Getting On

Some nights I hear her, some nights I even see her in my dreams. I miss Cherese, my son's mother, my ex-wife. She passed on the 27th of July at 710 in the morning. When I first heard the news I was in a little bit of a shock, I wasn't sure I had quite heard correctly. It wasn't until a few hours later, driving down the road to visit a friend in hospital; it smacked me. Full in the face that she was gone, that k could never hear her voice again, that my son will never truly get to know his mom, the way that she used to be, when we were young. That his mom won't be there for the first anything. I just couldn't understand why this was happening. I couldn't grasp why God would do, or allow such a thing.I filled with anger, I filled with hatred, I filled with regret, but most of all; I felt the deep sadness wallowing up for my sons loss.
For so long I had been very mad at her, just so very angry that she had allowed herself to get sick; by not caring for herself, she shortened her life. She robbed my son and me of our dreams. So when she passed I just had so much to say, so much time had passed since we really talked. She had tried to speak with me, she had given me the opportunity to get some things off my chest, yet I had avoided it. When I thought back on it, I couldn't have been more foolish to not have picked up on what she was trying to do. She would say "I'm going to be leaving soon and its going to be hard to get in touch with me..." it just didn't click in my head what she ment.
Isaac and I have our days. Some days it just hits us, I can tell his mother crossed his mind when he comes to me and says he feels sad. I hold him for a few and assure him that we will be okay. While he is with me I seem to hold it together, after he leaves I cry quietly to myself,  cause I miss her, sad cause he misses her.
Tonight was particularly tough, when our son would just have me climbing walls, when I felt at my last straw, I would call her, she would tell me things to help with keeping him calm, or remind me of some techniques and ways to talk with him; that in my frustrations I had forgotten. I thought of calling her on this night, thought of the things I would say.  Cause I knew that this time, that this call, was going to be different. Now I pray to the lord to have her hear. As waves of emotions flowed over me, I talked.I started and everything I ever had to say just flowed out, some of it repeats, some of it words never spoken. By the time I finished,  by the end of my words, I felt releved, felt some what a little peaceful....
As each day starts and ends I feel a little stronger, thanks to all the love and understanding I get from my girl Gloria, me and Isaac get better and stronger, the way she has stepped up and has filled some shoes and has showed Isaac so much love is all we ever needed. I'm grateful she is apart of my life.