Love and Life

Why is it in life that we choose to love the ones that hurt us the most and act like the ones that love us the most and are there for us don’t exist? We all have choices in life; but in the end who’s gonna be there for us if we push those that hold us the diarist away from us? I’m not perfect, I have broken hearts and have had my heart broken more times than not. That’s because I’m passionate about everything that I do, and I mean everything I say when it comes to love. For those that I hold above the others, there is no limit to the things that I wouldn’t do for their happiness. They say that all is fair in the game of love and war. But really what’s the point All it causes is more pain, more heart ache, and more drama. Since my divorce I decided that I was going to avoid drama like the plague, with the understanding that in life sometimes a little drama is required. All I want is to start moving forward in life, start living my dreams. There was this moment that I thought that I may have that someone, that person that was going to be there. Turned out that her so called “dreams” that she had were just short phases in her life, just thoughts with no intent to commit to them. Might possibly have been a complete waste of time and energy for me, or more like a lesson learned. At the same time it just adds more crap onto the next one when she says everything that the last one said. How do you believe that the image you and someone share are one in the same? In reality you don’t, you just have to wait, hope for the best, and possibly waste precious time, and see where it goes. For real though, why lie about what you want in life and where you want to go, or where you see yourself in X amount of years; telling about dreams that you have for the future? Gives the false sense of what could be and where it is going. They say that people are only as good as their actions, cause their actions define them. Where does that leave me? I try and be a good man, and try to do the right things be everyone around me, yet somehow I keep coming up short. Then to top it all off, I hold my feelings inside unless it is real important to me. These days I feel as if it doesn’t matter. In the end only the lord can judge me, and that I try my best every day to be a good person, a good friend, a good father, a good brother, and I try my hardest to be a good lover. Truth be told you can’t force someone to love you, even if they say that they do, it will never be the same as the love that you have for them. They will always feel pressured into being with you in some way shape or form. Even when you hold them above others, cause you believe that it was a god send that they are in your life. When I met this girl that I have mentioned, I was starting to not really care about anything anymore, I had reached a point to where it seemed like there was just no point in living. During our time together she had to work at everything, work for me to love her, work for my trust. Truth was is that I loved her from the beginning, I was just afraid to express it so soon. Then there was this storm, I was too far away to fix anything, and things changed. Now I’m so close and we started to fix things, and then it ended as soon as it sparked, I still feel for her, I’m just angry that I feel no closer, no answers to the questions that I have, the whys, and how comes. As if I had done something wrong, as if I had created a problem for her, it was one minute talks of the future, and almost in a blink of an eye she was gone again. The sad part is, I truly wanted to be with her, to do all these things with her that she and I dream about, and would have done anything to keep her happy. What can I do though, other than to try and recover, move on with my life? Friends she wants to stay with me, but I’m not sure I will make a good friend, considering how she has me feeling about not being able to give me any answers. She hasn’t said a word as to what happened, almost as if what we had didn’t matter, feeling like I was a rebound or something. Live and learn, never again will I be a fool to fall in love with someone who is unsure about where they want to be, or where they want to go. I do thank her though, she has shown me things, given me some experiences, and reawakened me spirit, even though it is slightly damaged as of now. Desperately trying not to put back up my walls and become heartless and cruel to her. I don’t blame her so much, she was damaged when I found her, one of the reasons I fell so deeply for her. If only she understood what it is that I wanted for us. Basically as far as I’m concerned and feeling in this chapter of my life, is that I need zero amount of no family, blood related peoples in my life. From here on out it isn’t going to be about what I can do to make anybody happy any more. I’m going to be doing me, and they are going to have to sell themselves, no longer will I give myself to any woman that don’t want nothing more than for me to hit it. Fine you don’t want love; then call it by what it is, “SEX”, a one night stand, abuse of that word these days just sickens me. I know that it is human nature to want to be loved, to want to feel cherished and needed, but why bullshit about it. People don’t know what love is, they talk like they do, but they really don’t, cause all they do is just say it to help get them what they want. Handing out false hope like it’s candy. Is any of the sexes even faithful these days? I see it all the time, everywhere I go, married women hitting on me, hiding their rigs and shit. When I say hitting on me, I mean like “Here’s my number…give me a call so we can kick it…” You married ass lil girl, why in the hell are you biting your lips at me, and handing me your number? Do you not have someone that loves you at home? If he’s not right then move on, or teach him to be better to you, community dildo is not the stage in life that I’m at, a smash here and there no problem, forget the rest. Then we got the guys that go around giving good guys like me a bad name, hollering at everything that looks good in some jeans, while nine times out of ten they have the perfect dream wife at home. So sad how we have gone these days, couples would rather move on then fix the problem, marriages dissolving quicker then they started, and spouses cheating. I don’t think that I will ever remarry again, I mean I try not to say ever, or never, cause that’s when they happen more often is when those words are used. I mean someday maybe I would like too, but I’m sure it isn’t before I hit thirty, and it isn’t going to be some quick courtship either, be some long term engagement. Hell the female population is trying to make it more of a contract any ways so, what would be the hurry? How do you trust when you have been hurt so much? Not sure I even like the idea of dating again, it’s like this circle of headaches just to try and prove that you’re a good person.