Where do I Stand

Im at a serious cross roads in my life, I feel as if everything I touch just falls away as I touch it, like the ashes of what is and what could be raining all around me. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to do, there was a time in life when I believed that my soul purpose in life, the reason I was on this planet was to make others happy, to bring laughter to people, to be the life of the party, and in any situation. Being that I am human, just a man, I have made a lot of mistakes in life. Done things that I'm not proud of, said things to those that I love, hurt people because I could. I just feel like I'm being punished for my past ways, like everything is hunting me, I don't sleep cause my dreams of life are nightmares when I close my eyes.
I try and keep the faith, asked for forgiveness, pushed forward through this hell that I seem to find myself. I starting to feel like it is all but a waste of time, that my feelings and thoughts no longer matter, if they ever did at all; to those that I feel the most for. Every mistake I make is made into something bigger, everything I say is taken out of context, feel like I am never fully understood.
When every time you take a step forward with something that is important, and you end up two steps back...what is one to do?
The cross roads in which I stand are a tough one, I have my sister here that I love to death and would do anything for her; but she still punishes me for things that I did when I was young, barely out of my teens, things that I cant change no matter how hard I want to. I had reached a point when our step-father walked out on us, to where I just wanted to run, be free, yet I had the entire weight of the family on my shoulders. In the end, things got out of hand, and I left for a few years. Turned my back to all of them, with much regret. Her children have taken to me alot, I couldn't see myself not in their lives anymore, but the pain of being here so close to my sister, yet so far is getting to be heavy.
Then I have this chick, that some how has come back into my life after so many years. We met almost ten years ago, but I was already with my sons mother, so me being a loyal and respectable man, I stayed away. I stayed away cause I was crushing her, she was cute, and I saw inn her this greatness, this power to be independent, and mothering, just knew she would be somebody some day. Never did I imagine that one day I would get to be with her. I fell more or less instantly for her, like this great spark, the way I see her and the way she makes me feel inside, so at peace, so tenderly warm and comfortable. No longer do I feel restless when I am in her arms. I can actually sleep the few times that we have cuddled. Yet her past is being projected onto me, bring fear of pain to her heart.
Brings me back to my cross roads, do I stay or do I go? There are a few roads to which I can choose, I haven't a clue as to which one I should choose. If I were to stay would anything change, should I keep struggling here where I have little support? Or do I take the other road and leave, take what I can fit in my car and roll out to my home, where family and friends are missing me, and are in-abundance? And yet there's still another road in which I can choose...stay, build a foundation here, work hard and wait to see if this girl comes around, prove to her that I am the man I say I am, and that I want to build a future with her. Which ties into so many more things. The awkwardness when everyone comes together, or the missed invites that I wont get cause she will be there, or she wont show cause I am there. I don't want that either. It would cause me great pain to come in the middle of this family that my sister has built up here for herself.
Nothing but more questions fill my head, hundreds of reasons to stay, hundreds more to go. Don't want to seem like I am running away from it all, just not sure if it is worth it all anymore. A battle I feel that I have lost, and will continue to lose no matter how I approach it. I mean, I do feel like this is where I'm supposed to be, that I found what I was looking for, but at the same time, I feel as if I'm wasting precious time. My soul is in pain, my heart aches, the loneliness that I feel is sinking me deeper into a hole that is dark and cold. I am emotionally drained, and just so tired from it all.

Overwhelmed

Ive done all I could do, said all I could say, I tried to make this work, wanted to make this work. Apparently it wasn't going to if I'm the only one trying. Seems like I'm always the one trying to make stuff work. I was once told that I would die a lonely person, that love would never find me. I have tried to change that, thought if I changed my ways, became a better person, a better man, more forgiving, that things would turn around for me. I guess I just have to accept my fate, let go of my silly dreams of having a family, and growing old with one person. Seems like the biggest my family will ever get is one, my son. Didn't want him to be an only child, always dreamed of having my kids close in age, of them always being close, so when there mother and I are gone, they can always lean on each other for support.
I have been places, and seen things. Mostly pain and suffering of some form or another has surrounded me, it was okay, I endured, got stronger, more wiser, more patient, and more mature. The pain in my heart these days, the weight of it all, just has me questioning everything. I give 100% of me to everything that I feel is worth fighting for. Lately I feel I barely get 10% back. This is life, yea I get it, but what is real, and what seems to be real are two very different things. I get so caught up on dreaming, that whats real I no longer see, the lies allude me, they are covered with the mist of the dream and wants.
No longer will I just give myself to anybody, I can't do this any more; believe in the lies, get filled up with hope, then get smashed, and dropped like a bad habit without ever having done something wrong. I'm convinced that nice guys will always finish last. That women no longer want a guy to love them, to cherish them, that they just want to be fucked and left to their own ends. Everything is a head game, nobody is real any more, nobody tells how they really feel, that everybody has a mask on. They wear their mask so  well, that they don't know how to take it off any more, it was once a safety for them, but they let it take over, control them, have complete hold that they just can't let it go. Too afraid to show themselves when someone comes along and tries to show them a better life, the way they themselves first dreamed it before the pain, before they were crushed and hurt.
Some people get hurt so bad, they gave all their love away to the wrong person, that didnt value them, didnt cherish them, didnt treat them with respect, and just used them every which way a person could be used, that they don't know how to let go, they don't know how to move from that. Afraid to let someone in, even when that some one has truly fallen for them, cause they can see what is on the inside.
Fear is the worst feeling in the world. It is one emotion that stops us from doing and having so much in our lives. I try and be fearless everyday when I open my eyes, the word was try cause I have lots of fears, most of them stem from my dreams, and alot have to do with my son. But I try and hold it all together. Got the weight of the world on my shoulders, smile when I wanna scream, hide my tears in my pillow for there is no one to hold my hand, no one in which I can lean on. My soul becoming hard, giving up on the faith. Giving up on that dream I have had most my life.....

What to Do...

So, this new life that I have voyaged upon isn't as easy as I had thought it to be. Can't find work, loosing every way I turn, and for some reason it seems that all I fight for just gets farther away. I had a long discussion the other day with my ex-mother in-law, not only was it stressful, and depressing, and heart wrenching, but it actually made me cry. Turns out that it took her all these years to fall in-love with me, but it was just a little too late. Her mother tells me that she is dieing, that every time we talk on the phone, she dies a little faster; now she has been a part of my life for so many years, for the past ten years of my life she was there, the sad part is, that I loved her the moment I saw her; I told myself that I was going to save her from herself, give new meaning to her life, be there for her...after about eight years I realized that it wasn't possible. That no matter what I gave her, or did for her, she didn't care enough to live, she didn't care enough to take care of herself, not even for her son.
I'm not completely sure how I should feel about this, I still love her, but its not more then you love a sister, or a really close friend. Her mother blames me for the state of mind that her daughter is in. She says that the way I left was wrong, in reality it was over long before I walked out the door.  The definition of Insanity:" doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. " by Albert Einstein, is what I started to realize. I couldn't change her state of mind, I couldn't make her care about living, so why should I continue to fight for something if I'm the only one fighting for it? I walked cause I had to protect my son from the pain, from seeing his mom that way, I wanted him to remember the good days, to remember his mother when she was the most beautiful, not how she looks, or acts now. Her mother says that she is so broken, so lost that she no longer is capable of taking care of herself. This truly saddens me to the core, I had hoped that she would have gotten stronger from this, gotten better, proved to herself that she is everything I tell all women, that they are strong, powerful, and smart.
As she gets sicker, my only regret was that maybe I should have tried to stay by her longer, after all I didn't leave her cause she was sick, I left her because of everything  she did, and everything she didn't do. She didn't hold up her end of the deal, she wasn't a good parent to our son, she wasn't loyal to me, as I always was to her, she didn't do the things that all spouse do when they are a home maker.  I just pray for her to be at peace, for her to know that I have forgiven her for all that she has done wrong, including crush the dreams of mine and our sons by cutting her life short, and most of all, I pray for her strength to carry on with her life.
I'm not saying I'm perfect, I have made my mistakes in life and relationship, many I will not ever repeat again. I just wish the answers were before me, that the light will shine down on what it is I'm supposed to do. 
Right now I have this beautiful girl, one that I had my eye on almost ten years ago when I met her, never thought in a million years I would be able to call her mine, never expected to be divorced either; yet here I am. The only problem is, she has been destroyed, hurt, dragged so low, and been on her own for so long, because she is so guarded. Turns out while I was crushing her, she might have been doing the same. I think about her all the time, but I'm not sure she is as into it as I am, she lets her fears take over, hold her back. I'm so afraid to express my deepest feelings to her, so afraid to get hurt myself, but I feel that if I don't then it maybe too late when I feel strong enough. I just don't know how to break down her walls, I'm trying to be patient, take it at her pace, but some days she is running full speed, then some days its like she climbed in her shell and I can't get her out for nothing in the world.
She makes me feel like I have wings on, that I can take on the world when she's near me, I get so sleepy, so comfortable in her arms. She soothes me with her simplest touch, the storm in my head subsides, and I feel total peace and bliss. The more I'm around her the more lost I get, the more she takes my breath away, but its like a roller coaster with her moods, and mixed signals, and how she goes back and forth with what is and what could be. One day shes all on me and cuddling, the next nothing; not a word, call or text, seriously what the hell am I supposed to do? Then through in my damn mouth, and my imagination, and it spells disaster when I was reading to do deep between lines that don't exist...aaaahhhh