Yelling Unnecessarily

Yesterday, started off peaceful besides me having to go to court for some useless cop giving me a wrongful speeding ticket, other then that it started off peaceful. Then around 2pm seemed like the day went south. I was driving and suddenly my car decided that it wanted to act up, I suddenly found myself with no traction control and no anti-lock brakes, thank god it wasn't raining. So I did the usual, swung by the auto parts store, grabbed a code reader and checked, guess what...all systems check good, no codes. So next me being mechanically inclined, I decided to clean the wheel speed sensors, to no avail. The process of doing that is to jack the car, remove all four tires, and remove each sensor one at a time and clean all the contact points.

Well while I was doing that, my son came home Not a problem, I was happy to see him, until he says "Dad I didn't have a good day." with this look on his face. So I ask why not, and like any seven year old, proceeds to tell me that he couldn't follow the rules. When asked which rules it was "I don't know". Man he frustrates me with that answer, why can't he just come out and say it, whom ever invented that phrase should be smacked.

That's not all, it seems like my son just wanted to push all my buttons, he did everything opposite to what he was told. For example on my way home from the court house, and just before me car issues I went by Wawa and picked up two sandwiches, one for me and one for him. So fast forward to when he is home, he asks me while I'm outside if one of the sandwiches on the table was his. Now I purposely left his sandwich in the store bag,so when he asked my response was "yes, honey, the one that's in the bag is your the other is mine" I said that twice, he said okay. After a few minutes I decided that I wanted to sit with him and eat the rest of my sandwich. Wrong, the little bugger had already eaten it!!! So I raised my voice at him, not really a yell, but close enough to one. It wasn't even the point that it was my sandwich, it was more so the point of him not listening. Like everything everyone says to him these days he only hears half of it, or nothing at all. I'm getting the feeling that he just wants to do what he wants and that's that. Cause about 30 minutes later, after he cried for a little bit and I comforted him, just because I hate to see him cry, and I felt like he miss understood why I had hollered at him in the first place; he hit me up for the sandwich that was originally his, I tell him no cause that's what I'm going to eat, and yet five minutes later he still tried to sneak off with it. I was like why in the hell would you do that?

Never mind all that, still didn't find the problem with the car, and in the end, I never eat the sandwich. So as the day wound down, I just let it all go, tomorrow is another day,and I just wanted to relax with my little dude, no matter how much he had aggravated me earlier. So I decided for us to eat at my next favorite place, Boston Market. Yea I know its not top notch, but it still is good, and the meat loaf tastes just like I remember as a child, plus that's my lil dudes favorite meal, mac-n-cheese, mash potatoes with gravy, and meat loaf. Me on the other hand, I ate the brisket dip carver on wheat, my new favorite. Followed by watching Rio on the big screen and laughing and singing and just being silly.

Today's lesson learned, was to remember that when everything starts crashing, and your kid won't stop bugging, then it is time to stop everything, and do something fun and relaxing relaxing with him. Cause just by doing that, not only did I make his day, but it sure made mine. Never forget to take that moment and just reflect and reset. I have fully come to the understanding that life is to short to just be angry, waste that minute, breath and FOR-GET ABOTIT!!!

IT

Here's something that I wanted to share, it has helped me keep my strength, helped me to keep moving forward and keep fighting for the things in life that I want. Going after things in life that you want can be difficult sometimes, and we tend to loose focus on what it is that we originally set out for in the first place. I found it so many years ago, and to this day I wish I knew who wrote it....So here go's:

IT
If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it,
work day and night for it,
give up your sleep for it,
If only desire of it,
makes you quite mad enough to never tire of· it,
makes you hold all other things tawdry and cheap for it,
If life seems all empty and useless without it
and all you scheme and dream of is it,
If gladly you'll sweat for it,
Fret for it,
Plan for it,
Loose all your terror of God and Man for it,
If you'll simply go after that thing that you want,
with all your capacity, strength, and sagacity, Faith, Hope, and Confidence, Stern Pertinacity,
If neither cold, poverty, famished and gaunt,
no sickness nor pain of body or brain can turn you away from the thing you want,
If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it,
YOU'LL GET IT!
author:unknown

So when you are reaching for something, and you feel like you are failing, then maybe you just need another approach to the situation, an outside view of things to accomplish what it is that you seek.

Being a Single Parent

Being a single parent is hard no matter if it's male or female. I had this nice conversation about the stereotypes of "single mom" versus "single dad" with my mom last night. Now my opinion on it is that the world is more sympathetic to a single mom then they are to a single father, that when people hear the words "single mom" they picture a hard working attractive women with three or so adorable kids, that ended up that way cause the no good father is either dead, in prison, or ran off with some tramp. When people hear "single dad" we get pictured as a guy with some mismatched dressed child, house that's a wreck, and messy from laundry and dishes. Why is it that people are that way?

I think it is because of the way the TV shows and the movies show us, look at "Two and a Half Men" for example; both of the men are constantly forgetting the kid in some way shape or form. Now every TV show that's about single women, they are perfect, they are about the struggles that they go through raising children by themselves, with some help from family members. Even in the working world they are more sympathetic to single mothers, I'm in the service, and I see it everyday. If a single mom has to do something with their child or children its okay, if a single dad has something to do with their kid, well it must be an excuse to get out of work or duty.

Wash it all at once...why not?

Now I can see why that is so, for it sells, and it is so common place to see a "single mom", plus they are more active in their parenting; no I don't mean in the way they raise their children, I mean by being active with blogs, at the bus stop, the schools, and the parks. Us men are more to ourselves, sometimes feeling out of place, I'm not going to lie I feel awkward when I go to a school event for my son, and I walk into a class room full of kids and women. I kind of find myself sometimes just being rather then being apart of the show, being gawked at with those looks of questions. Which is why I intend to do better through out the next following years to come, meaning I will be just as active as every other mother.

Now my mothers opinion is that due to the changes in time that there are more and more single fathers these days then before, but that women still have it harder to raise a child. That women struggle with income,  versus the man that makes more money on average the does his counterpart of the woman who do the same work. That as a man respect is given easier from the children then it is for the women. That most times the kids blame the mother on why there isn't a father in their life. That jobs understand because of it, and that people these days don't always think of it as the father stepped out on the wife and kids, but that the woman must have done something wrong for him too leave.

Now my mother is a single mom, I give her so much credit for making me the man that I'am today, the reason that women are queens in my eyes. I have been through the struggles with her, seen the pain in her eyes as she explained too my younger siblings that their father wasn't going to make it to spend time with them. I give made props to my mom, and many women out there that are just like her, that keep there head up, and raise their children with little to no help from the other parent. I know enough single mothers too know that it is tough, but at the same time, me being new to this single parenting thing I also am open to the way the different single "sexes" are looked upon in the world. Men and women are not equals in the world of raising kids, women are more active in the roles of public view then men are, they seek expert advice out on parenting, buy books and magazines, men are more likely to observe, and ask our sisters with children if we are lucky.

That's just my thoughts, take it or leave it. Crossed my mind from something I read about single parenting and how it was mentioned that being a single mom was so hard, but nothing was mentioned about a single father and his struggles in the world. Always remember, keep your head up!!!

A day of Play and Grilling

My son pushing my adopted nephew on the swing. <3 them

Well, what can I say, right now the only thing that I'm going to worry about from here on out is my son, and his future, if I get lucky along the way then that is that. I have tried since the separation, but things just haven't worked out so well. So from here on out no more posts about love, no more depression on it, I'm going to have to learn to laugh more, going to have to learn how to be a kid again. Going to see every day as a new day, and that yesterday is gone with no return, I want to make memories with him on a regular basis, ones that I can laugh at when I look back, one that he will remember and remind me once in awhile as we eat dinner.

I just have been so involved in this move, this transition that I have hardly had much time to sit with my little buddy. He is starting to ask questions, and show signs of like he blames himself for what has gone on between me and his mother. That's normal for a child his age, but the best I can do is constantly remind him that nothing is his fault, and that he can talk to me anytime he wants about anything he wants. Problem is, hes too quiet, its hard for me to get anything out of him.

Thought I would spend the whole day in my bed, but it turned out to be a wonderful day. When my son came home from school, it was homework, and then we have spent the entire day outside, played on his swing set, did some tackling and rolling in the grass, then my lil buddy helped me to put together dinner on the grill, reminding me "dad check the meat" or "hey dad is dinner almost done, I'm hungry!!"

The grill with dinner, bout to grub on!!!

Man all I needed was that push, that reason to get out the bed today, cause if I didn't have my son, there was no way that would have happened. I love him and my nephew, with out them today wouldn't have happened, the boys no6 just when I need a hug, and when to make me laugh by just being plain silly. It's official, as long as I have my son in my world, and make sure he is the center of it, there is no reason I can't do great things.

It's true, I really don't need anybody in my life. If some day in the future it comes around then great, if that day never comes, I think I will be okay with that. I'm young, and I have come to the point that all the family I need is my son, if at some point I still haven't gotten with another woman, and I want to expand, hell there are plenty of children that could use a home, and I've got nothing but love for children. Me and Isaac will do just find in this bold new world we find ourselves in

God bless, and as always, remember that you control your destiny, and there is nothing to big or small to tackle, you got this!!!

Falling

When a man has fallen from the graces of a woman, one in which he has fallen so deeply for, one that he cares so deeply for, until she is ready to let him back in, if ever he is fallen from everything. For no matter how hard he tries, he can't seem to get his life in order, she has stripped him to the core with her love, the love he was afraid to accept, yet he was feeding off of.

With out love, life is just so much more difficult, so dull. Love brings all the colors, brightens all that it touches. I had that, I lost that. My mistake, my fault, my wife ruined it for me the first time, I was just so afraid, so scared to accept it when it came again that I ran from it, coward from it. When my eyes were opened to it, I had lost her. Now I have to let her go, let her live her life without me in it, for there is nothing I can do to find myself in her heart again. I cherished every moment with her, I just didn't show her, didn't let her know it, challenged her love every chance I had.

A man will only fall once or twice, but a third will be far off, until she returns to me, I will just be me and my son. I don't want another, don't see myself with another.

Moving On

Old House Once My Home

This was our home, it once had a wife, child, husband, and a cat that lived here. As time went on it slowly died. This is where I spent almost four years, felt like a prisoner for quiet some time in the master bed room. I'm sure my comparison of it being a prison has no merit on it being her prison. Cause after I left it she remained there for another year. Most of it in different states of depression, most of it laying in the bed, most of it staring at the walls and the pictures of good times past. Most of it trying to stay high just to past time.
This place is where it all fell apart. There was no more happiness inside this place, it was lost on all who entered and stayed for any period of time. The hardest moments I remember was receiving a phone call, one that I mark as the tip of the knife, it was November 20th 2009, my phone rings and I answer it to a doctor, she tells me that I'm a perfect match to donate a kidney to my wife, but...why is there always a but!?!?; anyways, she goes on to say that I can't because for some reason my kidneys are only operating at 90 percent together, and if they were to take one then I wouldn't have enough in reserve for myself. I told her thank you for the call, said goodbye.
I hung the phone up and just sat at the foot of my bed for what seemed like eternity. Then it all seemed to hit me, I realized that I had failed her again, that because I didn't do something I should have, that I took too much proteins, and vitamins, that some how some way it was my fault that she would die, it was my fault she was sick, because had I pushed her harder, had I stayed on top of her that she would be able to grow old with me, she would be healthy, that I wouldn't have to say goodbye before our son graduated from high school, that I wouldn't be alone with the only person that has ever put up with my shit is gone, the only person that knows the words to say, the ways too touch me and make me melt at her finger tips.
As time went on I slowly shut down, turned off all emotions, and distanced myself. Distanced myself from her, every time I looked at her I grew hatred, I grew disgust, I looked at her as the one who took everything important to me away, she ruined all I had worked for, all I wanted. I could no longer stand to be around her by the middle of 2010. Brings me up to the second hardest thing I had to do or endure in this house.
It was at the beginning of November 2010. I finally got the strength, thanks to S; previously mentioned, to say what I had been wanting to say, we both knew it was coming, we hadn't spoken in a month, hadn't shared the same bed in a few months. I told her that I wanted a separation. It took a few days to sink in, she came to me one night while I was working on my computer, web designing, she stood in front of me and said "Tell me it's over, tell me that there is no more me and you" So I said "It's over" "No, look at me, Joe and say it!!" So I turned my chair towards her and said "Its over, Cherese" she made no movement so I began to elaborate "It's over, the waters run dry, the love well is out, it's the end of the road." I saw on her face that it stung, it looked like she had just been hit with a mac truck; and I immediately  felt like shit for being so cruel about it on the outside, while inside I was screaming and crying.
About 30 seconds after I said that, hell it could have been longer; felt like an hour, with her just standing there, she let off one hell of a battle cry, and hit me with a two piece. Now those that don't know what that is, basically she balled up both her fists and struck me twice before I could even react. Both blows landed, one on my left ear, and as I turned the other blow struck me on my right cheek close to my lips. The expression on her face was mixed, one I won't soon forget, she looked both scared as hell, and so very sorry for having done that, like if she could undo anything, it would be that very moment before she actually did it. For me, talk about being in total shock at first, then that was followed by pure rage. As she ran out of the house I commenced to destroy my desk, and flipped my entire bed set with one hand while still sitting at my desk. Trust it is not easy to move that bed around, it is a double pillow top mattress with a full bed frame, and box spring, took me over 45 minutes to put the damn thing back straight where it goes. When everything passed, and all was calm, and even to this day, I still chuckle about that moment, cause her hitting me had only reminded me why I had fallen for her in the first place. She was a G in her prime, my Ghetto Queen. Even though she had broken my number one rule, never lay hands on one another out of anger, I wasn't too mad at her, just like me, some of her dreams were coming to an end.
I had to ask her recently, if I had done right by her all these years, if she can say that she was honestly happy with me, and proud of me for all that I had done for us. The answer I got made me cry, shocked me to the bone, cause without hesitation, without a seconds thought, I got a "Yes, you have always been good to me, always made me proud, we all have our moments, but more times then not you made me happy and kept me happy even when we didn't have anything to call our own, and I will always love you for the man you are." I will always love her, for she blessed me with my beautiful son, and she has saved me in more ways then one could believe, changed my life, took me from the road I was on; which wasn't one to be proud of, for I would either be in a pine box, or a cage by now. Through our common interest, that being our son, then I believe that our friendship will remain strong.
Now that I have gotten all that out, it is time for me too close this chapter, close this section of my life, and move on, move forward for the things that I want, for the things that I want for my son, and hopefully on to a better part of my life. God Bless and remember that no matter what, just keep your head up, life goes on, after the pain, after the rain, things do eventually get better, remain strong.

What Dreams May Come

An awesome movie, this movie can make or break you depending on how you look at it. Yea I know its an old one, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone, that there is a soul mate for each and every soul out there, cause every soul has a twin that completes it. This movie has crossed my mind on and off through out the day, so I'm sitting here, got to be back at work in like five hours; watching it for like the millionth time. If you haven't seen it, then in short its about a man that dies in a car accident, he goes to heaven, which is more beautiful then he could have ever dreamed of. Shortly after his death, his wife commits suicide, and ends up in hell, so he decides that he will risk heaven and peace, and the possibility to be trapped in hell for that one moment to save his wife, for that chance to see her and bring her back. Shows that his love and their bond is all that guides him, all that fuels him in his endeavor to save her.

I know I have found mine, its just one of those wrong place, wrong time deals. Both of our lives are quiet busy, we hardly even have time to get on a phone sometimes, between work, her school, and all our other obligations.  Its all in the works, for my dream is going to come true when I move closer to her, when life slows down for us and we have time to work on us, then all will come into place.

Yet sometimes I wonder if I will ever make it to that point. If I will be allowed to make it there. Having put on this uniform has changed me alot. It has made me sterner on things, tougher on things, more closed on emotions, more ready to direct, take charge, more ready to open my mouth regardless of the consequences, more ready to turn my back on everything for something more. Things haven't always panned out for me the way I want them to, seems like the harder I try to hold things together, the more wild and out of control it gets. Yea that's life, but the problem is that I put myself all into whatever it is that I'm working on, and when it fails, when it crashes, when it just doesn't work, I don't have a back-up plan, I have an idea for one, but it is always like starting over. When I can't fix it, I punish myself, everything can be solved, and fixed, I just have to figure it out, I just have to make things right, I just have to be on good terms, or it just drives me insane. I don't know why it is that I have become that way, I just wish I knew a better way to control it.

Sometimes I think insanity is an option, SLEEP for me is rare, a few hours keeps me going for 24-32-40 hours, my mind always plotting, always thinking of the things that need be done, the things I want for my son, the anticipation of whats to come for me and him with-in the next few months. So many changes are going to happen so quick. My biggest of all worries, is how is my little boy going to cope with the change, with the possible loss of everything we own. Would I be failing him, if me chasing my dreams, me going after what I feel in my heart to be right, means loosing everything for the chance of gaining so much more in life for us.

These are the things that keep me up late nights, the things that I can't help but to hurt over, things I can't help but to chew on and pray on. For my son is so precious, so innocent, that I couldn't bare the look of pain or disappointment on his face. His look of fear for the unknown even bothers me, makes me want to grab him and just hold him close. I feel as if he hides things, hides his thoughts and emotions from me...but enough about all that. ONE

Questions

Sometimes I sit and ask myself some questions, see where I'm heading and if I'm proud of those little accomplishments that I have made. I also ask such questions that only time could answer, for these are question that I ask the lord. Questions such as, Why do I feel punished, Are those that have given me insights to my future correct with things such as my loneliness, such as my struggle, such as this divorce. See when I look back on the life I've lived, there has been a lot of pain, a lot of struggle just to survive. I have set back and literally asked the lord what it is that I have done to be so punished, what did I miss that I was supposed to do. Cause I just couldn't figure it out, yea I've done things, things I felt I had to do in order to survive or provide for my son and his mother at the time, somethings I'm far from proud of. I will say this though, my son was never without, I did anything and everything for him that I possibly could, he doesn't know what it is to struggle, or to not have.

When I think back ten years ago, I remember my boy Lee, me and him were inseparable, people thought we were brothers born of the same blood. We weren't but brothers in our souls. There was a time when we slept in my car, only ate on nights that he worked. That joke that Katt Williams says "Gas is so mother'fuckin high. Hot Damn gas. Shit!! You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, "Did i eat today?" "I can get no half a tank, ive got 3 cigarettes." Was truly apart of my life ten years ago. Yea I can say I have come along way. Me and him have done some wild ass shit just to survive. But at the same time it was just five years ago when I was laid off that I found myself sleeping under bridges and shit, eating what I can, telling family that the water is broke would they mind letting me take a shower every other day or so.

So yea I've been up and down, got scars to prove it. Sometimes I wonder if I can just stay up, why do I always have to get stable for a few years then loose it all to start over again. Have this saying that I remind myself of every once in a awhile; it goes like this:

"IT
If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it,
work day and night for it,
give up your sleep for it,
If only desire of it, makes you quite mad enough to never tire of· it,
makes you hold all other things tawdry and cheap for it,
If life seems all empty and useless without it and all you scheme and dream of is it,
If gladly you'll sweat for it,
Fret for it,
Plan for it,
Loose all your terror of God and Man for it,
If you'll simply go after that thing that you want,
with all your capacity, strength, and sagacity,
Faith, Hope, and Confidence, Stern Pertinacity,
If neither cold, poverty, famished and gaunt,
no sickness nor pain of body or brain can turn you away from the thing you want,
If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it,
YOU'LL GET IT! "

So I know that eventually, some day, I will be where I want to be...good career, big house, a wife, and some kids, don't forget the dog or two...some day with Gods graces I will have those things, for they are my "IT"

Reliving Memories, Through Old Stories

Today was quiet accomplished. I was able to finish moving my things out of my old house, most of it is in storage, and the rest has either been given away, or relocated to the room in which I now live. I managed to get clothes washed, some cleaning done, and stood a watch at my squadron. After all that speaking to my grandmother was awesome, she made me realize somethings. Like how life used to be back in her time, how she had to work three jobs just to take care of her children, that being my aunts, uncles, and my mother, these days there isn't even enough time to work three jobs. Got the lecture about how having too many kids is a bad thing, which kinda makes sense; the more kids the harder you work, the more you work, the less time you get to spend with them, and that I needed to slow down, see the world with new and open eyes.

She also took me back to my childhood days, where cream of wheat for breakfast was the thing, where playing with toy cars was all that was needed. She reminded me that I need to get in touch with my inner child, have more fun with my child, life is short, and that living should be all the blast no matter what it is that I'm going through, cause there are many more worst things, and many more worst places I could be in life. When I was a child, I used to take my toy cars and just run them from one side of the house to the other and back. My grandmother used to buy me a toy car or two every other day or so. I had so many that I didn't even know what to do with them. May god bless my grandmother, she will be truly missed when the lord calls her to return home.

Either way; basically what she was telling me was that I needed to take each day as it comes, live for today not tomorrow, cause when the day is up we might have missed something important while worrying about the next day, breath in the moments of life, and remember those moments that truly take our breaths away. Those moments are the moments to hold onto, the moments to relive and add to them on a regular basses.

Always remember....Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Tough Day

All right so my days are numbered in the house that used to be a home. So today was kind of a crunch day, slammed most of the house into the storage that I have today, all though the deeper part of me was saying "F*** it all, sell it all, and move on", I still tried to salvage what was left of the house, not for me; but for my most dearly loved lil buddy, so that way when I do reopen a house and make it into a home, I can make it something of what he remembers.
Just lugging all the stuff up and down the stairs, moving all the things into boxes, crates, and tubs; trying to decide whats worth saving and whats not worth it is just so draining. People may think that packing a house that was a home into little boxes full of memories is easy, but it is far from it. Its not that I love her in that way anymore, it's more like loosing a really close friend, it's like ending a chapter in your life that you just weren't ready to do, but it was needed in order to move to a better one. The way everything worked out was just shitty, I ended up with a house full of stuff that I told her to take along with her in the first place...FML; I never wanted to keep any of it, I had taken all I cared to take, except my sons room was to remain intact and that was all that was to be put in storage; cause as far as I was concerned with, starting over in life ment taking nothing with you of your past. It's all good though, for the next few years of my life will be better, I just have to get through these next few months.
I'm just thankful that the lord has blessed me with a few good friends in life that are close by, for if it were not for them, then I would surely have just thrown my whole house on the curb and called it a day. For it was too draining to even be in the house, let alone by myself. Thanks to my friends that have let me know that they support me, and they are with my during these troublesome times, throughout this rough chapter I'm currently going through.
The only thing that could have made it all the better would have been to have my girl by my side.Yes this is the same one that I'm technically not with, that I just adore, and would rather have stayed with had I not messed up. I say "my girl" loosely. For what happens, happens; if we do get back together some time in the future; great, then it really was meant to be. For I truly believe that we were in some way shape or form fated that way, else why would we have met in the first place, when neither of us were looking for anything.
Any ways, if she were here, if she were able to be, things would have gone smoother, she always makes me laugh, just her smile is enough to melt all my problems of any day away. The other night when we Skyped, man I had forgotten just how beautiful she was, not in the way that one forgets what a color looks like, just in the way of seeing her live in action, seeing her in her element the way I remembered her when I last saw her back in November.
I try and remind myself this....."when facing adversity, we may think we’ve reached our limit, but actually the more trying the circumstances, the closer we are to making a breakthrough. The darker the night, the nearer the dawn. Victory in life is decided by that last concentrated burst of energy filled with the resolve to win."

Phases and Proper Planning

These are the things I need to be in work on now and continue to work on other things that are further ahead in the future. By making this list it will help me too stay on track, without too many diversions. Cause in order to succeed you must have an action plan, an idea of what you want, how to get it, and when you want it by.

Phase I- 1-4 Months

1. Get medically checked for everything possible (secure disability)
2. Get all veteran affairs in order (GI Bill, medical, education, proof of OJT)
3. get educated on GI Bill vs Post 911
4. Complete proper resume
5. Prepare for move
6. Locate/research housing
7. Locate source of income before I arrive
8. Research local colleges to where I'm moving

Phase II- 3-6 Months

1. Complete move to Texas
2. Secure proper housing
3. Secure income (if not already)
4. Secure schooling (if not already)

Phase III- 1-4 years

1. Complete secondary education (bachelors) ($$)
2. Purchase my own home (if not already in work) (3-5 beds, 2.5 baths, garage, 1+ acre of land)
3. Secure work in proper field of study ($$$$)
4. Marry and re-settle down
5. Have second child

As each phase is completed it will open up new doors and new chapters upon my life, most I will gladly accept.

Great Day

Today was a great day, even on little sleep I accomplished more then usual. Worked, worked out, caught my son from the bus on time this time, got home work done, and attended an awesome multicultural night with my son at his school. It was awesome!!! Never did things like that when I was in second grade!!! They had all the classrooms set up with a different culture, and food to taste from the many cultures that we have in the area.
They did a really good job. My son got to singing in three different languages, and try food from around the world tonight, most of which I had eaten in some way shape or form, but he had never so he just had a blast, made me so proud!!!! Love my little buddy, as much stress he adds into my life, that's how much more he removes from it at the same time. He makes me proud to say that I'm his father...Now if only I can find him a fill in mom....lol JK!!!!!
O yea almost forgot to mention that my day was totally complete when shorty that I have been missing these days hit me up to Skype cause she wanted to see me. I feel on top of the world, seems like more things then not are falling in place, almost done with smoking, down to a pack every three days, awesome considering that I'm a pack or more a day kinda guy!!!
Next step is to start making my resume more along the lines for what it is that I'm applying for, and also to be more professional and break down what it is that I have been doing for the past four years in the military and how that translates into the civilian quadrant. Mouth full!!! Once that is completed the next step will be to go out and start applying with an open ended date to start of work pending release of active duty service.
With all that being said I got everybody and there momma trying to find ways to convince me to stay in the navy, for some bullshit reason or another, even as far as telling me that I will spend less time with my family as a civilian. Bullshit I tell yea, cause the way I see it is that I'm going to get out of the navy, go to school, hold down a part time job, and from there just keep moving up the chain until I make it to the top and that my family is fully set in every aspect of life. My future wife is set, and my children are all set for college and their future is secured with trusts and such.
What would make it even better is if I can get around to setting up my own business to make it a family owned and operated one, definitely capable of running itself and staying with-in the family on down the line to even my great grand-children. That would be a true dream come true.

LiL Buddy dressed to impress!!!

Where Did I go Wrong

So for the life of me there are some things that I just can't figure out, I mean I must be a worthy man, cause my ex-wife would like to be with with me still and would rather have stayed with me. Yet since we separated I have been in two relationships that just didn't work out oto well. No matter how hard I tried for them to work they failed. Yet the women still want to stay friends with me. But seriously how do you stay friends with someone that you would rather be with, not just sitting on the side lines. Yes granted one of the woman is married; still thanks to me, and it was doomed to fail between me and her, but the other; I messed up pretty bad with that one.
I got nervous and scared, I'm a grown ass man, I will admit to it, I was worried that the distance that we had to endure was going to ruin what we had been building on, I was afraid to loose such a good one. With her living in Texas and me stuck in Virginia, I was like man this sucks all I wanted was to see her, to hold her, but I kept telling her that if we make it through the distance, then we can make it through anything, total fail on my part, just for being an idiot. I mean me and her shared the same hopes and aspirations. She loved my son, which is most important, cause he adored her. She wanted to adopt him and continue to have a family and make additions to it, she has no kids; perfect right?
She had this idea that since I broke the tie with her for all of six hours that she just wants to focus on school, and keep me as a friend. Great is what I thought cause my own undoing was my own fear. Go figure. Well I have given her space, let her be free, if she was serious then we will see where it goes, cause if she comes back around after shes done with school...I more then likely wouldn't hesitate, for I wasn't looking when I found her, it just happened.
Funny thing is when I was first introduced, I was like man, I really want to get to know this chic, on a personal level, and the more I learned about her, the more I got sprung on her. She thinks its the idea of her, but I say it is all of her for who she is, and where she wants to go in life. I miss the hell out of her, worst part is that I keep beating myself up for it, lesson learned I suppose. I just hope that where ever she goes in life, that she holds no regret, and that the next man is a better one then me. For in the end I suppose I just want her to be happy.

Life as A Single Father

You know I really have to give it up to all the single parents out there. I always thought my mom was a little exaggerated about raising us kids; she had five of us, teenagers by the time our step-father left. We weren't bad kids per-say, but we were kids. Now that I'm one, single parent that is, I have a little bit more understanding as to what my mother meant. Seems like there really isn't much time in a day to do everything that has to be done, Monday through Friday its get him off to school, go to work, get home at the same time he does, do homework, run errands, make dinner, and find some way to spend some one on one time that he so desperately needs in his life. He feels abandoned by his mother, and like neither of his parents love him. God I try so hard to show him I love him, yet it still isn't enough. For I can't be his mother, she could never be truly replaced, and he just doesn't fully understand.

I'm just thankful for the people that I have in my life that help too lighten the load even if only a little. Both with my son, and with myself. Some days I feel as if I could go crazy, but I know that if I just hold my head up high, take care of my son, make plans with back-ups for his and my future, then all will work out as it should. I will have the things that I want from life, and my son and hopefully future children will be set. I'm working for his future, for a better life...

Cleaning

When a long term serious relationship ends, there really is alot of stuff to go through, especially when one walks away and leaves everything behind. So today I spent the day cleaning out what was once a home, but now is a house with whispering memories. I spent most of the day going through old boxes and shredding memories, then adding them to the disposable grill. As the fire consumed the papers and twirled to the sky with the ashes of our names, socials, and once shared bank accounts; I watched and sent up a prayer towards the heavens, asking for a better life, asking for a sign, asking for the lords blessings for my son and me.

Love Gained and Lost

So we know a little about me now, I would say its about that time to bring in the whole start of this blog, the reason why I got the idea to keep a live digital log of my life, travels, and relationship, also to include raising a child with ADHD as a single parent. In 2009 I started to see this girl...from here on out shall just be known as S...So S showed me something, she let me know that their is someone out there that can make me happy again...if you remember my home was a broken home, me and my sons mother weren't talking and just couldn't stand one another.
So since I'm a one woman man I hadn't been with another one, I had forgotten what it was life to be wanted, forgotten what it was like to be cherished...forgotten alot of things that I no longer had with my sons mom. She totally opened me up, broke down all my walls that I had built over the years that made me strong, and gave me courage, and made me a real asshole to most people that didn't know me for who I was. The only problem with S, was that she was married. Her story goes that she was very unhappy, for he mentally abused her, made her feel less of a woman, treated her as if she were a child, always told her she was ugly, and dumb. Her problem was is that, that is all she knows, the were high school sweet hearts, and she has a child by him.
Yes I know, "big problem" its so true what they say, that when a woman loves she loves unconditionally. For in the end she helped me and she heart me, six months into our relationship, after we've made all these plans, started setting things in motion, she gets cold feet, she gets scared, she decides that she wants to fix things with her husband...fair enough, I'm such a good guy I sudden;y turn from lover, to counselor, and I help her to save her marrige. Not so sure why I allowed myself to be hurt that way, maybe it was because mine was so far gone that there was no repairs for it so why not? Couldn't tell you, it just happened that way. No I was never mad at her for what she did, I was crushed, I was deeply hurt, I was semi out of my mind, hell I had fallen so hard for her and her son; being that I always wanted more kids, but my sons mother couldn't carry, that I adopted him as my own.
We live and learn I suppose, never again will I mess with a young married chic, your UN-happy...LEAVE HIM...don't come to me with no bullshit!
Well time goes by, we went our separate ways, and thanks to her, I was a new person. I mean not in the sense that my whole mind set has changed, just in the way that I go about things, that making friends now comes easier, talking to women comes almost naturally. I started listening more to myself, taking my own advice that i just give out like candy but never really follow. Things like "happiness is what you make it" and "life is to short to be angry or upset" and "cherish the ones around you, cause you never know" just sayings just like that when applied makes life so much less stressful, so much more appeasable.

A History Lesson

Think I should give a little history about myself. Lets take it back to 2003 about nine years ago. Fresh out of high school, big dreams, five scholarships, you name it I had it. Then one day my girl-friend tells me shes pregnant. So I did what any real man would do. Went out and got three jobs. Life was hard, I was going on 19, alone from everything. But I prevailed, fought against her mother, my mother, my sister, and the rest of the gypsy clan as i like to call them; and made things happen for me and her.

Now all that sounds a little easy, but it wasn't, there were times I thought I would never stop struggling, never thought I would make it. Life had some good times for me, it wasn't all pain and suffering, after my son we did some house hopping, I job hopped...eventually I was able to get us an efficiency in the Perrine area of south Florida. Found a good job life was going great, like a fool I spent a lot, spoiled her, had more or less what I wanted. Like all good things, the job ended. Like most of America, I found myself jobless in 2006. Struggled after my meager savings ran out, she went back to her clan, and I slept under bridges...blah, blah.

Let's fast forward a little more...At the end of 2007 I enlisted into the United States Navy, married my sons mother in April of 2008 and left for boot camp. Boot camp wasn't so bad, it was what it was...the next chapters in my life almost pushed me over the edge to no return. While I was in boot, my new wife is back home, bull shitting with everything I make, she couldn't save a dime, even going as far as "investing" in her ex-boyfriends business. How shitty is that? My money and it's being screwed all around with before I can even see it. Whatever...fast-forward some more 2009 her kidneys give out on her, thanx to her not having been taking care of herself with diabetes...at the age of 22 she's on dialysis...what the fuck! At the end of 2009 in November on the 16th at about 1730ish I get the call to tell me that I'm a perfect match to donate a kidney to her and save her life, but I can't donate.

Through out the next year we just fall apart. I mean everything went out the window. I watched the woman that I deeply loved deteriorate in front of me, watched her wither away, stood by the hospital bed, took the ambulances, the midnight freak outs that she was dying on me right there because her sugar dropped to the teens and she had a stroke, and seizures, and on and on. Mean while all that was going down...the silence in the grew deeper, and darker. If we spoke it was unkindly, we slept in different rooms. My house was a broken home.

I couldn't even look at her any more. She brought great anger and hatred towards her from me, she disgusted me. Not because of how she looked, all sickly and such; but because she had ruined my dreams, she took all that I had been working for and turned it useless and a total waste of time. A family with her, and more kids is all I wanted, for us to have all that we wanted...She ruined it all by not caring enough about us, about her son, about life to take care of herself. Again life came crashing down around me. Yea some may not see it that way, may say "What a self centered asshole, blah, blah" But the whole picture is her crushing dreams, same as if she cheated on me, which I'm sure she has; same as if she just jumped off a building into the abyss of fuck it I'm single. Even still the most important thing, our son. He started asking questions like "is mommy going to die? Is mommy dying now?" started getting really curious about death.

That's when it all clicked...so in November of 2010 I filed for separation. Not just because she was sick, but more importantly to protect my son. A six or seven year old should not be concerned in anyway with death. Now I'm waiting for the courts to make a final decision on our divorce decree, and grant us the divorce.

So now we are up to date with everything in my world...from time to time I will share somethings from the past, kinda bounce back and forth...take care.

Crushing Dreams

We all have a journey in life, somewhere that we are supposed to be, something that we were meant to do. Some of us figure it out early, some never quiet get it, and others are just plagued with what can be called bad luck. As we make our ways in and out of other peoples lives, we imprint upon them a little bit of ourselves. we shape their dreams, their hopes and their ambitions. We also can crush them, hurt them, totally destroy their lives with just a few words. Especially if we build them into believing in us, make them fall in love with us, tell them that we love them and want the same things in life that they do. Then in a blink of an eye we take it from them, turn our backs to them, leave them so high; and drop them like they were hot, all because they made one mistake, all because we just decided to...so unfair, without warning their world just crushes around them, worse for those that really had nothing and you meant everything to them.