Questions

Sometimes I sit and ask myself some questions, see where I'm heading and if I'm proud of those little accomplishments that I have made. I also ask such questions that only time could answer, for these are question that I ask the lord. Questions such as, Why do I feel punished, Are those that have given me insights to my future correct with things such as my loneliness, such as my struggle, such as this divorce. See when I look back on the life I've lived, there has been a lot of pain, a lot of struggle just to survive. I have set back and literally asked the lord what it is that I have done to be so punished, what did I miss that I was supposed to do. Cause I just couldn't figure it out, yea I've done things, things I felt I had to do in order to survive or provide for my son and his mother at the time, somethings I'm far from proud of. I will say this though, my son was never without, I did anything and everything for him that I possibly could, he doesn't know what it is to struggle, or to not have.

When I think back ten years ago, I remember my boy Lee, me and him were inseparable, people thought we were brothers born of the same blood. We weren't but brothers in our souls. There was a time when we slept in my car, only ate on nights that he worked. That joke that Katt Williams says "Gas is so mother'fuckin high. Hot Damn gas. Shit!! You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, "Did i eat today?" "I can get no half a tank, ive got 3 cigarettes." Was truly apart of my life ten years ago. Yea I can say I have come along way. Me and him have done some wild ass shit just to survive. But at the same time it was just five years ago when I was laid off that I found myself sleeping under bridges and shit, eating what I can, telling family that the water is broke would they mind letting me take a shower every other day or so.

So yea I've been up and down, got scars to prove it. Sometimes I wonder if I can just stay up, why do I always have to get stable for a few years then loose it all to start over again. Have this saying that I remind myself of every once in a awhile; it goes like this:

"IT
If you want a thing bad enough to go out and fight for it,
work day and night for it,
give up your sleep for it,
If only desire of it, makes you quite mad enough to never tire of· it,
makes you hold all other things tawdry and cheap for it,
If life seems all empty and useless without it and all you scheme and dream of is it,
If gladly you'll sweat for it,
Fret for it,
Plan for it,
Loose all your terror of God and Man for it,
If you'll simply go after that thing that you want,
with all your capacity, strength, and sagacity,
Faith, Hope, and Confidence, Stern Pertinacity,
If neither cold, poverty, famished and gaunt,
no sickness nor pain of body or brain can turn you away from the thing you want,
If dogged and grim you besiege and beset it,
YOU'LL GET IT! "

So I know that eventually, some day, I will be where I want to be...good career, big house, a wife, and some kids, don't forget the dog or two...some day with Gods graces I will have those things, for they are my "IT"