Intersecting Lives

I don't know if I have talked about this before, but either way it has been on my mind so here goes, time to let it pour out onto my screen.....
We all have a purpose in this world, we all meet people and come into their lives for one reason or another, either we ourselves needed it, or they needed it. We always get something from the relationships that we have, and I just don't mean the relationships of boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife; I mean all forms of the word; friends, family, relations, affairs, all of it. Somehow, some way one or the other needed it. Either we need them to change our life or we change theirs. Some is business, some need excitement, some need someone to talk to, some just want the sex, some just want to be away from everything in their life that bothers them.
Every time we come into someones life something changes, ourselves, or them. We take and or give with every interaction. Sometimes if we aren't careful, we lose a little bit in the end, but more times then not we win, cause we learned something, we helped someone, we lived a little. Even knowing the out come, we sometimes still allow it to be, just because we are curious, or we needed reason, or excitement.
I believe that my purpose in life is to just fix people, or at least try. It seems like that is all I find these days, broken women. Women that need to be saved from their own lives in one way or another. Showed something different, allowed to feel happy for whatever is wrong, or an ear that is always available. One way or another, I end up losing, I mean I gain and lose at the same time. I may gain a friend or lose one, I may gain a momentary love, but in the end, when their fixed...they disappear for awhile, only to come back around later on for more repairs..??
I dont know anymore. What I do know is that I am me, and I will always be the same. I'm not perfect, but I try, I'm not rich, but my heart is huge, but maybe thats the problem...I have a big heart and for some reason I want to save them, but in the end, who saves me? Who picks me up when I'm down? Who listens for my cries for help? Alone is how I feel....

Where do I Stand

Im at a serious cross roads in my life, I feel as if everything I touch just falls away as I touch it, like the ashes of what is and what could be raining all around me. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to do, there was a time in life when I believed that my soul purpose in life, the reason I was on this planet was to make others happy, to bring laughter to people, to be the life of the party, and in any situation. Being that I am human, just a man, I have made a lot of mistakes in life. Done things that I'm not proud of, said things to those that I love, hurt people because I could. I just feel like I'm being punished for my past ways, like everything is hunting me, I don't sleep cause my dreams of life are nightmares when I close my eyes.
I try and keep the faith, asked for forgiveness, pushed forward through this hell that I seem to find myself. I starting to feel like it is all but a waste of time, that my feelings and thoughts no longer matter, if they ever did at all; to those that I feel the most for. Every mistake I make is made into something bigger, everything I say is taken out of context, feel like I am never fully understood.
When every time you take a step forward with something that is important, and you end up two steps back...what is one to do?
The cross roads in which I stand are a tough one, I have my sister here that I love to death and would do anything for her; but she still punishes me for things that I did when I was young, barely out of my teens, things that I cant change no matter how hard I want to. I had reached a point when our step-father walked out on us, to where I just wanted to run, be free, yet I had the entire weight of the family on my shoulders. In the end, things got out of hand, and I left for a few years. Turned my back to all of them, with much regret. Her children have taken to me alot, I couldn't see myself not in their lives anymore, but the pain of being here so close to my sister, yet so far is getting to be heavy.
Then I have this chick, that some how has come back into my life after so many years. We met almost ten years ago, but I was already with my sons mother, so me being a loyal and respectable man, I stayed away. I stayed away cause I was crushing her, she was cute, and I saw inn her this greatness, this power to be independent, and mothering, just knew she would be somebody some day. Never did I imagine that one day I would get to be with her. I fell more or less instantly for her, like this great spark, the way I see her and the way she makes me feel inside, so at peace, so tenderly warm and comfortable. No longer do I feel restless when I am in her arms. I can actually sleep the few times that we have cuddled. Yet her past is being projected onto me, bring fear of pain to her heart.
Brings me back to my cross roads, do I stay or do I go? There are a few roads to which I can choose, I haven't a clue as to which one I should choose. If I were to stay would anything change, should I keep struggling here where I have little support? Or do I take the other road and leave, take what I can fit in my car and roll out to my home, where family and friends are missing me, and are in-abundance? And yet there's still another road in which I can choose...stay, build a foundation here, work hard and wait to see if this girl comes around, prove to her that I am the man I say I am, and that I want to build a future with her. Which ties into so many more things. The awkwardness when everyone comes together, or the missed invites that I wont get cause she will be there, or she wont show cause I am there. I don't want that either. It would cause me great pain to come in the middle of this family that my sister has built up here for herself.
Nothing but more questions fill my head, hundreds of reasons to stay, hundreds more to go. Don't want to seem like I am running away from it all, just not sure if it is worth it all anymore. A battle I feel that I have lost, and will continue to lose no matter how I approach it. I mean, I do feel like this is where I'm supposed to be, that I found what I was looking for, but at the same time, I feel as if I'm wasting precious time. My soul is in pain, my heart aches, the loneliness that I feel is sinking me deeper into a hole that is dark and cold. I am emotionally drained, and just so tired from it all.

Overwhelmed

Ive done all I could do, said all I could say, I tried to make this work, wanted to make this work. Apparently it wasn't going to if I'm the only one trying. Seems like I'm always the one trying to make stuff work. I was once told that I would die a lonely person, that love would never find me. I have tried to change that, thought if I changed my ways, became a better person, a better man, more forgiving, that things would turn around for me. I guess I just have to accept my fate, let go of my silly dreams of having a family, and growing old with one person. Seems like the biggest my family will ever get is one, my son. Didn't want him to be an only child, always dreamed of having my kids close in age, of them always being close, so when there mother and I are gone, they can always lean on each other for support.
I have been places, and seen things. Mostly pain and suffering of some form or another has surrounded me, it was okay, I endured, got stronger, more wiser, more patient, and more mature. The pain in my heart these days, the weight of it all, just has me questioning everything. I give 100% of me to everything that I feel is worth fighting for. Lately I feel I barely get 10% back. This is life, yea I get it, but what is real, and what seems to be real are two very different things. I get so caught up on dreaming, that whats real I no longer see, the lies allude me, they are covered with the mist of the dream and wants.
No longer will I just give myself to anybody, I can't do this any more; believe in the lies, get filled up with hope, then get smashed, and dropped like a bad habit without ever having done something wrong. I'm convinced that nice guys will always finish last. That women no longer want a guy to love them, to cherish them, that they just want to be fucked and left to their own ends. Everything is a head game, nobody is real any more, nobody tells how they really feel, that everybody has a mask on. They wear their mask so  well, that they don't know how to take it off any more, it was once a safety for them, but they let it take over, control them, have complete hold that they just can't let it go. Too afraid to show themselves when someone comes along and tries to show them a better life, the way they themselves first dreamed it before the pain, before they were crushed and hurt.
Some people get hurt so bad, they gave all their love away to the wrong person, that didnt value them, didnt cherish them, didnt treat them with respect, and just used them every which way a person could be used, that they don't know how to let go, they don't know how to move from that. Afraid to let someone in, even when that some one has truly fallen for them, cause they can see what is on the inside.
Fear is the worst feeling in the world. It is one emotion that stops us from doing and having so much in our lives. I try and be fearless everyday when I open my eyes, the word was try cause I have lots of fears, most of them stem from my dreams, and alot have to do with my son. But I try and hold it all together. Got the weight of the world on my shoulders, smile when I wanna scream, hide my tears in my pillow for there is no one to hold my hand, no one in which I can lean on. My soul becoming hard, giving up on the faith. Giving up on that dream I have had most my life.....

What to Do...

So, this new life that I have voyaged upon isn't as easy as I had thought it to be. Can't find work, loosing every way I turn, and for some reason it seems that all I fight for just gets farther away. I had a long discussion the other day with my ex-mother in-law, not only was it stressful, and depressing, and heart wrenching, but it actually made me cry. Turns out that it took her all these years to fall in-love with me, but it was just a little too late. Her mother tells me that she is dieing, that every time we talk on the phone, she dies a little faster; now she has been a part of my life for so many years, for the past ten years of my life she was there, the sad part is, that I loved her the moment I saw her; I told myself that I was going to save her from herself, give new meaning to her life, be there for her...after about eight years I realized that it wasn't possible. That no matter what I gave her, or did for her, she didn't care enough to live, she didn't care enough to take care of herself, not even for her son.
I'm not completely sure how I should feel about this, I still love her, but its not more then you love a sister, or a really close friend. Her mother blames me for the state of mind that her daughter is in. She says that the way I left was wrong, in reality it was over long before I walked out the door.  The definition of Insanity:" doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. " by Albert Einstein, is what I started to realize. I couldn't change her state of mind, I couldn't make her care about living, so why should I continue to fight for something if I'm the only one fighting for it? I walked cause I had to protect my son from the pain, from seeing his mom that way, I wanted him to remember the good days, to remember his mother when she was the most beautiful, not how she looks, or acts now. Her mother says that she is so broken, so lost that she no longer is capable of taking care of herself. This truly saddens me to the core, I had hoped that she would have gotten stronger from this, gotten better, proved to herself that she is everything I tell all women, that they are strong, powerful, and smart.
As she gets sicker, my only regret was that maybe I should have tried to stay by her longer, after all I didn't leave her cause she was sick, I left her because of everything  she did, and everything she didn't do. She didn't hold up her end of the deal, she wasn't a good parent to our son, she wasn't loyal to me, as I always was to her, she didn't do the things that all spouse do when they are a home maker.  I just pray for her to be at peace, for her to know that I have forgiven her for all that she has done wrong, including crush the dreams of mine and our sons by cutting her life short, and most of all, I pray for her strength to carry on with her life.
I'm not saying I'm perfect, I have made my mistakes in life and relationship, many I will not ever repeat again. I just wish the answers were before me, that the light will shine down on what it is I'm supposed to do. 
Right now I have this beautiful girl, one that I had my eye on almost ten years ago when I met her, never thought in a million years I would be able to call her mine, never expected to be divorced either; yet here I am. The only problem is, she has been destroyed, hurt, dragged so low, and been on her own for so long, because she is so guarded. Turns out while I was crushing her, she might have been doing the same. I think about her all the time, but I'm not sure she is as into it as I am, she lets her fears take over, hold her back. I'm so afraid to express my deepest feelings to her, so afraid to get hurt myself, but I feel that if I don't then it maybe too late when I feel strong enough. I just don't know how to break down her walls, I'm trying to be patient, take it at her pace, but some days she is running full speed, then some days its like she climbed in her shell and I can't get her out for nothing in the world.
She makes me feel like I have wings on, that I can take on the world when she's near me, I get so sleepy, so comfortable in her arms. She soothes me with her simplest touch, the storm in my head subsides, and I feel total peace and bliss. The more I'm around her the more lost I get, the more she takes my breath away, but its like a roller coaster with her moods, and mixed signals, and how she goes back and forth with what is and what could be. One day shes all on me and cuddling, the next nothing; not a word, call or text, seriously what the hell am I supposed to do? Then through in my damn mouth, and my imagination, and it spells disaster when I was reading to do deep between lines that don't exist...aaaahhhh

This New Life

Well, it appears that this "new life" that I came out here to start is growing stagnant. Feelings of depression and worthlessness are starting to set in. I no longer feel useful anymore, there is no jets to fix, no launches, no problems to solve, no maintenance to perform, no watches, or duty days. My days consist of making phone calls, filling out job applications, and sending emails. Nothing new, these four walls are all I see, these four walls know me well. Everything I had planned faltered when I got here, jobs weren't there, shorty wasn't in play, and now I miss my son terribly; he is down in Miami with his mother, it sucks being away from him.
The only positives that I have right now and am thankful for, is the roof over my head; provided by my sister, and this chic. But even still I don't belong here, I don't always feel welcome here, feel like the outcast family member that is just here cause someone invited by mistake. Then....the chick, that I don't even know what I am too her, a cuddle buddy, a friend; she says she's my girl, but I guess that doesn't mean that I'm her man, she keeps her distance, seems to call or text only when I cross her mind. I don't blame her, I mean seriously, who am I fooling, I got no job, and nothing to offer her, except myself; and shes been down a painful road herself. Maybe its my fatal flaw, attract the broken hearted, give them strength to move forward and leave me behind. Since shes just so damn beautiful to me, that even though I feel like less of her man, I guess I can stick around for awhile, see where it will eventually go, just keep my own guards up. I do give her mad props though; cause she got her own; by herself, and takes very good care of her little boy; who is just so damn adorable!!!
Either way, I think my fuel is running out, I have climbed the walls and have gotten no where. As of now, I have done close to 60 applications in multiple fields, in over 50 different companies. My mind can't even keep up with it, and my body has grown tired of it. As each day passes I find myself wanting to sleep longer and longer, forcing myself to rise out the bed. I spoke with a VA counselor, and these feelings that I have are normal for a veteran, but I just need a job to start feeling better about stuff. I'm afraid that by the time I get one, that maybe I would have sunken to deep to pull myself out of the hole. I'm not a huge fan on counseling, but I don't want to be that guy that has to go and have 30 minute sessions to try and fix the state of mind that I have grown into.
I try and remind myself of where I have been, how worse of places and situations that I have been in. Remind myself of the bridge I slept under, the food I would try and get from the restaurants and fast food joints. These things both empower me, and sadden me. They give me strength cause I have pulled through, they sadden me, cause I feel that I'm not that much off from it again.
Who knows, maybe it will turn around soon for me, maybe I will get out of this hole, and be able to keep my promise to my son when I told him that he will have his own when he returns from his moms. I have six weeks before he comes back, and I have to have that done, for him more then anything else.

Getting Started

I woke up yesterday with the sole purpose of not waking up, got my son ready for school and out the door, then I did nothing more. Crawled back in the bed and was like forget it. Had no intentions of doing anything except staying there. I woke periodically to check the phone for missed calls and texts, but other then that I didn't leave the bed. Just felt so down, so alone, so depressed and out of it. My sister and all the kids had left in the morning, leaving me in an empty house, feeling empty already.
At about noon I missed a call from one of the jobs that I interviewed for, stating that they will be going out to lunch and to call them back after one. I was in between on how I felt, wasn't sure if I had left that much of an impression on them, plus it wasn't exactly in my field of expertise. So I decided to say screw it and stayed in bed for another hour, didn't get a hold of the guy until about 1400, he was so excited to have me on the phone and make me an offer.
I was like sure, apparently my well written resume, and my manner of speaking, and how passionate I am about the things I do in all aspects of my life had set well with them, had left quite and impression after all. So I got the job!!!
I may not have had the start that I was hoping for when I came to Texas, thought when I came here I would have the shorty I had been dreaming about, and find a job quickly, followed shortly there after a house. So I got the job rather quickly, lost the chick to some uncontrollable force out there; which means I will get going, just at a slower pace. Got half of what I hoped for; wouldn't say I have lost it all, just more like had things misplaced from me.
I do miss her terribly, she fit me perfectly, even with her cute temper tantrums, and her freak out overwhelmed moments. She had become like my best friend, and a lover, even my son adopted her as his own, now somehow she's neither; friend,lover, or adopted mother; in the blink of an eye, shes gone; leaving me with unanswered questions, and a bad taste in my mouth when her name comes to mind. It was like having a wrench thrown in on all my plans, thankfully that is my life story so after a day in bed, I managed to crawl out somewhat, still a little sore from it though, but hell life goes on, after the pain, after the rain, what happens happens, and there is a reason for it all I'm sure. Guess maybe one of us, or both of us needed to learn some kind of lesson, time will tell.

Just to know that I got the job has given me so much hope, has made my weekend that much better, mainly because just as I will start to struggle, I will be bringing in my first pay check, an not ever miss a beat with any of my bills.
I'm a survivor, have been through enough shit in my life as it is, and I'm sure there is much more to come. No matter what, my son will have the best of everything he needs and wants. The kind of life that I have planned for him is the kind of life I dreamed of as a kid myself. It is going to be hard, going to be challenging, but with a strong pertinacious desire to achieve and with the lords blessing, then in time I'm sure all will fall in place, if not now then later, when the time is right; the puzzle will come together and the light will shine brighter then ever to let me know that I can relax that all is well. Until that day comes, I will never tire, never rest, never lose hope, or strength, and nothing could ever hold me back from it, not sickness, or fear; always be on the grind for it.

Getting Up



New paths, less traveled!!!

 Well it has been a few days since I last posted about anything, been super busy doing interviews for work; some promising things, turned down a few jobs for either location or too much travel required. I had another focus, one that I felt deeply for at the same time, but now I find myself picking up the pieces and trying to find my way with alot of unanswered questions and too many decisions.
I think I'm just going to except the next thing that gets tossed in my direction, weather it is out on a rig, or working at a smelting plant. Just a step, another short chapter in my life. My soul focus right now is to get situated for my son when the summer ends I want him to come to a house, a home of our own. No apartments, no condos, and no efficiency. But a house that will be our home, just me and him.
I realized that my biggest mistake at the moment was focusing too much on everything, especially when it came to dating, was to jump on the first thing that seemed right, the one that was perfect with my son, made me happy, and made it look like it would be; with her dreams and thoughts of the future. I guess I just tried to replace my sons mom too quickly, shorty wasn't ready to be committed to some one, no matter what she had said before.
IN the end when it comes down to it, the only thing I really should be focusing on is getting situated in life, and getting things set for my son on his return. I can't do everything at the same time, I can't make it all work together the way I would like it to. More importantly I think I was just afraid of being alone, of going through this restart by myself, to not have someone special in my life that I could confide in or spend my spare time with when I'm not working.
I think that now I have an understanding, a clearer picture as to the process of what needs to be done, and how I want to get it and the work that I have to put in it, I will be fine, the pieces to my puzzle have fallen in place and my view is no longer blinded.
I will say this that ignorance is bliss, and when something’s come out to light and show themselves for their true colors, the pain is real, and it cuts deep. Look-in at the world with my eyes wide open. Came to Texas to start over, to have that life you see on TV, the life we all dream of from time to time. While I pick up the pieces of it all, and put it together, I will have that, just have to take a step back again.
Nice and slow is how I roll. Job status is on lock, more interviews, and a second by the end of this week that is 15 job interviews, for over 30 positions, between Dallas and Houston; can't go wrong with that. Something will give, I will eventually come out on top; got to, have to.

Love and Life

Why is it in life that we choose to love the ones that hurt us the most and act like the ones that love us the most and are there for us don’t exist? We all have choices in life; but in the end who’s gonna be there for us if we push those that hold us the diarist away from us? I’m not perfect, I have broken hearts and have had my heart broken more times than not. That’s because I’m passionate about everything that I do, and I mean everything I say when it comes to love. For those that I hold above the others, there is no limit to the things that I wouldn’t do for their happiness. They say that all is fair in the game of love and war. But really what’s the point All it causes is more pain, more heart ache, and more drama. Since my divorce I decided that I was going to avoid drama like the plague, with the understanding that in life sometimes a little drama is required. All I want is to start moving forward in life, start living my dreams. There was this moment that I thought that I may have that someone, that person that was going to be there. Turned out that her so called “dreams” that she had were just short phases in her life, just thoughts with no intent to commit to them. Might possibly have been a complete waste of time and energy for me, or more like a lesson learned. At the same time it just adds more crap onto the next one when she says everything that the last one said. How do you believe that the image you and someone share are one in the same? In reality you don’t, you just have to wait, hope for the best, and possibly waste precious time, and see where it goes. For real though, why lie about what you want in life and where you want to go, or where you see yourself in X amount of years; telling about dreams that you have for the future? Gives the false sense of what could be and where it is going. They say that people are only as good as their actions, cause their actions define them. Where does that leave me? I try and be a good man, and try to do the right things be everyone around me, yet somehow I keep coming up short. Then to top it all off, I hold my feelings inside unless it is real important to me. These days I feel as if it doesn’t matter. In the end only the lord can judge me, and that I try my best every day to be a good person, a good friend, a good father, a good brother, and I try my hardest to be a good lover. Truth be told you can’t force someone to love you, even if they say that they do, it will never be the same as the love that you have for them. They will always feel pressured into being with you in some way shape or form. Even when you hold them above others, cause you believe that it was a god send that they are in your life. When I met this girl that I have mentioned, I was starting to not really care about anything anymore, I had reached a point to where it seemed like there was just no point in living. During our time together she had to work at everything, work for me to love her, work for my trust. Truth was is that I loved her from the beginning, I was just afraid to express it so soon. Then there was this storm, I was too far away to fix anything, and things changed. Now I’m so close and we started to fix things, and then it ended as soon as it sparked, I still feel for her, I’m just angry that I feel no closer, no answers to the questions that I have, the whys, and how comes. As if I had done something wrong, as if I had created a problem for her, it was one minute talks of the future, and almost in a blink of an eye she was gone again. The sad part is, I truly wanted to be with her, to do all these things with her that she and I dream about, and would have done anything to keep her happy. What can I do though, other than to try and recover, move on with my life? Friends she wants to stay with me, but I’m not sure I will make a good friend, considering how she has me feeling about not being able to give me any answers. She hasn’t said a word as to what happened, almost as if what we had didn’t matter, feeling like I was a rebound or something. Live and learn, never again will I be a fool to fall in love with someone who is unsure about where they want to be, or where they want to go. I do thank her though, she has shown me things, given me some experiences, and reawakened me spirit, even though it is slightly damaged as of now. Desperately trying not to put back up my walls and become heartless and cruel to her. I don’t blame her so much, she was damaged when I found her, one of the reasons I fell so deeply for her. If only she understood what it is that I wanted for us. Basically as far as I’m concerned and feeling in this chapter of my life, is that I need zero amount of no family, blood related peoples in my life. From here on out it isn’t going to be about what I can do to make anybody happy any more. I’m going to be doing me, and they are going to have to sell themselves, no longer will I give myself to any woman that don’t want nothing more than for me to hit it. Fine you don’t want love; then call it by what it is, “SEX”, a one night stand, abuse of that word these days just sickens me. I know that it is human nature to want to be loved, to want to feel cherished and needed, but why bullshit about it. People don’t know what love is, they talk like they do, but they really don’t, cause all they do is just say it to help get them what they want. Handing out false hope like it’s candy. Is any of the sexes even faithful these days? I see it all the time, everywhere I go, married women hitting on me, hiding their rigs and shit. When I say hitting on me, I mean like “Here’s my number…give me a call so we can kick it…” You married ass lil girl, why in the hell are you biting your lips at me, and handing me your number? Do you not have someone that loves you at home? If he’s not right then move on, or teach him to be better to you, community dildo is not the stage in life that I’m at, a smash here and there no problem, forget the rest. Then we got the guys that go around giving good guys like me a bad name, hollering at everything that looks good in some jeans, while nine times out of ten they have the perfect dream wife at home. So sad how we have gone these days, couples would rather move on then fix the problem, marriages dissolving quicker then they started, and spouses cheating. I don’t think that I will ever remarry again, I mean I try not to say ever, or never, cause that’s when they happen more often is when those words are used. I mean someday maybe I would like too, but I’m sure it isn’t before I hit thirty, and it isn’t going to be some quick courtship either, be some long term engagement. Hell the female population is trying to make it more of a contract any ways so, what would be the hurry? How do you trust when you have been hurt so much? Not sure I even like the idea of dating again, it’s like this circle of headaches just to try and prove that you’re a good person.

Walking and Watching

As I walked through the city streets of Houston, watching the people as they come and go. The mothers kissing their children good bye for school, husbands kissing the wife off as she drops him off at work, the young kids running around at the park while the mothers pile around, and the expecting couple laughing and sitting there on a blanket as the soon to be father rubs and kisses her belly saying silly things to make her laugh while she glows with life. All of them just so damn happy, no matter what had been going on, or what their stresses were, at that very moment, that instant they were just so freaken happy and care free.
I couldn't help but to dream, couldn't help but to envy some of these people, and pray and bless them as they passed by for what they have. I realized at that moment that it was all I cared for, if I could just press fast-forward and get to that chapter in my life where all that is combined. Where everything made sense, where it all came together, where I had that wife, where I had that kid/s, a place where we were together.
I look at my son, wishing I could give him more then what he has, he deserves so much more then I can give him at this point right now. I realized these past couple of days when I had a talk with him, that I may be a little stern with him, that  he needs a more tender hand to guide him then I'm currently capable of. In the next couple of weeks I realize it is going to get harder, I mean it has to get harder before it could get better. The sacrifices that I will have to make to get ahead, the things that I must do for my son to have a better future, there isn't anything in the world that I wouldn't do to secure a better life for him. Sometimes I lay here and watch him while he sleeps, watch him smile in his sleep, knowing that he his dreaming of fun things warms me, gives me hope that I can save him, before any damage is done.
I can relate to the movie The Pursuit of Happiness so much. The true life story of Chris Gardner is an amazing one, I read a little of his autobiography and it is quiet a story. Recommend any one who is feeling down and out to read it, the inspiration that comes from this mans story is without fathom. The things he went through that is portrayed in the movie isn't even everything he has been through. His sole purpose in life now is to show that your past has no bearing on your future, and that no matter what it is that you are going through in life, that there is no reason for you to give up on your hopes and dreams.
I guess, no matter what gets thrown at me over the next few months, that there is nothing thats going to keep me from succeeding in my mission to provide my son a better life. For like our own line is to inspire each other and give each other hope and lift our spirits is, "Just me and you against the world" Those seven little words always seems to brighten up his moment, brings light to his eyes. With that, I know I will succeed. All I ever really need is my son and the lord, everything else is minor in comparison, and will fall in place as needed.

Life

Today was a really long a horrid day. All I kept wanting was to close my eyes and it would be a whole new day, a new fresh start. If I could start any day over, today would be at the top of my list. I got woken up in the most horrible way, my sister yelling at me to get up and get my son ready for school. Now everybody knows that there are just certain ways not to wake somebody up, we are all different but the principles on waking someone are more or less the same. She says that I blew off the hing and slammed the door, my thing is, usually I don't remember the first few minutes of being awake, I have been told that I have had entire conversations in my sleep, I don't remember a thing. I must be one of those people that will tell you my deepest thoughts if you ask me while I'm sleeping, and I wont ever remember.
Either way, she goes on to post crap about me on Facebook like some dang child, and before you know it she says she wants me out. Before she even told me she wanted me out I didn't even know that I had done something wrong in the first place. I had no idea why she was so pissed off with me, I tried communicating with her, all I got was nothing back in return. I love my sister, and I had really hopped to rekindle that childhood bond that we had, and allow our children to share in on that, guess that is out of the question.
Brings me to my next set of problems, because I am the way I am, if someone says to me that they are done with me, then they are dead to me. I have been through hell and back more times then I actually care to count. IF you don't want to be apart of my life, then I don't need you. If you offer me help, and then it suddenly becomes an inconvenience for you, then don't bother. Once I leave though, you can forget about anything ever happening again. What my family has done to me in the past is why I have spent so many years without them, felt as if I didn't need nor care to have them around. I tried to be that guy to pull it together, forget the past, but I guess the past was worth remembering, and the past is where my family can stay, as a memory of what was and never will be.
With all that being said, my sister was supposed to, and volunteered to help with my son so I can get back on my feet. Meaning watch him and stuff like that so I can do job interviews and such. She started giving me a ration of crap last week about something I told her about two weeks before, and that was that she was going to have my son Saturday afternoon, until Tuesday when I came back from Dallas doing my interviews. Suddenly because she got the dates mixed up, I'm lying about it. How fair is that? So now because she wants me to leave, and I now have interviews for Friday also, so my only option is to send my son to my mothers house in Miami. I'm quickly running out of cash and now I have to fork over something like 800 dollars for plane tickets to fly my eight year old somewhere, while I go to stay in the shelter up in Dallas.
Finally the one to top it all off, the final heart ache and pain of the day, cause punishing me by making me lose my son wasn't enough but the chick, the sole reason that I even give a damn about half the shit, of course under my son, has been playing the I'm confused game. I think she is just scared, scared to let go, scared to allow herself to be caught up in a dream, scared to allow herself to dream. For an instant, for a moment when she does, man its so beautiful, so innocent and real and attainable. Then she starts questioning it, remembering her past fails, and finding all the faults that don't exist on why this can't be what it is.
I don't even know what to do or think any more. The sad, desperate man at the end of his ropes, is what I have become. Pulling my hair out, not being able to sleep worse then usual, hardly eating, food makes me feel sicker when I do eat then when I don't. This past week has been torcher, and apparently the storm has really just begun. It is so true, cause even more so to add to the dilemma is I finally get a hold of my sons mother to update her on the situation that I am currently in, and she is okay with it, but my ex-mother-in-law had to go and stir up all kinds of shit and push me right back over the edge. Had the freaken gypsy clan jump down my throat about sending my son over to his grandmothers house, and how she is so much freaken better, and blah blah blah. Tell you what, if I have to go down there to get my son, there is going to be hell to pay. This women has no right to intervene with me and his mothers agreements, no say in where he will stay or anything. Yet I had to get a bigger head ache, go through more pain, and deal with her mouth, and her digging up the past, and her calling me names, blaming me for her daughters down fall.
This storm has got to give, I feel like I'm going insane. Seriously about to just call it quits on everything. Moving somewhere that I have nothing, no family, no friends, just false dreams and hopes was probably a bad idea, maybe I should just take what I have and head home, go back to the place where I came from, where I have friends, and work, and people that give a damn weather or not I'm breathing, people that miss me now, and will miss me if they don't see me for a day. Tried to quit smoking, yea right shit lasted a whole week, and everything started going south for me again, can't even do that right. When will this hand that's got a hold of me just let go, I feel like this ant, where some evil little boy keeps burning my feelers as I try and find my way!!!!!

A Talk With Grandma

I called to tell my grandmother happy mothers day, and some how the conversation got deep. She asked me how I was doing, and what have I been up to. I told her that I was okay, and that I was playing the waiting game with everything that I'm working on. Then she commenced to tell me about how some things takes time and that I need to be patient and that I should turn to God. She explained to me that everything that happens comes from God, that all that I have been through is cause God is trying to show me something. So I started to tell her how I felt about that. The way I feel sometimes is that I'm being punished, like every time I get to the top of the ladder, I slip fall, and land on my ass. Boy did that open up a can of worms.
That's when she decided to tell me that it isn't punishment, but a test, that he is all forgiving, and that the reason that I am falling isn't because I'm a bad person, but because I have been trying to get to the top of the ladder the wrong way, that's why I can't get to the top of it. She's right in away, she wants me to involve the lord in my life more often.
To give me strength in my predicament she told me a life story that I hadn't heard before. She told me how she had one of my aunts, and how she was 14 going on 15, and that she was alone. She had no siblings to help her or nothing. She lived in a furnished room in New York, and back in those times she said that they still used to put the milk and bread and cheese out by the street, so what she would do for both food and money was to go and take a few of the products and sell it to the people in the building. Early in the morning while my aunt slept she would head out to collect what she needed to survive, by doing that she was able to provide for my aunt, including diapers, and milk.
The things my grandmother went through and the story she told me, on how she used to get on her hands and knees and scrub tile, or carpet; how she had to clean furnished rooms for a few dollars a day. Most importantly on how she did it all as a single parent. Raised my aunt and eventually had more children who all turned out to be productive adults with children of their own.
The point being that mothers are strong, mothers will go through any length to take care of their children and make them into something. The sacrifices that they make are beyond anything imaginable. I whine about my situation, my grandmother hollered at me for it, telling me that I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, telling me that I need to stop beating myself up for all that has happened.
I totally get why she told me her story. I suppose I needed to hear it, it strengthened me on multiple levels. I mean I know what it is that I have to do, but sometimes it just seems too far. Guess you can say I was getting discouraged and starting to doubt myself. Cause when I think about it, there is a lot for me to do and worry about. I have so much to worry on when it comes to my son, child care, schooling, and what kind of job I'm going to have that is going to be understanding that I'm a single father with a child that I have to be home certain times and that most weekends I won't be able to work. Being that most of my well payed jobs are in Dallas, that means I won't have my sister to help me with babysitting that easily.
After talking to grandma, I feel a little better. I even feel more for the single mothers that are out there doing their thing, for their kids.

The Pains of Waiting

Seems like I'm stuck in the abyss of waiting. Everything is waiting, waiting for the VA, waiting for job interviews, waiting for summer, waiting for this chick that I love to come around. I mean wow, do I really have to wait for everything? Can something, maybe just happen a little quicker for me. The jobs are kinda blah, waiting to sit in on the interviews and see whats in store for me. The single issue with the jobs are the distance for the ones that are worth having, either my sister helps me out just a little bit, or I won't be able to do it. Of course the original plan was that I had some support here with this beautiful girl in Dallas,but  that's not quiet in place any more. I just can't give up on the things I want.
Shorty has been through some things, distrust in men, things like that; I get it. But how long can I hold on to this dream with her, how long before I just say screw it? I don't want to let her go, but maybe I should, don't feel like I'm on her list of things to do. Besides, she will never see me for who I'am, what I'm about, or how I see her. I don't feel like it's a complete waste of time to wait for her, cause it isn't, she is worth waiting for, if only she knew that. We share the same thoughts and meanings, same hopes and dreams, but for the moment she seems lost. Like she is punishing herself for something. I can't help her cause she won't let me fully in, and when I'm with her it's like heaven is shinning down on us. I can't read her mind to know all that she wants, she talks about us when I'm with her, our future, family; everything is with an "us" in it; yet we haven't made a step forward, we are just in limbo.

Feels like I'm on this roller coaster, full of these momentary thrills, then some flat spots, and then I start to climb the hill for the next thrill, but then the ride gets stuck at the top, slides back a few notches, then nothing more. Somebody better call the fire department and rescue me cause I'm really getting bored with sitting on this ride.
Next week I will be doing interviews with some top notch companies. Kinda nervous about it, haven't done a job interview in like five years. I got great marketable skills according to the recruiting agency that I'm going with. I already have a job offer that I will be getting more details from on Monday, it would be doing aircraft structural work out in Dallas; same thing I did in the military, that's about as much info as I have on that. Afraid to accept it before I attend the major job fair the following Monday, and yet at the same time I'm afraid to lose it.
I believe that if I just keep up my plans, and keep doing what it is that I said I would that she will see that I stick to what I say, that I mean what I say. Told her I would be in Texas, I did it, told her I would be getting hot and heavy on jobs, I have been, next step is to actually accept a job, and keep doing what it is that I told her that I would be doing, such as buying a house in the country, somewhere between her people and mine. I really don't like living in the city anymore, spent a long time trying to get out of Miami, now I feel as if I have traded one Miami for the other, Houston is just one spread out Miami without the beach. I want to live close enough to visit, and nothing more, don't like the traffic, or the crime.

The Storm

As the storm rages on outside my window, where the usual pitter-patter of the rain would put me to sleep like a lullaby, tonight it feels like an omen. This is the first storm I am to witness here in Houston. As the rain falls down like sheets, the sky isn't visible, and the lightning is bright. The storm I feel is a sign of the storm to come in my own personal life, full of decisions that I must make, do I stay, do I go? The storm that rages in my heart for the things I want, the things I need. Tonight feels different, this storm has changed its meaning, changed the way I see it, the way I feel it.
Most nights when I lay awake, staring at the shadows on the walls; hoping for it to rain, to wash the dirt away, wash the pain away, and allow the sun to shine just that much brighter the next day. Tonight I can't sleep even more so then last. Last night was a play on my thoughts and the fact that we had no AC, 90 degrees in the house is no way for me to sleep. Tonight it is just my feelings. The rain no longer away of seeking peace tonight it is just a bother, bringing me lower then I already felt.
I tried to lift my spirits up today, I did what some people do when they are feeling down and out, I went out and bought myself some nice things, clothes and jewelery. I realized that it was wrong, but it made me feel just so good, if even for a moment. Knowing that I should be saving it as much as possible being that I'm currently unemployed and losing my mind over that fact already. All the work that I want is far from where I live, bring me to another problem.
The thunder that wakes the house, stirs my spirit, making me feel alive, and the lightning making the things in my room dance and glow, and the storm rages on within and without. For tonight outside seems to be the same as it is within, deep in my soul and heart that's filled with turmoil and pain. Like the seas during a storm, I feel as if I were going to drown tonight, in my bed, wrapped tight in the covers with my son snuggled up next to me for his own comfort and fear of the thunder and lightning.  The sea of feelings, and false hope, like a ship being tossed around with the crew realizing just how small and insignificant they are to mother natures fury.

I must remind myself, that although the storm outside my window, feels the same as the one within me; they are not, and that when the storm is over outside it will lead to a brighter day, it will lead me to a new way, and that my paths will have been washed for me to travel on, making it that much easier for me to find the ways that the lord may be possibly trying to tell me to go. After every dark night there is a brighter day, eventual it all stops hurting, eventually with time it all heals, and then we move on, we adapt and move forward. For if we sit too long dwelling on things, then we may miss all that is before us, all that is standing there waiting for us to accept and take it with open arms. Sometimes the pain of the past overshadows our future and doesn't allow us to see it, even when the lights are shining on it.
So I will be here, waiting for the moment, waiting for a yes or a no, waiting for those arms to embrace me, to love me, to show me the ways and the things that I have been missing, for I wasn't seeing all that I was supposed to see. I have to accept love as it comes, find no faults in it, and allow it to grow.

Wonderful Weekend

This weekend was just one of those weekends that you just wish to have over and over again. Spent the entire weekend completely worry free with what I hope to be my future wifey. We went so many places and did so many things, I just had a blast. My son who is just as attached to my girl as I am, had the time of his life also, we wore him out everyday, between trips to the park, movies, mall, and eating at all these new and different places. My girl Holly asked me if I wanted to come up this weekend, that's when I decided to work on my master plan of fun!!!!

The whole weekend, no TV, no phones, no computers; nothing but the three of us Holly, Isaac, and me. I couldn't have asked for a better three and a half days. I think I lost my breath a thousand times when ever I saw her with my son, saw the smile on his face, the glow on hers, her eyes shinning bright with happiness. Just made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

The whole weekend was just paradise, which I'm sure I have already said that; never thought that I could have so much fun, and feel so much at ease. My sole worry was, that I wouldn't be able to do it again, that this weekend was our first and last together. I mean wow, we hadn't seen each other in like six months, and things had happened between us to where we didn't even talk for I believe something like two months...but when we saw each other, it was like nothing else even mattered, at least it was for me; almost like we hadn't missed a beat in our lives. Hadn't realized how much I truly had come to miss her till I saw her.

My next fear would be to allow her into my world again and then I get burned. I mean should I allow her to be as important to me as I made her last time, to where my day was dependent on how she was doing? Not this time, I have to play it safe, and what about my little buddy? He is either the glue to build us into ONE, or he could be the one to bring it crashing down. Yea she knew him before she knew me, funny how that worked, she says she just loves and adores him, but with my little dudes ADHD it makes it hard. He has some really bad days, and can be a real pull your hair out headache. Not many people can deal with him when he gets that bad. Some just avoid him all the way around, like my friend back in VA, his wife understood, but he on the other hand had no patience, and avoided my son because of his problem. Either way, my son will always come first and foremost before anyone or anything else.

The only thing that could have made this weekend better, would be to know that I was going to do it again, and more often. For I don't know where it all goes, and I totally let everything go, I didn't even think of all the things that could go wrong with anything, like I normally do; I just went with the flow of it all. Only time will tell where we go, and only time will tell if she will be around longer, and till the end as I hope for. All I can do is maintain, and pray that all goes the way that I have been praying for it to go, and hold my head high and just keep moving forward.

The Trip

Well on April 21,2012 I started my journey. Got the truck and the trailer at 1030, which actually was supposed to be at 0930, but of course there had to be a delay, such as the truck place not being ready, thanks for the discount!!!! After running around all day, I was able to start loading it at about 1630. So from 1630 till about 0330 I was packing the truck, spent another hour or two packing the cab with some necessities and grabbing whatever was lying around into a miscellaneous box. After a five hour nap, got little dude ready and we were on the road by 1030. For a little bit I seriously was doubting me getting out of Virginia, wit all the delays; I forgot to mention what a pain it was to put my car on the trailer!!! Ugh, I had to take apart the hooks on the trailer chains just to be able to get it hooked up. The stock hooks were to small to hook on to my tow points on the car.

So the route that I took was more or less trouble free. My whole trip I intended to take my time and get to Houston by like Tuesday night, but I kicked it up to high gear and made it to my sisters house Tuesday morning. Sometime about Monday afternoon, just out side Montgomery, Alabama I found trouble. See, in all my travels, I have always, and I mean always broke down in Georgia. So imagine my excitement when I made it through that state with no issues. My excitement didn't last long. I made it 170 miles from Atlanta, GA before some body pulled up beside my to tell me something was wrong with the trailer. Just a few moments before somebody hit the horn and pointed back; I had hit a bump and the trailer felt a little loose. Now I really couldn't see anything wrong, and after it broke loose she went right back straight, no wobbles, or bouncing between the lanes. So I figured it was just the road; but after dude pointed back, I already knew what it was, pulled over on I-85 exit 4, and there it was the starboard, aft tire was gone. I was parked for two an a half hours between a tire change and a dead battery. Tell me why the tire guy didn't have jumper cables. What kind of roadside service truck doesn't have jumper cables?!?! So I spent another hour waiting for a jump, from a different company on contract with the truck rental company!!!!

So with all that being said, I just decided it just as well for me to just keep rolling, forget all the side tracks and extra stops. Total actual drive time was 30 hours, that's how long it took to drive this two and a half tons of crap from VA to Houston, the truck had a 4.6 liter Vortec engine, thought it was going to die with some of the hills that I had to go up, down was great, a few times I reached 75, yea stupid I know, but it happened, cause I knew for a fact that the next hill I was going to be lucky to make it to the top at 50 mph; most of the hills I went up had the engine screaming, in low gear and going as slow as 40 mph. Thought I was going to blow the dang engine.

I made it to my sisters house at 0630 April 23,2012, felt wild, crazy, felt energized, felt exhausted, relieved all at the same time. Wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel, found out what traffic is like out on the 59...five lanes and grid lock traffic for absolutely no reason, not an accident, not a car pulled over...nothing. Thought for a minute that I had accidentally driven to Miami!!!! After being here for a few days I think I'm kinda getting the layout down of the city, thankfully it is built on a grid, unlike the place where I came from, you would have to drive in circles to get anywhere. What is confusing to me this far is the way that the freeways are built, they have like a service road that runs next to the freeways, and then they have some kind of express pre-payed toll system that also runs down certain roads with out lights and a few exits.

Day Dreaming

I find myself day dreaming about things to come. This new life that I'm to start, in a new place, in a new job. Nervous but ready for it, ready for that change, ready for that chance to get started on something real, something big. There isn't nothing to really hold me back except self doubt. For all the dreams that I have, all the hopes and dreams, as long as I keep them alive, there is no reason for me to not be able to make it. My biggest worry is and still will always be taking care of my sons needs, and I don't just mean material, I mean with all his abandonment issues, and his self blame of the split, which is natural for a child at his age.

I have day dreams, not of glamor and everything that shines and glistens, not of cars, not of huge houses, those things aren't important to me...

But dreams of family, dreams of peace, of more children, of a wife that loves me as much as I love her. But a life of family and of children, to grow old with one person; now that would be a dream come true for me. That would truly be a life worth living and fighting for.

Being that I have had and lost, then I suppose when the time is right for me, when my career is going well, when I have that house I want, and hopefully when my son isn't to old; then I will be blessed. For now all I can do is dream.

Pursuit of Happiness

As these days pass form one to the next I try and remind myself what this country is based on, what principles have built it into what it is. I can't think of a more better passage from the Declaration of Independence then: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It says it plane as day, right there on a document that our founding fathers saw fit to put in there some 236 years ago. The very thing that thousands of people come to this country for. If it is written then it should be, why is it so hard to achieve sometimes. Why is it that some of us struggle, day in and day out and never really make it anywhere? Never fully reach or even be allowed to chase our own purist of happiness.

I used to think that happiness was a thing that was earned, earned from hard work, earned from sacrifices made to survive, and earned from those that you love. These days it just seems like the harder I work at things, the farther they get from me, always with-in my grasp, just never able to hold it. I'm sure that I'm not the only one that feels this way. From here on out there is nothing but up for me, my career is in my hands now, my education is in my hands now, there is no one controlling my life from here on out but me.

That's why I propose to never except a NO from here on out, never sit back and wait for an opportunity on things, but instead to make those opportunities happen. For I truly believe that luck favors not the fortunate, but those that are prepared, those that are looking at the world as they play ground, not as an enemy. Looking at a struggle as what it is, a learning lesson. I was once told, "To go out in a day and learn nothing, is to have wasted a day." We need to go out into the world every single day and look at what is before us, look for every opportunity to better ourselves in some way. It could be so simple as reading a blog about stress, or watching how someone does something different, or taking a course on a way to better yourself at your job to get that promotion. Being proactive in your life!!!

This can be applied to all aspects of life, children, marriage, work, and self. So maybe the pursuit of happiness isn't so much as what we have, but maybe what it is. Life is full of fears,"If I ask for a raise, will I get fired, should I shoot for that new position, if I try this, will I get this result..." and on and on. The way that I see it is, that the greatest risk in life is never taking any risks, people let their fears wall them in, to afraid to jump at something cause it might fail in the end. The point is, you never really know until you try. Like Thomas Edison said when asked about failure in creating the light build, he said "I have not failed, not once, I have just discovered a thousand ways that won't work." he also goes on to state that he is not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward. Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

I could go on and on about Thomas Edison, for he makes many good points on life, perseverance, and persistence. In fact we can look at all the great men and women before our time and see that just by them not giving up, not excepting failure, and not listening to others; that we wouldn't have half the stuff we have today. The most important thing to get out of this is to not allow oneself to feel less of a person, and to always chase your dreams, chase what you want in life, for it's short. Everybody dies, but not many people get to live, it's your life, live it how you want to, and push yourself to always do better. Improve on one thing about yourself everyday, everything else will fall into place.

Always remember, after every dark night, there's a bright day; after every mistake there's a chance to learn and fix it; if you should fall, pick yourself up and try again.

Almost Ready

So the day has finally arrived, I'm officially on what is called "terminal leave"; which basically states that I no longer will be reporting to anybody, and I no longer need to return to my duty station. This is something that is odd for me, for I'm both excited and I have this feeling of being lost. For the past four years all I did was roger up, muster, stand watches, and muster with someone. Now the only people I have to answer to is my son and myself. Not that I'm complaining, it's just that I have it in my blood that way, I was trained as such. My father would like to call that "being a victim of the US military", I just see it as routine that has been instilled in us for us to always be on the ready.

Now I think the hardest part about all of this is, watching this place fade out in my rear-view. Where I pretty much have spent the past four years fade out, I really wasn't happy here, but for the most part, it's all I know. Some good friends are here, some nice places, hell I lived five miles from the beach, and just because it isn't Miami Beach, I can honestly say that I only visited it three times, and twice it was at night. One of those nights was a really great night, I would post a picture but if she ever read this she would be pist that the world got to see how beautiful she is, cause according to her she's not. Sad, but that's neither here nor there.

View Larger Map

I'm going to take my time on this drive coming up, it is like 1407 miles, and 22hrs, my son and I are totally going to take a few to get where we are going, stop off at a few places, and check the scenes at places like Atlanta, and New Orleans. Maybe I will take the slightly longer road out and hit up Knoxville, Tennessee. Who knows, my little navigator is totally running the show, I'm just a driver. When I was a kid I used to love road trips, but then I got older and understood how much it sucked, mainly because there was five of us, and we really couldn't make extra stops, wasn't that affordable for them. The cooler had sandwiches and drinks, so the only time we stopped was for fuel and bathroom breaks. This time though it will be different, I got nothing but time on my hands, and only one person is going to get it.

With-in the next few days I will be all packed up, and hopefully by Saturday I will be on the road, to a new life, a new beginning.

Lose it All, Gain More

So I decided that this weekend I wouldn't stress about nothing. Spent the past week worrying about getting things done, getting situated for my discharge. Spent the better part of that trying to figure out how I was going to move all my stuff to where I was going to be staying. Being that this was so shirt notice, I'm not ready. Turns out that I will probably lose everything that I have worked hard for. I've come to the terms that maybe this is something that the lord is trying to teach me about, a lesson in to where it's not so bad to lose it all and start life over with nothing, cause after all we are born with nothing and we die with nothing.

With all that being said, I took it easy today. I learned that my son has an interest in classical music and playing the key board. He tries to imitate what he hears on the radio, cause he had me playing some Mozart and Beethoven. Seemed like his favorite was the Beethoven-Fur elise, and the Moonlight sonata. Interesting cause I have always loved music and playing instruments. Just never got around to being able to go to school for the instruments. Starting with my introduction to classical music back when I was in seventh grade thanks to my math teacher. He always said that it soothes the mind and allows one to think clearly and be at peace with oneself.

With that being said I think I'm going to see if I can get him in on some lessons, probably won't last long with him being ADHD and all, but hey its a start at finding his passions. So, not only did we do that today, but spent a few hours at the park running a muck. Had a total blast running around with my other family that we won't be seeing any more come this Friday when Isaac and me hit the road towards new adventures and a new life.

Leaving it all behind

Which brings me around to the point of this post..."Lose it all, gain more". I have come to the conclusion that it is okay if I can't take all my possessions with me. The only thing that is going to bother me, is having to telll my son that we have to leave his toys behind, that we can't take them all with us. I have a lot of stuff, things that I have aquired over the years of working hard. Mostly all of it I can survive without, it is just a shame to have to lose it all. TVs, double pillow top queen bed, with the complete room set; washer and dryer, and so many more things...sadly I might end up leaving it all behind. I believe that the lord is testing me, all my life, in someway, shape or form I have been fighting for possessions, things I wanted, things to spoil my wife with, things to spoil my son with. Maybe I need to lose it all, to get everything back better. Maybe that's what I need to experience. I mean I know what it is like to lose things, and people, but maybe I need to feel what it is to lose everything all at once. Cause being divorced wasn't enough, being single wasn't enough, so my new lesson must be for me to lose my possessions, and I think I can deal with it. For the lord will never give me more then I can handle. I try and remind myself that, I also try and tell myself that sometimes you just have to sacrifice it all to get it all.

“The sacrifice which causes sorrow to the doer of the sacrifice is no sacrifice. Real sacrifice lightens the mind of the doer and gives him a sense of peace and joy. The Buddha gave up the pleasures of life because they had become painful to him.”- Mahatma Gandhi

Re-Focusing

I have done alot of things in my 27 years of life, not all of it good, not all of it bad. I have seen things that could make some people go crazy, been places that are almost to bad to speak of. I have been shot at, held at gun point, robbed, robbed back, and buried people that I love. Mostly I have worked hard, and hustled hard; weather it is cds, clothes,cars, whatever I could get my hands on that was worth selling. With long hours, bleeding hands, bleeding feet. Always working to achieve something, always working to get something. Weather it was for clothes for my little boy, or food, or a peaceful life, or a way out the ghetto, or love. I mean that's more or less the basics that we all wish for, that we all work for. We just all go about it differently, some get on the grind and never stop pushing against it all, some just kinda are lucky and everything just falls in place, some go to school, and study hard while life passes them by...

Whatever you do to get where your trying to go, just remember that sometimes it's okay to give up on certain things, cause your not really giving up on it, just focusing on somethings that will in turn get you what you stopped focusing on. Giving up on yourself is never allowed though, always do to better yourself in life, everything else will eventually fall where it should.

There is one thing that I have given up on, that would be to resettle down. Guess it's not in the stars, or whatever you believe, for me to just be with someone. Suppose maybe there is something that I need to fix with-in before other things will come. Not that big of a deal, I really don't know what to do as a single man, and a single father. Been a one woman man since I was like 18, been a husband and a father since I moved out the house. Not having someone to answer to is kind of, free I guess you can say. But if I really look at it, I still answer to my son, there isn't a parent that can't say that they don't answer to their children in some way, shape, or form. His needs will always come first.

Turns out that someone decided to hit fast forward on my life. Found out on Friday that I have 30 days left in the Navy, then I'm on my own. I was getting ready to do that in a few more months, but now I feel like I have tomorrow. So my plans to move to Texas in a few months, yea scratch that, now it will be in a few weeks. I'm more or less excited about it, my sister says she has my back, maybe we can rekindle that playful childhood connection that we shared until I pretty much bounced out the house when I was a young teenager. My sister Melissa and I used to be inseparable, my greatest concern is that her kids, my nieces and nephews don't know me. Worried that they might not like their big Uncle Joe. My son isn't too much of a worry, I tell him who they are, and he respects and loves so easily in his innocence.

The job market seems to look pretty good between Dallas and Houston...so I believe I will do just fine. Schools for my kid are going to be the tough part. He's going from an A+ school, to schools that are less then. Not trying to knock the schools, but lets face it country style and suburban style schools compared to schools in a large city are way better. Next is if they will understand his ADHD and work with us to get him properly taken care of, and educated.

So let the next chapter of my life begin. May the doors open before me that I have yet to see. I'm just so ready for it to get going!!!! Although I suppose that it has already begun.

Getting it Done

Sorry I have just been crazy busy!!! Found out that I have thirty days to get out of the navy. Kind of short notice, but hey that's the life that I have been living for the past four years of my life anyway. Thankfully I had gotten into this special class that they give us, it's for us to transition from military into the civilian sector again. Alot of us have been in way too long, don't have a clue on what it is that we can do out there,nor where to start. Basically the class teaches us how to look for jobs, how to dress, how to handle interviews, and most importantly how to write a resume. With out knowing how to translate my military title and skills into civilian lingo, I might have been a little lost. I wrote a resume about a month ago, after taking this class, I pretty much rebuilt it. There was so much that I didn't even know to put down.

Going back to the civilian life is something that I have wanted for awhile now, realized that this whole thing wasn't all for me, wasn't something I can see myself doing for the next 15 years. I'm not knocking it, I can honestly say that I have had some really good experiences, learned alot, gained alot, just the whole thing of missing birthdays, and holidays, getting married and then divorced; it's just all a bit much. Seen too many people just fall apart, meet too many people that had to go away, or have passed away, seen marriages just crumble, cheating wives and husbands, taking their vowels with no seriousness. As much bad as I have seen I have seen I have gained that much more good, seen dreams come true, had some of mine be made in front of me, such as getting away from the ghetto, finding a career that will take care of my family with enough to put away, and so much more.

I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous, I'm scared. I haven't had to find a job, haven't had to worry about insurance, haven't had to even decide what I will wear to work. Things that I took for granted. My sons meds are monthly 900 dollars easy, I'm personally up to a few hundred for allergies and sleep meds. That's more then a pay check for most people. All will be fine, I'm just over thinking, over stressing about my sons future. More or less I'm just ready to start the first day of the rest of my life.

Sometimes He Says Things at the Wrong Time

You know I'm glad that I have been able to create lasting memories for my son when his mother and I were together. Sometimes he just randomly recalls these things from somewhere deep with-in his little mind. Somedays I like hearing him recant how me, him, and mommy went and did this, or while I was doing something and mommy made a funny joke about it. Just little innocent things like that, most of the time it is no big deal, when it gets to me though is when he says something about how he misses it, or asks if I miss it.

Tonight was a little different for something, I just have been so busy that I really haven't payed attention to anything else other then my son, and attending my transitional assistance program; basically a class to help me transition back into being a normal, regular Joe, a civilian with a background, nothing more and nothing less. Being that it is so important for to get out of service and land on my feet I just don't have the time for uselessness right now. Yet during dinner, that I managed to cook after class, while writing resumes!!! Anyway while we were eating, he says "Hey, dad, remember when we used to make breakfast for dinner?" I only heard parts of that...but "Yea buddy" so he continues..."When Mommy would pop the eggs into a bowl, and I would scramble them, and then you and mommy would make either the eggs, or french toast together....I miss that." The look on his face is what did it more for me.

He looked for the moment as if he were lost all alone in the middle of the woods. Seriously, everything stopped for him. As I watched all this go down, I started to go back, started day dreamin about that time, even though I was eating spaghetti I smelled eggs, tasted the french toast. A blink later, hes back to his normal self, back to eating ad laughing and asking for another plate. My meal was done, with a half a plate left, served over to him, I was finished with dinner, taken back to some deep place in my mind.

This deep place in my mind isn't so much of me missing her per-say, but more so of missing that moment, missing that good time, before the pain tore us apart. It's the life style that I was accustomed to for all these years, the life style I wanted. I'm not a go out all night and party guy, I'm not one to sleep around really, I just like that affection, that one on one, that cuddle time, that intimate time that I shared with someone on a permanent bases. I miss what she stood for at one time, I miss what she used to be, and most of all I just miss having someone around me that I can talk with and joke with and knows what the hell I mean.

I love my little buddy to death, and as previously mentioned, he can just pull some of the most random things out of his little head, most times it doesn't bother me, but then there are those times when I'm just to tired and like arrrrgghhhh, totally throws me off track for a bit till I can bring myself back around. Gotta love the randomness of an innocent child....

Yelling Unnecessarily

Yesterday, started off peaceful besides me having to go to court for some useless cop giving me a wrongful speeding ticket, other then that it started off peaceful. Then around 2pm seemed like the day went south. I was driving and suddenly my car decided that it wanted to act up, I suddenly found myself with no traction control and no anti-lock brakes, thank god it wasn't raining. So I did the usual, swung by the auto parts store, grabbed a code reader and checked, guess what...all systems check good, no codes. So next me being mechanically inclined, I decided to clean the wheel speed sensors, to no avail. The process of doing that is to jack the car, remove all four tires, and remove each sensor one at a time and clean all the contact points.

Well while I was doing that, my son came home Not a problem, I was happy to see him, until he says "Dad I didn't have a good day." with this look on his face. So I ask why not, and like any seven year old, proceeds to tell me that he couldn't follow the rules. When asked which rules it was "I don't know". Man he frustrates me with that answer, why can't he just come out and say it, whom ever invented that phrase should be smacked.

That's not all, it seems like my son just wanted to push all my buttons, he did everything opposite to what he was told. For example on my way home from the court house, and just before me car issues I went by Wawa and picked up two sandwiches, one for me and one for him. So fast forward to when he is home, he asks me while I'm outside if one of the sandwiches on the table was his. Now I purposely left his sandwich in the store bag,so when he asked my response was "yes, honey, the one that's in the bag is your the other is mine" I said that twice, he said okay. After a few minutes I decided that I wanted to sit with him and eat the rest of my sandwich. Wrong, the little bugger had already eaten it!!! So I raised my voice at him, not really a yell, but close enough to one. It wasn't even the point that it was my sandwich, it was more so the point of him not listening. Like everything everyone says to him these days he only hears half of it, or nothing at all. I'm getting the feeling that he just wants to do what he wants and that's that. Cause about 30 minutes later, after he cried for a little bit and I comforted him, just because I hate to see him cry, and I felt like he miss understood why I had hollered at him in the first place; he hit me up for the sandwich that was originally his, I tell him no cause that's what I'm going to eat, and yet five minutes later he still tried to sneak off with it. I was like why in the hell would you do that?

Never mind all that, still didn't find the problem with the car, and in the end, I never eat the sandwich. So as the day wound down, I just let it all go, tomorrow is another day,and I just wanted to relax with my little dude, no matter how much he had aggravated me earlier. So I decided for us to eat at my next favorite place, Boston Market. Yea I know its not top notch, but it still is good, and the meat loaf tastes just like I remember as a child, plus that's my lil dudes favorite meal, mac-n-cheese, mash potatoes with gravy, and meat loaf. Me on the other hand, I ate the brisket dip carver on wheat, my new favorite. Followed by watching Rio on the big screen and laughing and singing and just being silly.

Today's lesson learned, was to remember that when everything starts crashing, and your kid won't stop bugging, then it is time to stop everything, and do something fun and relaxing relaxing with him. Cause just by doing that, not only did I make his day, but it sure made mine. Never forget to take that moment and just reflect and reset. I have fully come to the understanding that life is to short to just be angry, waste that minute, breath and FOR-GET ABOTIT!!!

IT

Here's something that I wanted to share, it has helped me keep my strength, helped me to keep moving forward and keep fighting for the things in life that I want. Going after things in life that you want can be difficult sometimes, and we tend to loose focus on what it is that we originally set out for in the first place. I found it so many years ago, and to this day I wish I knew who wrote it....So here go's:

IT
If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it,
work day and night for it,
give up your sleep for it,
If only desire of it,
makes you quite mad enough to never tire of· it,
makes you hold all other things tawdry and cheap for it,
If life seems all empty and useless without it
and all you scheme and dream of is it,
If gladly you'll sweat for it,
Fret for it,
Plan for it,
Loose all your terror of God and Man for it,
If you'll simply go after that thing that you want,
with all your capacity, strength, and sagacity, Faith, Hope, and Confidence, Stern Pertinacity,
If neither cold, poverty, famished and gaunt,
no sickness nor pain of body or brain can turn you away from the thing you want,
If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it,
YOU'LL GET IT!
author:unknown

So when you are reaching for something, and you feel like you are failing, then maybe you just need another approach to the situation, an outside view of things to accomplish what it is that you seek.

Being a Single Parent

Being a single parent is hard no matter if it's male or female. I had this nice conversation about the stereotypes of "single mom" versus "single dad" with my mom last night. Now my opinion on it is that the world is more sympathetic to a single mom then they are to a single father, that when people hear the words "single mom" they picture a hard working attractive women with three or so adorable kids, that ended up that way cause the no good father is either dead, in prison, or ran off with some tramp. When people hear "single dad" we get pictured as a guy with some mismatched dressed child, house that's a wreck, and messy from laundry and dishes. Why is it that people are that way?

I think it is because of the way the TV shows and the movies show us, look at "Two and a Half Men" for example; both of the men are constantly forgetting the kid in some way shape or form. Now every TV show that's about single women, they are perfect, they are about the struggles that they go through raising children by themselves, with some help from family members. Even in the working world they are more sympathetic to single mothers, I'm in the service, and I see it everyday. If a single mom has to do something with their child or children its okay, if a single dad has something to do with their kid, well it must be an excuse to get out of work or duty.

Wash it all at once...why not?

Now I can see why that is so, for it sells, and it is so common place to see a "single mom", plus they are more active in their parenting; no I don't mean in the way they raise their children, I mean by being active with blogs, at the bus stop, the schools, and the parks. Us men are more to ourselves, sometimes feeling out of place, I'm not going to lie I feel awkward when I go to a school event for my son, and I walk into a class room full of kids and women. I kind of find myself sometimes just being rather then being apart of the show, being gawked at with those looks of questions. Which is why I intend to do better through out the next following years to come, meaning I will be just as active as every other mother.

Now my mothers opinion is that due to the changes in time that there are more and more single fathers these days then before, but that women still have it harder to raise a child. That women struggle with income,  versus the man that makes more money on average the does his counterpart of the woman who do the same work. That as a man respect is given easier from the children then it is for the women. That most times the kids blame the mother on why there isn't a father in their life. That jobs understand because of it, and that people these days don't always think of it as the father stepped out on the wife and kids, but that the woman must have done something wrong for him too leave.

Now my mother is a single mom, I give her so much credit for making me the man that I'am today, the reason that women are queens in my eyes. I have been through the struggles with her, seen the pain in her eyes as she explained too my younger siblings that their father wasn't going to make it to spend time with them. I give made props to my mom, and many women out there that are just like her, that keep there head up, and raise their children with little to no help from the other parent. I know enough single mothers too know that it is tough, but at the same time, me being new to this single parenting thing I also am open to the way the different single "sexes" are looked upon in the world. Men and women are not equals in the world of raising kids, women are more active in the roles of public view then men are, they seek expert advice out on parenting, buy books and magazines, men are more likely to observe, and ask our sisters with children if we are lucky.

That's just my thoughts, take it or leave it. Crossed my mind from something I read about single parenting and how it was mentioned that being a single mom was so hard, but nothing was mentioned about a single father and his struggles in the world. Always remember, keep your head up!!!