The Storm

As the storm rages on outside my window, where the usual pitter-patter of the rain would put me to sleep like a lullaby, tonight it feels like an omen. This is the first storm I am to witness here in Houston. As the rain falls down like sheets, the sky isn't visible, and the lightning is bright. The storm I feel is a sign of the storm to come in my own personal life, full of decisions that I must make, do I stay, do I go? The storm that rages in my heart for the things I want, the things I need. Tonight feels different, this storm has changed its meaning, changed the way I see it, the way I feel it.
Most nights when I lay awake, staring at the shadows on the walls; hoping for it to rain, to wash the dirt away, wash the pain away, and allow the sun to shine just that much brighter the next day. Tonight I can't sleep even more so then last. Last night was a play on my thoughts and the fact that we had no AC, 90 degrees in the house is no way for me to sleep. Tonight it is just my feelings. The rain no longer away of seeking peace tonight it is just a bother, bringing me lower then I already felt.
I tried to lift my spirits up today, I did what some people do when they are feeling down and out, I went out and bought myself some nice things, clothes and jewelery. I realized that it was wrong, but it made me feel just so good, if even for a moment. Knowing that I should be saving it as much as possible being that I'm currently unemployed and losing my mind over that fact already. All the work that I want is far from where I live, bring me to another problem.
The thunder that wakes the house, stirs my spirit, making me feel alive, and the lightning making the things in my room dance and glow, and the storm rages on within and without. For tonight outside seems to be the same as it is within, deep in my soul and heart that's filled with turmoil and pain. Like the seas during a storm, I feel as if I were going to drown tonight, in my bed, wrapped tight in the covers with my son snuggled up next to me for his own comfort and fear of the thunder and lightning.  The sea of feelings, and false hope, like a ship being tossed around with the crew realizing just how small and insignificant they are to mother natures fury.

I must remind myself, that although the storm outside my window, feels the same as the one within me; they are not, and that when the storm is over outside it will lead to a brighter day, it will lead me to a new way, and that my paths will have been washed for me to travel on, making it that much easier for me to find the ways that the lord may be possibly trying to tell me to go. After every dark night there is a brighter day, eventual it all stops hurting, eventually with time it all heals, and then we move on, we adapt and move forward. For if we sit too long dwelling on things, then we may miss all that is before us, all that is standing there waiting for us to accept and take it with open arms. Sometimes the pain of the past overshadows our future and doesn't allow us to see it, even when the lights are shining on it.
So I will be here, waiting for the moment, waiting for a yes or a no, waiting for those arms to embrace me, to love me, to show me the ways and the things that I have been missing, for I wasn't seeing all that I was supposed to see. I have to accept love as it comes, find no faults in it, and allow it to grow.