What Dreams May Come

An awesome movie, this movie can make or break you depending on how you look at it. Yea I know its an old one, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic. I believe that there is someone out there for everyone, that there is a soul mate for each and every soul out there, cause every soul has a twin that completes it. This movie has crossed my mind on and off through out the day, so I'm sitting here, got to be back at work in like five hours; watching it for like the millionth time. If you haven't seen it, then in short its about a man that dies in a car accident, he goes to heaven, which is more beautiful then he could have ever dreamed of. Shortly after his death, his wife commits suicide, and ends up in hell, so he decides that he will risk heaven and peace, and the possibility to be trapped in hell for that one moment to save his wife, for that chance to see her and bring her back. Shows that his love and their bond is all that guides him, all that fuels him in his endeavor to save her.

I know I have found mine, its just one of those wrong place, wrong time deals. Both of our lives are quiet busy, we hardly even have time to get on a phone sometimes, between work, her school, and all our other obligations.  Its all in the works, for my dream is going to come true when I move closer to her, when life slows down for us and we have time to work on us, then all will come into place.

Yet sometimes I wonder if I will ever make it to that point. If I will be allowed to make it there. Having put on this uniform has changed me alot. It has made me sterner on things, tougher on things, more closed on emotions, more ready to direct, take charge, more ready to open my mouth regardless of the consequences, more ready to turn my back on everything for something more. Things haven't always panned out for me the way I want them to, seems like the harder I try to hold things together, the more wild and out of control it gets. Yea that's life, but the problem is that I put myself all into whatever it is that I'm working on, and when it fails, when it crashes, when it just doesn't work, I don't have a back-up plan, I have an idea for one, but it is always like starting over. When I can't fix it, I punish myself, everything can be solved, and fixed, I just have to figure it out, I just have to make things right, I just have to be on good terms, or it just drives me insane. I don't know why it is that I have become that way, I just wish I knew a better way to control it.

Sometimes I think insanity is an option, SLEEP for me is rare, a few hours keeps me going for 24-32-40 hours, my mind always plotting, always thinking of the things that need be done, the things I want for my son, the anticipation of whats to come for me and him with-in the next few months. So many changes are going to happen so quick. My biggest of all worries, is how is my little boy going to cope with the change, with the possible loss of everything we own. Would I be failing him, if me chasing my dreams, me going after what I feel in my heart to be right, means loosing everything for the chance of gaining so much more in life for us.

These are the things that keep me up late nights, the things that I can't help but to hurt over, things I can't help but to chew on and pray on. For my son is so precious, so innocent, that I couldn't bare the look of pain or disappointment on his face. His look of fear for the unknown even bothers me, makes me want to grab him and just hold him close. I feel as if he hides things, hides his thoughts and emotions from me...but enough about all that. ONE