Lost

  I'm not sure of a lot of things in life. As we travel an go our ways, life's many hurdles things that we need to get over get in our way. Wounds that sometimes need more TLC to get better, to heal.  some wounds are too deep, cut down to the very soul of us that takes an extremely special person to caress and help it heal. No matter how hard we try sometimes life knocks us down. Everytime we pick  ourselves up we leave a piece of us there. But that's the point, that's where we grow stronger we become something more then human, a little less alive.
  I guess recently with all that was good, there's always that much bad. Sometimes the greatest things fall quickly in the end. Every time I allow myself, to fall, too hope, to dream; I find myself broken and hurt and lost. I tried, I tried more this time then before, yet I find myself in a worse position.
  They ask for my love, then make me promise, they show me things, they give me dreams, they give me hope, yet when it comes down to it... I'm the one that loses all that I care for when they crush it all.
  Now due too today's circumstances, my fixed income, and her inability or want to fix what's on Lee damaged , has me on the verge of losing my son. Because of my income I won't be able to put a roof over his head.
  I just don't know what my purpose is here anymore. Every road I travel on is cut short, everywhere I turn the people closest to me are the ones causing me the most pain. That silent cry in the night the one only heard by yourself, the one that keeps your sanity. I feel my sanity slipping away.
To admit love is too allow yourself to be weak, to be controlled by that person that you love. And yet it takes the greatest strength to allow your self to be loved. When someone knows you love them it is usually them that will hurt you the most. The things that have hurt me the most are the most important to me. My sisters punishing me cause I was gone, my mother siding with them and of course finally admitting to me what I have felt for so very long.
  This was truly my last attempt at settling down. For this is the very last time that I will do this to my son. He is all I have in all his innocence in him is my only hope of life. Somedays I sit back and think where I would be if I didn't have him. So I thank God that he is here. He lost his mother but I will never leave him. Never will I abandon him on no one. Yet, unfortunately I have to let him go for a bit. Only till I can stand on my own two feet. The very thought of having to be separated from him is just horrible. But I think with perseverance and tenacity that it will be a short separation.
  I guess I will just have to start over once again. As if I'm plagued with dead ends and broken dreams I will keep on keeping on. To all those that are lost, or feel that life is just shitty. Trust and believe that someday it will all get better, that someday you will be where you should be. Don't ever give up on living...there is something out there for everyone.  God bless and stay strong.

Getting On

Some nights I hear her, some nights I even see her in my dreams. I miss Cherese, my son's mother, my ex-wife. She passed on the 27th of July at 710 in the morning. When I first heard the news I was in a little bit of a shock, I wasn't sure I had quite heard correctly. It wasn't until a few hours later, driving down the road to visit a friend in hospital; it smacked me. Full in the face that she was gone, that k could never hear her voice again, that my son will never truly get to know his mom, the way that she used to be, when we were young. That his mom won't be there for the first anything. I just couldn't understand why this was happening. I couldn't grasp why God would do, or allow such a thing.I filled with anger, I filled with hatred, I filled with regret, but most of all; I felt the deep sadness wallowing up for my sons loss.
For so long I had been very mad at her, just so very angry that she had allowed herself to get sick; by not caring for herself, she shortened her life. She robbed my son and me of our dreams. So when she passed I just had so much to say, so much time had passed since we really talked. She had tried to speak with me, she had given me the opportunity to get some things off my chest, yet I had avoided it. When I thought back on it, I couldn't have been more foolish to not have picked up on what she was trying to do. She would say "I'm going to be leaving soon and its going to be hard to get in touch with me..." it just didn't click in my head what she ment.
Isaac and I have our days. Some days it just hits us, I can tell his mother crossed his mind when he comes to me and says he feels sad. I hold him for a few and assure him that we will be okay. While he is with me I seem to hold it together, after he leaves I cry quietly to myself,  cause I miss her, sad cause he misses her.
Tonight was particularly tough, when our son would just have me climbing walls, when I felt at my last straw, I would call her, she would tell me things to help with keeping him calm, or remind me of some techniques and ways to talk with him; that in my frustrations I had forgotten. I thought of calling her on this night, thought of the things I would say.  Cause I knew that this time, that this call, was going to be different. Now I pray to the lord to have her hear. As waves of emotions flowed over me, I talked.I started and everything I ever had to say just flowed out, some of it repeats, some of it words never spoken. By the time I finished,  by the end of my words, I felt releved, felt some what a little peaceful....
As each day starts and ends I feel a little stronger, thanks to all the love and understanding I get from my girl Gloria, me and Isaac get better and stronger, the way she has stepped up and has filled some shoes and has showed Isaac so much love is all we ever needed. I'm grateful she is apart of my life.