Moving On

Old House Once My Home

This was our home, it once had a wife, child, husband, and a cat that lived here. As time went on it slowly died. This is where I spent almost four years, felt like a prisoner for quiet some time in the master bed room. I'm sure my comparison of it being a prison has no merit on it being her prison. Cause after I left it she remained there for another year. Most of it in different states of depression, most of it laying in the bed, most of it staring at the walls and the pictures of good times past. Most of it trying to stay high just to past time.
This place is where it all fell apart. There was no more happiness inside this place, it was lost on all who entered and stayed for any period of time. The hardest moments I remember was receiving a phone call, one that I mark as the tip of the knife, it was November 20th 2009, my phone rings and I answer it to a doctor, she tells me that I'm a perfect match to donate a kidney to my wife, but...why is there always a but!?!?; anyways, she goes on to say that I can't because for some reason my kidneys are only operating at 90 percent together, and if they were to take one then I wouldn't have enough in reserve for myself. I told her thank you for the call, said goodbye.
I hung the phone up and just sat at the foot of my bed for what seemed like eternity. Then it all seemed to hit me, I realized that I had failed her again, that because I didn't do something I should have, that I took too much proteins, and vitamins, that some how some way it was my fault that she would die, it was my fault she was sick, because had I pushed her harder, had I stayed on top of her that she would be able to grow old with me, she would be healthy, that I wouldn't have to say goodbye before our son graduated from high school, that I wouldn't be alone with the only person that has ever put up with my shit is gone, the only person that knows the words to say, the ways too touch me and make me melt at her finger tips.
As time went on I slowly shut down, turned off all emotions, and distanced myself. Distanced myself from her, every time I looked at her I grew hatred, I grew disgust, I looked at her as the one who took everything important to me away, she ruined all I had worked for, all I wanted. I could no longer stand to be around her by the middle of 2010. Brings me up to the second hardest thing I had to do or endure in this house.
It was at the beginning of November 2010. I finally got the strength, thanks to S; previously mentioned, to say what I had been wanting to say, we both knew it was coming, we hadn't spoken in a month, hadn't shared the same bed in a few months. I told her that I wanted a separation. It took a few days to sink in, she came to me one night while I was working on my computer, web designing, she stood in front of me and said "Tell me it's over, tell me that there is no more me and you" So I said "It's over" "No, look at me, Joe and say it!!" So I turned my chair towards her and said "Its over, Cherese" she made no movement so I began to elaborate "It's over, the waters run dry, the love well is out, it's the end of the road." I saw on her face that it stung, it looked like she had just been hit with a mac truck; and I immediately  felt like shit for being so cruel about it on the outside, while inside I was screaming and crying.
About 30 seconds after I said that, hell it could have been longer; felt like an hour, with her just standing there, she let off one hell of a battle cry, and hit me with a two piece. Now those that don't know what that is, basically she balled up both her fists and struck me twice before I could even react. Both blows landed, one on my left ear, and as I turned the other blow struck me on my right cheek close to my lips. The expression on her face was mixed, one I won't soon forget, she looked both scared as hell, and so very sorry for having done that, like if she could undo anything, it would be that very moment before she actually did it. For me, talk about being in total shock at first, then that was followed by pure rage. As she ran out of the house I commenced to destroy my desk, and flipped my entire bed set with one hand while still sitting at my desk. Trust it is not easy to move that bed around, it is a double pillow top mattress with a full bed frame, and box spring, took me over 45 minutes to put the damn thing back straight where it goes. When everything passed, and all was calm, and even to this day, I still chuckle about that moment, cause her hitting me had only reminded me why I had fallen for her in the first place. She was a G in her prime, my Ghetto Queen. Even though she had broken my number one rule, never lay hands on one another out of anger, I wasn't too mad at her, just like me, some of her dreams were coming to an end.
I had to ask her recently, if I had done right by her all these years, if she can say that she was honestly happy with me, and proud of me for all that I had done for us. The answer I got made me cry, shocked me to the bone, cause without hesitation, without a seconds thought, I got a "Yes, you have always been good to me, always made me proud, we all have our moments, but more times then not you made me happy and kept me happy even when we didn't have anything to call our own, and I will always love you for the man you are." I will always love her, for she blessed me with my beautiful son, and she has saved me in more ways then one could believe, changed my life, took me from the road I was on; which wasn't one to be proud of, for I would either be in a pine box, or a cage by now. Through our common interest, that being our son, then I believe that our friendship will remain strong.
Now that I have gotten all that out, it is time for me too close this chapter, close this section of my life, and move on, move forward for the things that I want, for the things that I want for my son, and hopefully on to a better part of my life. God Bless and remember that no matter what, just keep your head up, life goes on, after the pain, after the rain, things do eventually get better, remain strong.