; being that I always wanted more kids, but my sons mother couldn't carry, that I adopted him as my own.
We live and learn I suppose, never again will I mess with a young married chic, your UN-happy...LEAVE HIM...don't come to me with no bullshit!
Well time goes by, we went our separate ways, and thanks to her, I was a new person. I mean not in the sense that my whole mind set has changed, just in the way that I go about things, that making friends now comes easier, talking to women comes almost naturally. I started listening more to myself, taking my own advice that i just give out like candy but never really follow. Things like "happiness is what you make it" and "life is to short to be angry or upset" and "cherish the ones around you, cause you never know" just sayings just like that when applied makes life so much less stressful, so much more appeasable.

A History Lesson

Think I should give a little history about myself. Lets take it back to 2003 about nine years ago. Fresh out of high school, big dreams, five scholarships, you name it I had it. Then one day my girl-friend tells me shes pregnant. So I did what any real man would do. Went out and got three jobs. Life was hard, I was going on 19, alone from everything. But I prevailed, fought against her mother, my mother, my sister, and the rest of the gypsy clan as i like to call them; and made things happen for me and her.

Now all that sounds a little easy, but it wasn't, there were times I thought I would never stop struggling, never thought I would make it. Life had some good times for me, it wasn't all pain and suffering, after my son we did some house hopping, I job hopped...eventually I was able to get us an efficiency in the Perrine area of south Florida. Found a good job life was going great, like a fool I spent a lot, spoiled her, had more or less what I wanted. Like all good things, the job ended. Like most of America, I found myself jobless in 2006. Struggled after my meager savings ran out, she went back to her clan, and I slept under bridges...blah, blah.

Let's fast forward a little more...At the end of 2007 I enlisted into the United States Navy, married my sons mother in April of 2008 and left for boot camp. Boot camp wasn't so bad, it was what it was...the next chapters in my life almost pushed me over the edge to no return. While I was in boot, my new wife is back home, bull shitting with everything I make, she couldn't save a dime, even going as far as "investing" in her ex-boyfriends business. How shitty is that? My money and it's being screwed all around with before I can even see it. Whatever...fast-forward some more 2009 her kidneys give out on her, thanx to her not having been taking care of herself with diabetes...at the age of 22 she's on dialysis...what the fuck! At the end of 2009 in November on the 16th at about 1730ish I get the call to tell me that I'm a perfect match to donate a kidney to her and save her life, but I can't donate.

Through out the next year we just fall apart. I mean everything went out the window. I watched the woman that I deeply loved deteriorate in front of me, watched her wither away, stood by the hospital bed, took the ambulances, the midnight freak outs that she was dying on me right there because her sugar dropped to the teens and she had a stroke, and seizures, and on and on. Mean while all that was going down...the silence in the grew deeper, and darker. If we spoke it was unkindly, we slept in different rooms. My house was a broken home.

I couldn't even look at her any more. She brought great anger and hatred towards her from me, she disgusted me. Not because of how she looked, all sickly and such; but because she had ruined my dreams, she took all that I had been working for and turned it useless and a total waste of time. A family with her, and more kids is all I wanted, for us to have all that we wanted...She ruined it all by not caring enough about us, about her son, about life to take care of herself. Again life came crashing down around me. Yea some may not see it that way, may say "What a self centered asshole, blah, blah" But the whole picture is her crushing dreams, same as if she cheated on me, which I'm sure she has; same as if she just jumped off a building into the abyss of fuck it I'm single. Even still the most important thing, our son. He started asking questions like "is mommy going to die? Is mommy dying now?" started getting really curious about death.

That's when it all clicked...so in November of 2010 I filed for separation. Not just because she was sick, but more importantly to protect my son. A six or seven year old should not be concerned in anyway with death. Now I'm waiting for the courts to make a final decision on our divorce decree, and grant us the divorce.

So now we are up to date with everything in my world...from time to time I will share somethings from the past, kinda bounce back and forth...take care.