Saturday, April 21, 2012 | By: Unknown

Day Dreaming

I find myself day dreaming about things to come. This new life that I'm to start, in a new place, in a new job. Nervous but ready for it, ready for that change, ready for that chance to get started on something real, something big. There isn't nothing to really hold me back except self doubt. For all the dreams that I have, all the hopes and dreams, as long as I keep them alive, there is no reason for me to not be able to make it. My biggest worry is and still will always be taking care of my sons needs, and I don't just mean material, I mean with all his abandonment issues, and his self blame of the split, which is natural for a child at his age.
I have day dreams, not of glamor and everything that shines and glistens, not of cars, not of huge houses, those things aren't important to me...
But dreams of family, dreams of peace, of more children, of a wife that loves me as much as I love her. But a life of family and of children, to grow old with one person; now that would be a dream come true for me. That would truly be a life worth living and fighting for.
Being that I have had and lost, then I suppose when the time is right for me, when my career is going well, when I have that house I want, and hopefully when my son isn't to old; then I will be blessed. For now all I can do is dream.
Friday, April 20, 2012 | By: Unknown

Pursuit of Happiness

As these days pass form one to the next I try and remind myself what this country is based on, what principles have built it into what it is. I can't think of a more better passage from the Declaration of Independence then: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It says it plane as day, right there on a document that our founding fathers saw fit to put in there some 236 years ago. The very thing that thousands of people come to this country for. If it is written then it should be, why is it so hard to achieve sometimes. Why is it that some of us struggle, day in and day out and never really make it anywhere? Never fully reach or even be allowed to chase our own purist of happiness.
I used to think that happiness was a thing that was earned, earned from hard work, earned from sacrifices made to survive, and earned from those that you love. These days it just seems like the harder I work at things, the farther they get from me, always with-in my grasp, just never able to hold it. I'm sure that I'm not the only one that feels this way. From here on out there is nothing but up for me, my career is in my hands now, my education is in my hands now, there is no one controlling my life from here on out but me.
That's why I propose to never except a NO from here on out, never sit back and wait for an opportunity on things, but instead to make those opportunities happen. For I truly believe that luck favors not the fortunate, but those that are prepared, those that are looking at the world as they play ground, not as an enemy. Looking at a struggle as what it is, a learning lesson. I was once told, "To go out in a day and learn nothing, is to have wasted a day." We need to go out into the world every single day and look at what is before us, look for every opportunity to better ourselves in some way. It could be so simple as reading a blog about stress, or watching how someone does something different, or taking a course on a way to better yourself at your job to get that promotion. Being proactive in your life!!!
This can be applied to all aspects of life, children, marriage, work, and self. So maybe the pursuit of happiness isn't so much as what we have, but maybe what it is. Life is full of fears,"If I ask for a raise, will I get fired, should I shoot for that new position, if I try this, will I get this result..." and on and on. The way that I see it is, that the greatest risk in life is never taking any risks, people let their fears wall them in, to afraid to jump at something cause it might fail in the end. The point is, you never really know until you try. Like Thomas Edison said when asked about failure in creating the light build, he said "I have not failed, not once, I have just discovered a thousand ways that won't work." he also goes on to state that he is not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
I could go on and on about Thomas Edison, for he makes many good points on life, perseverance, and persistence. In fact we can look at all the great men and women before our time and see that just by them not giving up, not excepting failure, and not listening to others; that we wouldn't have half the stuff we have today. The most important thing to get out of this is to not allow oneself to feel less of a person, and to always chase your dreams, chase what you want in life, for it's short. Everybody dies, but not many people get to live, it's your life, live it how you want to, and push yourself to always do better. Improve on one thing about yourself everyday, everything else will fall into place.
Always remember, after every dark night, there's a bright day; after every mistake there's a chance to learn and fix it; if you should fall, pick yourself up and try again.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012 | By: Unknown

Almost Ready

So the day has finally arrived, I'm officially on what is called "terminal leave"; which basically states that I no longer will be reporting to anybody, and I no longer need to return to my duty station. This is something that is odd for me, for I'm both excited and I have this feeling of being lost. For the past four years all I did was roger up, muster, stand watches, and muster with someone. Now the only people I have to answer to is my son and myself. Not that I'm complaining, it's just that I have it in my blood that way, I was trained as such. My father would like to call that "being a victim of the US military", I just see it as routine that has been instilled in us for us to always be on the ready.
Now I think the hardest part about all of this is, watching this place fade out in my rear-view. Where I pretty much have spent the past four years fade out, I really wasn't happy here, but for the most part, it's all I know. Some good friends are here, some nice places, hell I lived five miles from the beach, and just because it isn't Miami Beach, I can honestly say that I only visited it three times, and twice it was at night. One of those nights was a really great night, I would post a picture but if she ever read this she would be pist that the world got to see how beautiful she is, cause according to her she's not. Sad, but that's neither here nor there.


View Larger Map
I'm going to take my time on this drive coming up, it is like 1407 miles, and 22hrs, my son and I are totally going to take a few to get where we are going, stop off at a few places, and check the scenes at places like Atlanta, and New Orleans. Maybe I will take the slightly longer road out and hit up Knoxville, Tennessee. Who knows, my little navigator is totally running the show, I'm just a driver. When I was a kid I used to love road trips, but then I got older and understood how much it sucked, mainly because there was five of us, and we really couldn't make extra stops, wasn't that affordable for them. The cooler had sandwiches and drinks, so the only time we stopped was for fuel and bathroom breaks. This time though it will be different, I got nothing but time on my hands, and only one person is going to get it.
With-in the next few days I will be all packed up, and hopefully by Saturday I will be on the road, to a new life, a new beginning.
Saturday, April 14, 2012 | By: Unknown

Lose it All, Gain More

So I decided that this weekend I wouldn't stress about nothing. Spent the past week worrying about getting things done, getting situated for my discharge. Spent the better part of that trying to figure out how I was going to move all my stuff to where I was going to be staying. Being that this was so shirt notice, I'm not ready. Turns out that I will probably lose everything that I have worked hard for. I've come to the terms that maybe this is something that the lord is trying to teach me about, a lesson in to where it's not so bad to lose it all and start life over with nothing, cause after all we are born with nothing and we die with nothing.
With all that being said, I took it easy today. I learned that my son has an interest in classical music and playing the key board. He tries to imitate what he hears on the radio, cause he had me playing some Mozart and Beethoven. Seemed like his favorite was the Beethoven-Fur elise, and the Moonlight sonata. Interesting cause I have always loved music and playing instruments. Just never got around to being able to go to school for the instruments. Starting with my introduction to classical music back when I was in seventh grade thanks to my math teacher. He always said that it soothes the mind and allows one to think clearly and be at peace with oneself.
With that being said I think I'm going to see if I can get him in on some lessons, probably won't last long with him being ADHD and all, but hey its a start at finding his passions. So, not only did we do that today, but spent a few hours at the park running a muck. Had a total blast running around with my other family that we won't be seeing any more come this Friday when Isaac and me hit the road towards new adventures and a new life.
In my rear-view
Leaving it all behind
Which brings me around to the point of this post..."Lose it all, gain more". I have come to the conclusion that it is okay if I can't take all my possessions with me. The only thing that is going to bother me, is having to telll my son that we have to leave his toys behind, that we can't take them all with us. I have a lot of stuff, things that I have aquired over the years of working hard. Mostly all of it I can survive without, it is just a shame to have to lose it all. TVs, double pillow top queen bed, with the complete room set; washer and dryer, and so many more things...sadly I might end up leaving it all behind. I believe that the lord is testing me, all my life, in someway, shape or form I have been fighting for possessions, things I wanted, things to spoil my wife with, things to spoil my son with. Maybe I need to lose it all, to get everything back better. Maybe that's what I need to experience. I mean I know what it is like to lose things, and people, but maybe I need to feel what it is to lose everything all at once. Cause being divorced wasn't enough, being single wasn't enough, so my new lesson must be for me to lose my possessions, and I think I can deal with it. For the lord will never give me more then I can handle. I try and remind myself that, I also try and tell myself that sometimes you just have to sacrifice it all to get it all.
“The sacrifice which causes sorrow to the doer of the sacrifice is no sacrifice. Real sacrifice lightens the mind of the doer and gives him a sense of peace and joy. The Buddha gave up the pleasures of life because they had become painful to him.”- Mahatma Gandhi
Monday, April 9, 2012 | By: Unknown

Re-Focusing

I have done alot of things in my 27 years of life, not all of it good, not all of it bad. I have seen things that could make some people go crazy, been places that are almost to bad to speak of. I have been shot at, held at gun point, robbed, robbed back, and buried people that I love. Mostly I have worked hard, and hustled hard; weather it is cds, clothes,cars, whatever I could get my hands on that was worth selling. With long hours, bleeding hands, bleeding feet. Always working to achieve something, always working to get something. Weather it was for clothes for my little boy, or food, or a peaceful life, or a way out the ghetto, or love. I mean that's more or less the basics that we all wish for, that we all work for. We just all go about it differently, some get on the grind and never stop pushing against it all, some just kinda are lucky and everything just falls in place, some go to school, and study hard while life passes them by...
Whatever you do to get where your trying to go, just remember that sometimes it's okay to give up on certain things, cause your not really giving up on it, just focusing on somethings that will in turn get you what you stopped focusing on. Giving up on yourself is never allowed though, always do to better yourself in life, everything else will eventually fall where it should.
There is one thing that I have given up on, that would be to resettle down. Guess it's not in the stars, or whatever you believe, for me to just be with someone. Suppose maybe there is something that I need to fix with-in before other things will come. Not that big of a deal, I really don't know what to do as a single man, and a single father. Been a one woman man since I was like 18, been a husband and a father since I moved out the house. Not having someone to answer to is kind of, free I guess you can say. But if I really look at it, I still answer to my son, there isn't a parent that can't say that they don't answer to their children in some way, shape, or form. His needs will always come first.
Turns out that someone decided to hit fast forward on my life. Found out on Friday that I have 30 days left in the Navy, then I'm on my own. I was getting ready to do that in a few more months, but now I feel like I have tomorrow. So my plans to move to Texas in a few months, yea scratch that, now it will be in a few weeks. I'm more or less excited about it, my sister says she has my back, maybe we can rekindle that playful childhood connection that we shared until I pretty much bounced out the house when I was a young teenager. My sister Melissa and I used to be inseparable, my greatest concern is that her kids, my nieces and nephews don't know me. Worried that they might not like their big Uncle Joe. My son isn't too much of a worry, I tell him who they are, and he respects and loves so easily in his innocence.
The job market seems to look pretty good between Dallas and Houston...so I believe I will do just fine. Schools for my kid are going to be the tough part. He's going from an A+ school, to schools that are less then. Not trying to knock the schools, but lets face it country style and suburban style schools compared to schools in a large city are way better. Next is if they will understand his ADHD and work with us to get him properly taken care of, and educated.
So let the next chapter of my life begin. May the doors open before me that I have yet to see. I'm just so ready for it to get going!!!! Although I suppose that it has already begun.
Sunday, April 8, 2012 | By: Unknown

Getting it Done

Sorry I have just been crazy busy!!! Found out that I have thirty days to get out of the navy. Kind of short notice, but hey that's the life that I have been living for the past four years of my life anyway. Thankfully I had gotten into this special class that they give us, it's for us to transition from military into the civilian sector again. Alot of us have been in way too long, don't have a clue on what it is that we can do out there,nor where to start. Basically the class teaches us how to look for jobs, how to dress, how to handle interviews, and most importantly how to write a resume. With out knowing how to translate my military title and skills into civilian lingo, I might have been a little lost. I wrote a resume about a month ago, after taking this class, I pretty much rebuilt it. There was so much that I didn't even know to put down.
Going back to the civilian life is something that I have wanted for awhile now, realized that this whole thing wasn't all for me, wasn't something I can see myself doing for the next 15 years. I'm not knocking it, I can honestly say that I have had some really good experiences, learned alot, gained alot, just the whole thing of missing birthdays, and holidays, getting married and then divorced; it's just all a bit much. Seen too many people just fall apart, meet too many people that had to go away, or have passed away, seen marriages just crumble, cheating wives and husbands, taking their vowels with no seriousness. As much bad as I have seen I have seen I have gained that much more good, seen dreams come true, had some of mine be made in front of me, such as getting away from the ghetto, finding a career that will take care of my family with enough to put away, and so much more.
I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous, I'm scared. I haven't had to find a job, haven't had to worry about insurance, haven't had to even decide what I will wear to work. Things that I took for granted. My sons meds are monthly 900 dollars easy, I'm personally up to a few hundred for allergies and sleep meds. That's more then a pay check for most people. All will be fine, I'm just over thinking, over stressing about my sons future. More or less I'm just ready to start the first day of the rest of my life.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012 | By: Unknown

Sometimes He Says Things at the Wrong Time

You know I'm glad that I have been able to create lasting memories for my son when his mother and I were together. Sometimes he just randomly recalls these things from somewhere deep with-in his little mind. Somedays I like hearing him recant how me, him, and mommy went and did this, or while I was doing something and mommy made a funny joke about it. Just little innocent things like that, most of the time it is no big deal, when it gets to me though is when he says something about how he misses it, or asks if I miss it.
Tonight was a little different for something, I just have been so busy that I really haven't payed attention to anything else other then my son, and attending my transitional assistance program; basically a class to help me transition back into being a normal, regular Joe, a civilian with a background, nothing more and nothing less. Being that it is so important for to get out of service and land on my feet I just don't have the time for uselessness right now. Yet during dinner, that I managed to cook after class, while writing resumes!!! Anyway while we were eating, he says "Hey, dad, remember when we used to make breakfast for dinner?" I only heard parts of that...but "Yea buddy" so he continues..."When Mommy would pop the eggs into a bowl, and I would scramble them, and then you and mommy would make either the eggs, or french toast together....I miss that." The look on his face is what did it more for me.
He looked for the moment as if he were lost all alone in the middle of the woods. Seriously, everything stopped for him. As I watched all this go down, I started to go back, started day dreamin about that time, even though I was eating spaghetti I smelled eggs, tasted the french toast. A blink later, hes back to his normal self, back to eating ad laughing and asking for another plate. My meal was done, with a half a plate left, served over to him, I was finished with dinner, taken back to some deep place in my mind.
This deep place in my mind isn't so much of me missing her per-say, but more so of missing that moment, missing that good time, before the pain tore us apart. It's the life style that I was accustomed to for all these years, the life style I wanted. I'm not a go out all night and party guy, I'm not one to sleep around really, I just like that affection, that one on one, that cuddle time, that intimate time that I shared with someone on a permanent bases. I miss what she stood for at one time, I miss what she used to be, and most of all I just miss having someone around me that I can talk with and joke with and knows what the hell I mean.
I love my little buddy to death, and as previously mentioned, he can just pull some of the most random things out of his little head, most times it doesn't bother me, but then there are those times when I'm just to tired and like arrrrgghhhh, totally throws me off track for a bit till I can bring myself back around. Gotta love the randomness of an innocent child....