I worry about my schooling, I try hard to be the perfect student, to get good grades, but at the end of the day I feel like I’m just struggling through it, barely floating. It just pisses me off when these teenagers whine about the overly petty shit that they wine about, they get bad grades cause they bullshit too much. Then of course you got the other students, those that have everything just lined up for them. Good grades, just breezing through it without breaking a sweat. I think on it and sometimes I feel that it is just my fate not to be able to go to school…All I do know is that I don’t want to let my kids down, don’t want to let my girl down…yet that fear is manifesting itself into like mini panic attacks, I don’t know what to do about it anymore…
Of course don’t let me forget that three days after my last post I wrecked my car. Worst part is, it initially seemed like a little fender bender, then it turned into a bent frame, two broken engine mounts, a transmission mount, transmission entirely, bumper, bumper strut, and the part that took the cake was the ABS control module, $$2500$$!! The total cost of repairs to my car was to total over nine grand!!! There went my dream car, the day after my birthday!! Had to buy anothe one, another dent in our wallet!! Whatever, it was good while it lasted, and I can at least say that I did it once.
My girl worries me. I love her to death, but sometimes I can’t deal. I feel like she does things on purpose sometimes, almost like she is jealous of me. Every exam I have taken, there was an argument the night before that lasted through out that day. Sometimes I caused it, but most of it was taken way out of proportion. I’m not perfect by any means, and I’m not looking for perfection at all. State that loud and clear, so I don’t expect things to be that way. Its like she don’t understand everything I am struggling with: school, relationship, guilt from lost time...the house and cars and bills and on and on. I try hard and focus a lot on schooling because of my stress of letting the family down, of not being able to be the man that provides so she don’t have to work hard, so my family can go from the have not’s to the haves.
I think about my son’s mother often too. I miss her a lot. Maybe it is because he reminds me of her, when I look at my son I see his mother. Or maybe it is this relationship, with all of its similarities with my son’s mom that makes me think on her. I had a counselor, when described my life and relationships ask me “Why do you think you have to save woman, why is it that you are attracted to woman that need help in some way… or healing… or is sick? Maybe you are the one that needs saving, maybe you should allow a woman to come to you and let her rescue you.” I thought on those words; my son’s mother was a diabetic, she didn’t take care of herself correctly often enough, every female before her and after her have had something wrong, loneliness, broken heated, strength to leave a relationship. They were all damaged goods sort of speaking. Yet I wanted to rescue them from themselves. I failed with my son’s mother, she passed three weeks from her 27th birthday. I never stopped loving her, but I had to separate myself from her, I just knew that when and if she died, if there wasn’t that space, then I might not have made it. So I focused solely on our son. Others I helped in one way or the other, I do believe that we all come into other people’s lives for a reason, that person or yourself needed to live a certain way and have certain experiences. It’s always a win/lose situation for me I guess. Have a moment of sadness when she crosses through, or Isaac says something, or I see something, find a lost treasure like a piece of paper with her hand writing.
I’m not perfect, I make mistakes. So I know that some of my problems stem from me. I hold on to things past; which I hate myself for it, its just so hard to forget shit that hurts. I can be resentful if I get hurt enough. I have this shell up, my guard on most of the time. I feel as if someone is always going to let me down. It is really hard for me to let people into my circle, I just don’t trust people in general, too many let downs. So if I give you the title as “friend” then honor it because you probably earned it. Which is why I don’t have many friends, I have associates. I mean whose going to let you down if you don’t give any one the opportunity to do so? Nobody but yourself that’s who. I also have this really bad habit of not really saying what I mean, or rather saying something that can be taken multiple ways. They almost always get turned negative in some way, never for their true underlining meaning. It’s a horrible habit…
Today (05Dec.13) I’m extremely depressed, feeling down and out, totally over stressed. I had a rough night trying to study for an exam, and finalize an essay that I worked on for almost a month. So that was already up there. Then other things kicked off and added more things onto the load. Its like somethings aren’t understood and boundaries get over stepped….goodnight.
I'm not sure of a lot of things in life. As we travel an go our ways, life's many hurdles things that we need to get over get in our way. Wounds that sometimes need more TLC to get better, to heal. some wounds are too deep, cut down to the very soul of us that takes an extremely special person to caress and help it heal. No matter how hard we try sometimes life knocks us down. Everytime we pick ourselves up we leave a piece of us there. But that's the point, that's where we grow stronger we become something more then human, a little less alive.
I guess recently with all that was good, there's always that much bad. Sometimes the greatest things fall quickly in the end. Every time I allow myself, to fall, too hope, to dream; I find myself broken and hurt and lost. I tried, I tried more this time then before, yet I find myself in a worse position.
They ask for my love, then make me promise, they show me things, they give me dreams, they give me hope, yet when it comes down to it... I'm the one that loses all that I care for when they crush it all.
Now due too today's circumstances, my fixed income, and her inability or want to fix what's on Lee damaged , has me on the verge of losing my son. Because of my income I won't be able to put a roof over his head.
I just don't know what my purpose is here anymore. Every road I travel on is cut short, everywhere I turn the people closest to me are the ones causing me the most pain. That silent cry in the night the one only heard by yourself, the one that keeps your sanity. I feel my sanity slipping away.
To admit love is too allow yourself to be weak, to be controlled by that person that you love. And yet it takes the greatest strength to allow your self to be loved. When someone knows you love them it is usually them that will hurt you the most. The things that have hurt me the most are the most important to me. My sisters punishing me cause I was gone, my mother siding with them and of course finally admitting to me what I have felt for so very long.
This was truly my last attempt at settling down. For this is the very last time that I will do this to my son. He is all I have in all his innocence in him is my only hope of life. Somedays I sit back and think where I would be if I didn't have him. So I thank God that he is here. He lost his mother but I will never leave him. Never will I abandon him on no one. Yet, unfortunately I have to let him go for a bit. Only till I can stand on my own two feet. The very thought of having to be separated from him is just horrible. But I think with perseverance and tenacity that it will be a short separation.
I guess I will just have to start over once again. As if I'm plagued with dead ends and broken dreams I will keep on keeping on. To all those that are lost, or feel that life is just shitty. Trust and believe that someday it will all get better, that someday you will be where you should be. Don't ever give up on living...there is something out there for everyone. God bless and stay strong.
Some nights I hear her, some nights I even see her in my dreams. I miss Cherese, my son's mother, my ex-wife. She passed on the 27th of July at 710 in the morning. When I first heard the news I was in a little bit of a shock, I wasn't sure I had quite heard correctly. It wasn't until a few hours later, driving down the road to visit a friend in hospital; it smacked me. Full in the face that she was gone, that k could never hear her voice again, that my son will never truly get to know his mom, the way that she used to be, when we were young. That his mom won't be there for the first anything. I just couldn't understand why this was happening. I couldn't grasp why God would do, or allow such a thing.I filled with anger, I filled with hatred, I filled with regret, but most of all; I felt the deep sadness wallowing up for my sons loss.
For so long I had been very mad at her, just so very angry that she had allowed herself to get sick; by not caring for herself, she shortened her life. She robbed my son and me of our dreams. So when she passed I just had so much to say, so much time had passed since we really talked. She had tried to speak with me, she had given me the opportunity to get some things off my chest, yet I had avoided it. When I thought back on it, I couldn't have been more foolish to not have picked up on what she was trying to do. She would say "I'm going to be leaving soon and its going to be hard to get in touch with me..." it just didn't click in my head what she ment.
Isaac and I have our days. Some days it just hits us, I can tell his mother crossed his mind when he comes to me and says he feels sad. I hold him for a few and assure him that we will be okay. While he is with me I seem to hold it together, after he leaves I cry quietly to myself, cause I miss her, sad cause he misses her.
Tonight was particularly tough, when our son would just have me climbing walls, when I felt at my last straw, I would call her, she would tell me things to help with keeping him calm, or remind me of some techniques and ways to talk with him; that in my frustrations I had forgotten. I thought of calling her on this night, thought of the things I would say. Cause I knew that this time, that this call, was going to be different. Now I pray to the lord to have her hear. As waves of emotions flowed over me, I talked.I started and everything I ever had to say just flowed out, some of it repeats, some of it words never spoken. By the time I finished, by the end of my words, I felt releved, felt some what a little peaceful....
As each day starts and ends I feel a little stronger, thanks to all the love and understanding I get from my girl Gloria, me and Isaac get better and stronger, the way she has stepped up and has filled some shoes and has showed Isaac so much love is all we ever needed. I'm grateful she is apart of my life.
Wow it has been awhile since I poured myself onto this screen, been through a lot in that time. Not going to run down that list cause it is behind me, but I'll do a quickie instead. Since the last writing I've lost my grandfather, lost a close friend, found a great women with kids, moved, had a great job; quit to attend school this coming fall also part of the move, and disowned my family.
That's a lot in such a short time...but hell that's life it comes fast an hard sometimes. This girl I met though, wow, she makes me happy, I adore her two kids, its tuff though, her kids are a little rebellious towards me, but I think in time all will work out. My son is so happy to have them in our lives, which makes me very happy. The kids are more or less close in age, they have they're moments but getting along well enough; for boys that is.
I now find myself playing the roll of house guy, or...well not sure of the exact title...maybe stay at home dad fits the description. Somedays its great, sometimes I feel like I'm pulling my hair out, like I'm going to lose my mind. Its taking quiet a bit of adjusting for me, cause I have always been the provider of my household, but the roles have switched and my beautiful girl has taken the reigns of bringing in the bacon, and I maintain or children and house.
My friend that passed a few months ago was important to me. For he helped me without asking much in return when I needed it the most. For some silly reason he took a road that we never went on when heading to base on his bike. Except on that day a car turned in front of him and he didn't have a chance to slow down...and as I write this someone else who was very dare and important to me is passing away, my son's mother. Her and I had a long relationship, we lasted ten years together, we would be on our twelfth year had we not separated a few years back. What was important was that we still remained somewhat close, not only for our sons sake, but because we knew we could always lean on one another, because we were still best friends in away. My biggest regret, one that will always haunt me, is that I had moved from her, avoided her to protect myself. For I feared this day was going to come; so I tried to run from it.I felt that if I was far enough away things would be easier, that it wouldn't hurt so much, that the pain would be more manageable. Saying good bye wasn't something that I was prepared for.
Now she sleeps heavily sedated, unknowingly the night before last was THE last time that my son and I would ever hear her voice again. The last time to ever crack a joke...the last time I will ever hear my son get excited about talking about food, that was their thing, for some reason him and her could watch the cooking channels for hours; which in turn allowed them to connect and talk.
There was so much I wanted to say...so much I wanted to hear from her...so much finger pointing...things I will just have to live with, things I can only pray on. With all her weaknesses amd her strengths, I give her all the props in the world, for with her last days she excepted her passing, with the strength beyond her she remained brave with her good byes.
For so long I was just mad at her, almost to the point of hatred, I blamed her for all she did to herself, by not taking care of herself she ruined all my future plans, I did not see myself going this way. I thought I was going to grow old with her. and have more kids , and grow to see our grandchildren. For some reason I always saw us growing old together. I never got to tell her that I forgive her, and I wasn't mad anymore. I will always love her, she gave me something that I will always love and cherish and that is my son, and lasting memories that I will take with me through all of time....
We all have a purpose in this world, we all meet people and come into their lives for one reason or another, either we ourselves needed it, or they needed it. We always get something from the relationships that we have, and I just don't mean the relationships of boyfriend and girlfriend, or husband and wife; I mean all forms of the word; friends, family, relations, affairs, all of it. Somehow, some way one or the other needed it. Either we need them to change our life or we change theirs. Some is business, some need excitement, some need someone to talk to, some just want the sex, some just want to be away from everything in their life that bothers them.
Every time we come into someones life something changes, ourselves, or them. We take and or give with every interaction. Sometimes if we aren't careful, we lose a little bit in the end, but more times then not we win, cause we learned something, we helped someone, we lived a little. Even knowing the out come, we sometimes still allow it to be, just because we are curious, or we needed reason, or excitement.
I believe that my purpose in life is to just fix people, or at least try. It seems like that is all I find these days, broken women. Women that need to be saved from their own lives in one way or another. Showed something different, allowed to feel happy for whatever is wrong, or an ear that is always available. One way or another, I end up losing, I mean I gain and lose at the same time. I may gain a friend or lose one, I may gain a momentary love, but in the end, when their fixed...they disappear for awhile, only to come back around later on for more repairs..??
I dont know anymore. What I do know is that I am me, and I will always be the same. I'm not perfect, but I try, I'm not rich, but my heart is huge, but maybe thats the problem...I have a big heart and for some reason I want to save them, but in the end, who saves me? Who picks me up when I'm down? Who listens for my cries for help? Alone is how I feel....
I try and keep the faith, asked for forgiveness, pushed forward through this hell that I seem to find myself. I starting to feel like it is all but a waste of time, that my feelings and thoughts no longer matter, if they ever did at all; to those that I feel the most for. Every mistake I make is made into something bigger, everything I say is taken out of context, feel like I am never fully understood.
When every time you take a step forward with something that is important, and you end up two steps back...what is one to do?
The cross roads in which I stand are a tough one, I have my sister here that I love to death and would do anything for her; but she still punishes me for things that I did when I was young, barely out of my teens, things that I cant change no matter how hard I want to. I had reached a point when our step-father walked out on us, to where I just wanted to run, be free, yet I had the entire weight of the family on my shoulders. In the end, things got out of hand, and I left for a few years. Turned my back to all of them, with much regret. Her children have taken to me alot, I couldn't see myself not in their lives anymore, but the pain of being here so close to my sister, yet so far is getting to be heavy.
Then I have this chick, that some how has come back into my life after so many years. We met almost ten years ago, but I was already with my sons mother, so me being a loyal and respectable man, I stayed away. I stayed away cause I was crushing her, she was cute, and I saw inn her this greatness, this power to be independent, and mothering, just knew she would be somebody some day. Never did I imagine that one day I would get to be with her. I fell more or less instantly for her, like this great spark, the way I see her and the way she makes me feel inside, so at peace, so tenderly warm and comfortable. No longer do I feel restless when I am in her arms. I can actually sleep the few times that we have cuddled. Yet her past is being projected onto me, bring fear of pain to her heart.
Brings me back to my cross roads, do I stay or do I go? There are a few roads to which I can choose, I haven't a clue as to which one I should choose. If I were to stay would anything change, should I keep struggling here where I have little support? Or do I take the other road and leave, take what I can fit in my car and roll out to my home, where family and friends are missing me, and are in-abundance? And yet there's still another road in which I can choose...stay, build a foundation here, work hard and wait to see if this girl comes around, prove to her that I am the man I say I am, and that I want to build a future with her. Which ties into so many more things. The awkwardness when everyone comes together, or the missed invites that I wont get cause she will be there, or she wont show cause I am there. I don't want that either. It would cause me great pain to come in the middle of this family that my sister has built up here for herself.
Nothing but more questions fill my head, hundreds of reasons to stay, hundreds more to go. Don't want to seem like I am running away from it all, just not sure if it is worth it all anymore. A battle I feel that I have lost, and will continue to lose no matter how I approach it. I mean, I do feel like this is where I'm supposed to be, that I found what I was looking for, but at the same time, I feel as if I'm wasting precious time. My soul is in pain, my heart aches, the loneliness that I feel is sinking me deeper into a hole that is dark and cold. I am emotionally drained, and just so tired from it all.
I have been places, and seen things. Mostly pain and suffering of some form or another has surrounded me, it was okay, I endured, got stronger, more wiser, more patient, and more mature. The pain in my heart these days, the weight of it all, just has me questioning everything. I give 100% of me to everything that I feel is worth fighting for. Lately I feel I barely get 10% back. This is life, yea I get it, but what is real, and what seems to be real are two very different things. I get so caught up on dreaming, that whats real I no longer see, the lies allude me, they are covered with the mist of the dream and wants.
No longer will I just give myself to anybody, I can't do this any more; believe in the lies, get filled up with hope, then get smashed, and dropped like a bad habit without ever having done something wrong. I'm convinced that nice guys will always finish last. That women no longer want a guy to love them, to cherish them, that they just want to be fucked and left to their own ends. Everything is a head game, nobody is real any more, nobody tells how they really feel, that everybody has a mask on. They wear their mask so well, that they don't know how to take it off any more, it was once a safety for them, but they let it take over, control them, have complete hold that they just can't let it go. Too afraid to show themselves when someone comes along and tries to show them a better life, the way they themselves first dreamed it before the pain, before they were crushed and hurt.
Some people get hurt so bad, they gave all their love away to the wrong person, that didnt value them, didnt cherish them, didnt treat them with respect, and just used them every which way a person could be used, that they don't know how to let go, they don't know how to move from that. Afraid to let someone in, even when that some one has truly fallen for them, cause they can see what is on the inside.
Fear is the worst feeling in the world. It is one emotion that stops us from doing and having so much in our lives. I try and be fearless everyday when I open my eyes, the word was try cause I have lots of fears, most of them stem from my dreams, and alot have to do with my son. But I try and hold it all together. Got the weight of the world on my shoulders, smile when I wanna scream, hide my tears in my pillow for there is no one to hold my hand, no one in which I can lean on. My soul becoming hard, giving up on the faith. Giving up on that dream I have had most my life.....