Life

Today was a really long a horrid day. All I kept wanting was to close my eyes and it would be a whole new day, a new fresh start. If I could start any day over, today would be at the top of my list. I got woken up in the most horrible way, my sister yelling at me to get up and get my son ready for school. Now everybody knows that there are just certain ways not to wake somebody up, we are all different but the principles on waking someone are more or less the same. She says that I blew off the hing and slammed the door, my thing is, usually I don't remember the first few minutes of being awake, I have been told that I have had entire conversations in my sleep, I don't remember a thing. I must be one of those people that will tell you my deepest thoughts if you ask me while I'm sleeping, and I wont ever remember.
Either way, she goes on to post crap about me on Facebook like some dang child, and before you know it she says she wants me out. Before she even told me she wanted me out I didn't even know that I had done something wrong in the first place. I had no idea why she was so pissed off with me, I tried communicating with her, all I got was nothing back in return. I love my sister, and I had really hopped to rekindle that childhood bond that we had, and allow our children to share in on that, guess that is out of the question.
Brings me to my next set of problems, because I am the way I am, if someone says to me that they are done with me, then they are dead to me. I have been through hell and back more times then I actually care to count. IF you don't want to be apart of my life, then I don't need you. If you offer me help, and then it suddenly becomes an inconvenience for you, then don't bother. Once I leave though, you can forget about anything ever happening again. What my family has done to me in the past is why I have spent so many years without them, felt as if I didn't need nor care to have them around. I tried to be that guy to pull it together, forget the past, but I guess the past was worth remembering, and the past is where my family can stay, as a memory of what was and never will be.
With all that being said, my sister was supposed to, and volunteered to help with my son so I can get back on my feet. Meaning watch him and stuff like that so I can do job interviews and such. She started giving me a ration of crap last week about something I told her about two weeks before, and that was that she was going to have my son Saturday afternoon, until Tuesday when I came back from Dallas doing my interviews. Suddenly because she got the dates mixed up, I'm lying about it. How fair is that? So now because she wants me to leave, and I now have interviews for Friday also, so my only option is to send my son to my mothers house in Miami. I'm quickly running out of cash and now I have to fork over something like 800 dollars for plane tickets to fly my eight year old somewhere, while I go to stay in the shelter up in Dallas.
Finally the one to top it all off, the final heart ache and pain of the day, cause punishing me by making me lose my son wasn't enough but the chick, the sole reason that I even give a damn about half the shit, of course under my son, has been playing the I'm confused game. I think she is just scared, scared to let go, scared to allow herself to be caught up in a dream, scared to allow herself to dream. For an instant, for a moment when she does, man its so beautiful, so innocent and real and attainable. Then she starts questioning it, remembering her past fails, and finding all the faults that don't exist on why this can't be what it is.
I don't even know what to do or think any more. The sad, desperate man at the end of his ropes, is what I have become. Pulling my hair out, not being able to sleep worse then usual, hardly eating, food makes me feel sicker when I do eat then when I don't. This past week has been torcher, and apparently the storm has really just begun. It is so true, cause even more so to add to the dilemma is I finally get a hold of my sons mother to update her on the situation that I am currently in, and she is okay with it, but my ex-mother-in-law had to go and stir up all kinds of shit and push me right back over the edge. Had the freaken gypsy clan jump down my throat about sending my son over to his grandmothers house, and how she is so much freaken better, and blah blah blah. Tell you what, if I have to go down there to get my son, there is going to be hell to pay. This women has no right to intervene with me and his mothers agreements, no say in where he will stay or anything. Yet I had to get a bigger head ache, go through more pain, and deal with her mouth, and her digging up the past, and her calling me names, blaming me for her daughters down fall.
This storm has got to give, I feel like I'm going insane. Seriously about to just call it quits on everything. Moving somewhere that I have nothing, no family, no friends, just false dreams and hopes was probably a bad idea, maybe I should just take what I have and head home, go back to the place where I came from, where I have friends, and work, and people that give a damn weather or not I'm breathing, people that miss me now, and will miss me if they don't see me for a day. Tried to quit smoking, yea right shit lasted a whole week, and everything started going south for me again, can't even do that right. When will this hand that's got a hold of me just let go, I feel like this ant, where some evil little boy keeps burning my feelers as I try and find my way!!!!!